Whoever is bi always seems to have to prove that. For BNNVara presenter Bastiaan Rosman (28) it was ready. In a short documentary, he undermines one prejudice after another about his sexuality. He hopes that high school students too To be or not to bi be shown.
What do you think is the most annoying misunderstanding?
‘That bisexuality would be fifty-fifty, that you like women exactly as much as you like men. People often think that it has to go back and forth: once with a man and then with a woman. That’s not how it works. When I’m single, I like to have sex with women. But a relationship with a boy suits me a bit better.
‘I think it’s a shitty comment: if you’re with a boy, don’t you miss a woman? No, am I choosing someone? Otherwise I wouldn’t get into such a relationship. Although I have to say: the last time a relationship with a boy ended, I said to my friends: now I want to have sex with a woman again.’
Bisexuality is not often the focus of the media.
‘So weird, when I started this I thought: this must have been done a long time ago. But bisexuality is usually only described as part of a program about the queer community. I wish I had this program when I was younger. There were few people I could see as an example. I hope that people can identify with it who feel the same as me, and who don’t know how to deal with it, just like I did when I found out.’
How did it go?
“I fell in love with a boy for the first time four years ago. I could always tell if guys were handsome, but I’d never been attracted to them. At first I thought: am I gay then? Have I been cheating myself for years? I also thought they were right at school. I was bullied there. I had, unknowingly, ADHD and I was busy and outgoing. Boys responded to that behavior with: Bastiaan is weird, Bastiaan is gay. The girls thought it was pathetic and said: come join us. And then those guys thought again: you see, he’s gay.
“I was completely blown away by that love. My best friend, who is bi herself, said: I think you are bi, but just go and figure it out. I started dating guys and my feelings for women didn’t go away. After a year I knew what was going on. I recently started dating a boy. I was scared to tell him. But he says: this is your feeling and I respect that. When I’m with a guy, others are quick to assume I’m gay, but he corrects them when that happens. That’s how I see that he really accepts me.’
Your mother also thought you might be gay after all, the documentary shows.
“This was my first conversation about bisexuality with her. Because my parents were okay with it when I came out, I didn’t talk much about it with them. And I don’t tell at the kitchen table which woman I’ve had sex with. I did tell about the guys I’ve had relationships with. So that influenced her image.’
Why is it scary to tell a new partner you’re bi?
‘I’ve seen girls drop out. They thought it was too weird. By the way, sometimes girls found it so interesting that I thought: is it about me, or is this for a good story with your friends? Boys often say: are you sure, isn’t it a phase? They have in their heads that bisexuality doesn’t exist.’
Because some men who won’t admit they’re gay call themselves bi?
‘Yes, but I am now four years further. If I had been gay I would have said so. Both straights and gays sometimes seem to want you to take sides.’
One of the interviewees in the documentary says: as a bisexual you are erased.
‘Yes, that’s a couple with a woman and a man, whose man is bi. They are automatically seen as heterosexual. So I said: you don’t have to admit it. They find that annoying, because bisexuality is part of who you are. Of course you want to achieve that.
‘When people called me gay, I let it go for a long time. Not anymore. When a friend recently created a group app called ‘gays and lesbians’, I said: I don’t want to whine, but I still find this annoying, I’m not gay. I’ve felt too bad because I couldn’t be myself, that’s done once.
‘Recently I received a message from a bisexual boy, who says at home that he is gay, because then his parents will understand better. I find that hard to hear. I want to show that we are there. That this can happen to anyone. That you can fall in love with someone of your own gender for the first time at 50. Because that’s something many people don’t realize: that sexuality can still develop in the course of your life.’
3Lab: To bi or not to bi can be seen on the YouTube channel of NPO 3 and will be broadcast on NPO 3 on Monday 11 October at 23.05.
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misunderstood group
Released according to this year research by the University of Groningen bisexuals are an underexposed and misunderstood group. Example: almost half of the bi+ participants experience that people think their sexual orientation is temporary. A third regularly experiences that people think they are being unfaithful, while 64 percent are monogamous.
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