And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you did it, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, if the storm is really over. But one thing is for sure. When you come out of the storm, you will not be the same person who entered. That’s what the storm is all about.
– Haruki Murakami, “Kafka on the Coast”
I have this quote printed and posted on my wall. I read it every day and realized that my family has lived through that storm.
April 14 was the first anniversary of the death of my mother-in-law Dolores “Dee” Newman. We remember the passing of my father-in-law Mickey at the end of March. As many of you know, we lost both of them to COVID in long-term care facilities.
Janice Dean, husband Sean Newman and mother-in-law Dee Newman (Courtesy Janice Dean)
This week has felt like the hardest I’ve had in a year. It’s like my body and mind have been in a constant state of survival mode. Finally, on the anniversary of my mother-in-law’s death, I broke down.
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I cried all day. I couldn’t stop myself. I was distracted a bit with work and housework and then the dams that held the water would break.
I couldn’t stop thinking about my husband’s mom Sean. Although Easter is such a beautiful holiday with tremendous meaning, this year was a reminder that the last thing Dee wanted us to do before she died was write her name on some gifts for our children.
Janice Dean with her sister-in-law Donna, her husband Sean, her niece Danielle, and Danielle’s boyfriend Chris at the “We Care” Memorial Wall in Brooklyn, NY on March 21, 2021.
My husband still picks up her phone to talk to her and listen to her voice. They shared such a special bond between mother and child, and I feel it with my own children. There is nothing like that, and perhaps that is why the pain came in such a tremendous wave.
For the first time in a year, after fighting for responsibility for the deaths of Dee and my father-in-law, I felt like giving up. I wanted to let go and stop screaming.
I felt so tired and overwhelmingly sad. The storm was hitting me and finally winning.
The governor who hurt us, lied and never apologized is still in office. He is not going to be punished even though there are multiple investigations, ethical violations, and enough evidence to kick him out of office forever.
I wrote thousands of words, attended countless demonstrations, spoke with grieving families, and tried my hardest to draw attention to the atrocities that occurred in nursing homes after COVID reached them.
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I blame our governor for being reckless and irresponsible for the deaths of thousands of seniors in New York.
He celebrated himself, with the help of the complacent media, by selling a $ 4 million memoir to the highest bidder full of lies and inaccuracies.
High-profile news anchors and anchors fawned over him, never asked about his tragic decisions, and whispered about him as future president, while we couldn’t see our loved ones before they died and have wakes or funerals afterward to help us get through . our pain.
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We watched in horror as our governor promoted himself and his disgusting book while profiting from the deaths of tens of thousands, including our loved ones, while thanking the academy for its Emmy award.
And after all this, heading into another spring, Governor Andrew Cuomo is still in charge.
The headlines that speak of his embezzlement are less and less and the focus of attention on his misdeeds is dimming.
Our elected leaders are too cowardly to accuse him.
He is still standing there during closed press events, pretending that all is well without journalists there to ask the questions we desperately want answered.
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Organize these daily events by affirming that you are getting things done. COVID is not over. And we must remain New York Tough.
And for the thousands of families who have yet to hear him speak and see his face without remorse on a daily basis, it is for us one of the hardest things we have to endure. It is a constant reminder that our abuser still goes unpunished. Our open wounds will never heal as long as the man who caused us so much harm remains in power.
When it ends? I’m not sure.
But after having my day of sadness this week, crying thousands of tears of loss and frustration, I prayed to God for the strength to move on.
Because our storm is not over. And I am not the same person who entered last year. But I’ll keep weathering it for as long as it takes. I will adjust my sails and carry on.
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And in the end, maybe the reason the storm has lasted so long
It’s because the storm the whole time has been inside
From my.
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