Oh, I know, I’m not supposed to judge what other people do with their lives, their time, their bodies. It’s none of my business. And yet, no matter how hard I try to shake it off, the umpteenth report in a row that people are having less and less sex (one in four French people has not had sex in the past year) worries me. And even more than the percentage of people who indicate that sex is not important (one third!), what worries me is what people do when they don’t have sex. Of the cohabiting men and women under 35, about half indicated that they had avoided sex to watch a series, scroll, play games or read something. A third had already avoided sex to masturbate.
“People are made to choose the easiest path, that’s how we are wired,” says Vanessa Muyldermans, relationship therapist and sexologist. “And what happens on our screens responds very cleverly to that. Instant gratification is the weak point of human psychology.” You want to relax, you grab your smartphone, you open Netflix. You’re horny, you pick up your smartphone, you watch porn, and hey, that’s it – unload and relax. It’s easier and more efficient than having sex with your partner – let alone having sex with someone you still have to find. And there is already so much that needs to be done. “Sex has become an item on the to-do list,” Muyldermans also notices in the conversations in her practice.
Everything resolved, everyone happy? I strongly doubt it. Netflix as relaxation, okay, an intellectual stimulation, sure, but have you ever felt rejuvenated and completely recharged after an evening or night of watching series? And after an evening or a night of sex? Do you really feel closer to your partner after an evening watching TV together? Let alone after an evening of watching TV while you both have your smartphone next to you?
The safety of a screen versus the messiness of sex
“I am very concerned about the impact of screens on our relationships,” says Muyldermans. “I understand very well that people are tired and that that has an impact on sexual motivation, but those screens make that even worse. The blue light emitted from those screens has a negative impact on your sleep. If you sleep poorly, you don’t feel comfortable, you are more irritated, and you are less emotionally stable. None of that helps cultivate intimacy with your partner.”
What applies to couples applies, by extension, to society as a whole, I think more and more. A kind of fear to look each other in the eye, to speak to each other – even regardless of any erotic intention. While you’re looking at your phone on the subway, you don’t have time to see who’s sitting around, whose gaze would like to catch yours – or just turn away from yours. Could it be that many people are not only tired, but also afraid? Afraid of the unpredictability? “It feels safer behind the screen for many people, especially for those who are insecure in any area,” says Muyldermans. “If you’re insecure about your body, or you’ve had a bad experience with a previous sexual partner, watching porn and masturbating, or chatting with someone far away is a safer option than having sex with someone else.”
A desire for certainty, predictability, untouchability: the smartphone is the simplest and most socially accepted route out of the mess of human contact. On your phone you don’t have to make any effort – you don’t have to show interest, you don’t have to present yourself beautifully, you don’t have to take into account how the other person reacts to your conversation opener or advances, you don’t have to estimate how your touches come across and what they evoke. .
And if social contact is exciting, sex is so much more exciting. Sex is the scariest thing there is, with all the risks of rejection and misunderstanding, of confusion, of the fear of inadequacy, of crossing boundaries (not necessarily in the criminal sense of the word) and loss of self. Sex requires attention, empathy, courage, openness, exploring, feeling, searching. And sometimes also standing up for yourself – which if all goes well, shouldn’t be a problem. Action and reaction, trial and error, an exercise in life skills. Yes, life is calmer and more manageable without sex, but I don’t know of many other experiences where so many dimensions of human existence come together. A good conversation comes close, but that physical, that emotional, that ecstatic is of a more drastic order – the confidence that you can show yourself as you are, that you can touch each other and surrender to each other, that you sees each other in a way that the rest of the world does not.
(Fake) connection
“Sex is essentially not about lust, but about connection, and it is that that we have a great shortage of these days,” says Muyldermans. ‘What happens on screens is a fake connection. Sex is work, fun work, it is effort that pays off, because you gain intimacy and connection, beyond instant gratification.”
I would also dare to add that you also risk losing connection with yourself if you become fused with your smartphone and no longer have the space to feel your desire. Sex wakes up something that Netflix doesn’t wake up. The body, the zest for life – that feeling that everything in life is or can be an adventure, the desire to bite into life like a loved one.
However, Muyldermans does not want to say that the sex recession threatens the general feeling of happiness in the world. “Sex doesn’t mean the same to everyone. If connecting with people you like is an important way for you, you may become unhappy if you don’t have sex. But there are also people who don’t have sex, who feel fine about it. That is also something that happens in phases. You don’t need the same thing at all times in your life. Connection is a basic need, but sex is not the only way to connect with others.”
