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Toxic positivity: when well-intentioned sayings hurt
There’s a reason that we can barely scroll through our social media channels without stumbling upon some sugary, motivational, inspirational quote sooner or later: positivity is something powerful. Even in the worst of crises, it often helps to hold onto the thinnest straw of hope – even in a global pandemic. After all, it is a comforting thought that a few rainy days are ultimately always followed by sunshine. Maybe, you think then, everything is not as bad as my brain wants me to believe today. Maybe life isn’t as terrible as it feels right now. This attitude isn’t the best way to help yourself or others – and it can even cause harm. This focus on supposedly positive feelings and the simultaneous rejection of everything that could possibly cause negative feelings is called “toxic positivity”. This is a form of unintentional gaslighting and makes someone feel inhibited from honestly expressing their own feelings, whether knowingly or not. Natalie knows that too. The 34-year-old was so frustrated by the reactions of her friends when she told them about her lengthy job search that at some point she no longer mentioned her applications in the circle of friends. “Whenever I had no success, they would tell me things like: ‘There’s a much better job to come, wait and see’, or: ‘Compared to other problems in the world, that’s not a big drama.’ Sometimes I hated my existing job so much that I didn’t want to get up in the morning. And then I got sayings like ‘Oh, it’s always worse’ or ‘If you just stay positive, you’ll get the new job!’ to listen. But that’s not how it works, and it felt kind of dishonest of them. After that I felt even worse and at some point I was so terrified of her answers that I just kept everything to myself. I would have wished so much that someone would just say to me: ‘You know what, you’re right, that’s really shitty.’ “The same thing happened to 38-year-old Clara, whose son was diagnosed with cancer when he was only nine months old . “He’s fine today, but we went through six months of chemotherapy and surgery. That was traumatic, ”she says. “I wrote a blog meanwhile and talked about it a lot. A lot of people then said to me: ‘Everything will be fine’, ‘Keep your smile’ or ‘You are an inspiration’ – I couldn’t really do anything with any of them. The words felt empty, weren’t helpful, and instead, at one point, I felt bad for feeling bad. Such reactions make you feel that you have to justify yourself for being sad – and then you quasi argue with others about why and whether you should be sad. “This toxic positivity is not only found in the private sphere, by the way. but also in the academic world; Fatima, 33, can tell you a thing or two about it. According to her, this is almost taking the form of a “strange cult” which, in her opinion, can have a negative effect on the already great psychological stress of academic work. “A lot of people just ignore all the negative and emotionally stressful sides of an academic career and instead concentrate on the fact that the whole thing leads to something good,” she says. “Then something like: ‘As soon as you have finished your doctoral thesis, you are ready for your future’ or: ‘There is a lot of competition for funding, just keep applying and at some point you will definitely get a scholarship.’ This gives me the feeling that I have chosen the wrong career path – I don’t seem to be as relaxed as others. The pressure is really great and you often feel very alone. ”You cannot make unhappy people happy by telling them:“ Just focus on the good! ”Or:“ Cheer up! ” The truth is very simple: You cannot make unhappy people happy by telling them: “Just focus on the good!” Or: “Cheer up!” You don’t take away their fear or worries by letting them with you via WhatsApp bombard cute animal videos – even if it might make them smile for a short time. When someone tells you about his or her feelings, that person probably wants nothing more than that you acknowledge those feelings, take these worries seriously, and just listen. Psychotherapist Noel McDermott also emphasizes this. “We are emotionally very simple: we either have feelings – or we don’t. We can’t choose these feelings, ”he says. “When we try to get rid of one type of feeling, we all get rid of them and become dull, including positive emotions. That harms our inner being. ”He explains further:“ A good example of people who try to only feel beautiful are drug addicts. The effect of drug abuse is a temporary feeling of happiness that quickly turns into emotional misery. “We also need our feelings – good and bad, says McDermott. After all, they tell us a lot about whether a situation is safe for us or whether we should withdraw from it. So instead of ignoring the negative, we should use our experiences to make ourselves more resilient so that we can deal better with similar situations in the future. “If you avoid feelings that are uncomfortable for you – and advise others to do so – you limit the range of relationships and life experiences that are still open to you. “We are social beings and we function best when we surround ourselves with a group of people with whom we have deep connections. The more we restrict these connections, the worse we feel. ”With this encouragement, we take refuge in our own positivity instead of empathizing. Dr. Daria Kuss On top of that, it is proven to be good for us (and our relationships) to have our own negative feelings reflected by others – as strange as that sounds. The psychology professor Dr. Daria Kuss explains why this is so. “To reciprocate grief and unhappiness, to mirror, helps our counterpart to feel understood and supported,” she says. “If you want to help someone, the most important thing is not to solve the problem, but to listen carefully and reflect feelings. If your counterpart is doing badly, that means for you: Don’t dismiss these feelings, but give the person your undivided attention and give them the impression that they are being taken seriously. ”But why are we throwing around with these empty, positive sayings at all instead of engaging in meaningful dialogue? According to Dr. Kiss presumably plays a role in our own fear of negativity. “We learned these sayings because they offer an easy way out and save us from having to mirror the other person’s unhappiness. We take refuge in our own positivity through this good encouragement instead of empathizing. ”And if you are honest, it is also somehow scary to take on responsibility for someone who is doing badly. “A lot of people feel overwhelmed by this,” says McDermott. “You could even be of great help with that. Be empathetic – listen without judging or wanting to take the problem into your own hands. Instead, you should talk about your own, similar experiences and feelings. ”In his job, he himself notices how much this helps:“ Most of my patients just need an open ear and someone who doesn’t give them that Gives the feeling that their grief is unjustified. ”Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here? My plea for therapies in 2020 I made more real friends. 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