They are around 45 years old. Or they are already over 50. They are a stable heterosexual couple with many years of relationship behind them. They both work outside and inside the home, have children, a mortgage and a mental load. Sex stopped being a priority a long time ago. In fact, it is barely part of their lives, as happens to so many other couples, experts and research agree. Are we facing a problem, a pathology, a broken couple? The answer is no. With nuances.
75% of Spaniards have a partner (whether they live together or not). Most have been together between 10 and 20 years and are “very emotionally attached.” This is revealed by the latest survey from the Center for Sociological Research (CIS), from March 2023, which, however, does not ask about the frequency of sexual relations. There is only one section in which5% of those surveyed claim to have “an emotional relationship without sex.”
There are no official and reliable statistics on the number of times Spaniards make love. And even if there were, experts in psychology and sexuality assure that they would not be useful. «If we talk about sex, the normal concept is not healthy. What is normal? Sexuality oscillates throughout life, the week and almost the day. Having less desire doesn’t have to be a problem nor does it mean that anything bad will happen to you. “You can make love twice a day and be a disastrous couple or do it twice a year and be a happy couple,” responds Mamen Jiménez, psychologist, sexologist and author of ‘Contigo. How to have a healthy relationship without myths and with pampering.’
The current pace of life
In the absence of official data, there is a clear reality that is detected in psychotherapy consultations. «Today’s pace of life, which includes grueling work schedules, financial worries and child care, does not allow for personal space. That is to say, there is hardly any room for sexuality», says the divulger.
“Stress, fatigue, daily logistics and mental load eat up the space of desire, which, furthermore, is not something that comes to us suddenly but the result of something we do actively,” adds Laura Morán, psychologist , sexologist and author of ‘Perfectly imperfect. The secret to making your relationship work.’
Lack of sexual activity does not have to be a problem, unless there is asymmetry. That is, one member of the couple wants to have more physical contact, and the other does not. John Gottman, psychologist, researcher and one of the leading international experts in human relationships, stated that seven out of ten conflicts that arise in a couple are unresolvable. “Successful couples are not successful because they do not have problems, but because of how they approach them and how they communicate to find a way to live with those disagreements,” clarifies Morán.
Psychologists and sexologists remember that love evolves and goes through several phases. The first two, which are characterized by a surge of energy, are attraction and falling in love. «Sexual connection is usually not lacking in falling in love, which lasts between 12 and 18 months. And thank goodness. If this were not the case, the human species would never have evolved because we become quite useless,” explains Morán. As time passes, the communicator continues, emotions change and become a longer lasting or deeper love or they drift towards heartbreak when they realize that after falling in love there is nothing else.
Stimulus without response
In the stage of mature love, “everything that goes up comes down,” Jiménez explains, with humor. «The stimulus is no longer as striking and does not generate such a powerful response. Furthermore, love is something that we cultivate, it is not fed by air, it is nourished by what we do and requires maintenance,” he adds. Experts warn of the importance of banishing unattainable myths. The first, that of romantic love: intense, unconditional, exclusive and long lasting. The mantra that if we love each other, we want to have sex all the time is false. The same thing happens with another slogan: it is normal to do it a certain number of times a week. «The word normal does not apply here. If there is an area in which there is maximum variability, it is this. Comparing yourself to other couples is useless because they are different human beings, with different relationships. Furthermore, in everything that has to do with sex, people lie more than they talk,” he concludes.
What do we understand by sex
Sex is desirable, but it is not a vital necessity. Nor is it essential for a relationship to work. However, Morán adds an important nuance: «First we have to consider what we mean by sex. Traditionally, we reduce sexuality to sex and sex to genitals. But what is relevant is not the sexual relations themselves but what having them implies for the bond. «Can you live without sex? Of course, but why would you want to give up something that is not only free but beneficial and healthy? Maintaining relationships with your partner means sharing complicity, communication and pleasure.
The CIS reveals that more than half of Spaniards agree with the expression “true love can do everything.” Mistake. «Nothing is infallible. Love is necessary but not sufficient, it has to be built. If we believe in his omnipotence, when difficulties appear, which they will appear, we will collapse,” Jiménez concludes.
2023-12-10 17:10:34
#sex #plummet
