Why 36% of Men in Stable Relationships Do Not Have Sex: Insights from a Sexologist

The statistics are frightening. As many as 36 percent of men in stable relationships admit to not having sex. – Some people do not have sex in a relationship because their sexual drive has disappeared – but this is a smaller group. A larger group, however, has sex, but especially on their own, says Andrzej Gryżewski, a sexologist and therapist.

Ewa Podsiadły-Natorska, Wirtualna Polska: In interviews you say that as many as 36 percent men do not have sex in stable relationships. Where does this number come from?

Andrzej Gryżewski, sexologist and psychologist: The statistics were presented at one of the conferences and I sign them. Because if you ask me what people today usually come to me for, this is what they’ve been talking about for many years. Some people don’t have sex at all in a relationship because they have lost their sexual drive – but this is a smaller group, a larger group have sex, but mostly alone, ie masturbating while they fantasize or watch porn, and avoid sex in a stable relationship. Sex for them is special, mechanical, and when I ask what the reasons are, I usually hear that it is the reason given by the famous researchers Julie and John Gottman as “the four horsemen of the apocalypse.”

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“The First Horseman of the Apocalypse” – too much criticism. A woman expresses her needs in the form of complaints. He says: “You never listen to me, you always ignore what I say, you can’t even clean up after yourself. ” He talks about his needs for order, order and stability through the prism of protest. How will he deal with this? The second “horseman of the apocalypse”, i.e. defense, defense attitude: “What are you talking about, yesterday I took my child to school, I made dinner, I went shopping.”

When she hears such a message, she feels even more invalid, because he did not meet her needs and lost the ball, so she moves on to “the third horseman of the apocalypse” , ie contempt: “You are just like your mother, completely out of touch, from everything you get away with.” Then the “fourth horseman of the apocalypse” appears – a wall of indifference: “I’m an enthusiastic person, but if you can’t see it, please delete it.” And he goes into masturbation.

People are not aware of it, although it is a very simple device, but also very brutal. He starts masturbating; he sees that no one criticizes or criticizes him while he masturbates, the women in porn smile, they approach men with desire, so he likes more and more e. He feels safe, he feels like the director of this show because he chooses the movies that suit him and that he wants: sometimes blonde, sometimes brunette, sometimes redhead. The goal is that, with each orgasm, a person is slowly attached to what he or she is looking at, so if he is looking at a red-headed woman and his blonde partner, after a while he will not be attracted to her more.

But if he comes to your office and points out something like that, he probably understands that he has a problem.

He explains that his wife is spitting on him and that it is her excessive criticism that has caused this. He hears from her: “I want sex, you don’t want me, you’re pulling the wool over my eyes, you’re making me feel old.” She is the first “horseman of the apocalypse” or she will be a scorner: “You are gay, impotent, maybe ask your friends how to get sex. Let’s open a relationship, maybe someone will satisfy me more than you.” It’s a beautiful perpetuum motion – the next time she wants sex, he feels offended, invalidated, and comes to me saying he can’t stand this criticism and contempt anymore , or she has filed divorce papers or moved out.

Are these sentences often used in your office? About being gay, disabled, etc.

I hear this from at least three patients a day. This is a scandal because there is no normal communication between people. I would recommend women in such a situation who feel that their partner invalidates their needs because he does not start a relationship to talk to the so-called. soft belly look: “You know, Krzysiek, I need intimacy with you, because then I feel important, attractive, I feel that you love me, desire me. I miss you .” What does the man hear then?

That it is important to her.

And that he is a nice, attractive man and she misses him. So why would he avoid her? But if he hears that he is gay, his friends are much better at sex, and she sees him as a eunuch without a man, what is his motivation?

Or even a hundred minus. This is exactly what I hear from my patients: “My motivation for sex is less than a hundred.”

And the other side of the coin? Let’s assume she’s trying and her partner sees it, but he comes to you and says: “I don’t know what’s going on, but I don’t want sex, maybe it’s not for me . ” Is this happening too?

It happens, but usually the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” do the work. Sometimes it can be due to injury. I had a patient whose wife told his friends at a barbecue in May that he sang Whitney Houston in a female voice in the shower. Everyone started laughing, he fell to the bottom in the “pecking maturity”, he felt that he was rude and rude. He resented his wife for this, but he didn’t say anything, he restrained himself. In sexology and psychotherapy we have a rule that “you can’t get rid of what you keep quiet about.” “

Does this mean that situations like this need to be discussed immediately?

Immediately or later, but talk. “You know what, I’m so closed off because three years ago at a barbecue you said I was a woman and I was trying to be an alpha male in front of my friends and you humiliated me, I Sorry.” If she had answered: “Krzychu, I’m sorry, I won’t do that again”, she would have respected him, his dignity would have been restored and it would have been over. He would come out to her with lust. But when he says, “I’m sorry you did that,” and she says, “Who are you talking about? Are you a boy or a boy? Get yourself together,” she relieved his pain. So what comes to mind? “If I can’t feel safe with her, then fuck it.” And he puts off his desire for her. That’s why I appeal to our readers – don’t sweep anything under the rug, don’t talk about grievances, because your relationship will fall apart.

How long has your patient been asexual?

For 31 years of marriage. He watched porn and masturbated for 26 years.

Was he addicted to porn?

He was, but the point was that his wife was impulsive, frivolous and he felt terrible about it, but he didn’t tell her: “Listen, Bożena, talk to me like a man, don’t call me, because then I’ll shut up”, but he played the role of the “fourth horseman of the apocalypse”, ie: “Okay, you invalidate me, here you are, I don’t care about you at all.” The wall of indifference. It was suitable for her, because the finances were right, he was raising children, so she thought she could live without sex.

He was not thinking about divorce?

No, because he was also happy, his wife cooked and ran the house, so what more did they need to be happy?

Did your treatment help him?

In fact, they have sex again, although after 26 years it is completely different from the beginning. Like a new person.

What advice do you give to couples in such a situation?

First, do not use the “four horsemen of the apocalypse”, but make sure that you are a nice, friendly partner in a relationship. After all, we are not in these relationships as punishment. A relationship should help us develop and make us feel comfortable.

And when will there be a cure? When they can’t get along?

There are. Therapy is recommended when they try to talk to each other and it doesn’t work. I always recommend therapy to these couples, because the costs of divorce – financial and emotional – are terrible. I feel sorry for people who destroy themselves in court, because it causes a great loss – not only for these two, but also for their families and, above all, children . This is real drama.

I’m thinking of something else. The role of women has changed significantly in recent decades. Didn’t liberation make men close themselves in their shells, including sexual ones?

Of course that was what caused it, but in my opinion the fact that women are liberated is good. We are all human and it would be great if we had the same rights. This benefits people regardless of gender. I really want to help, but not everyone can deal with it, many are defensive, and that’s why we’re here to help. If no one can handle it, we invite you. People pay us for effective help. And social changes are normal, they always happen. We have an iron rule in psychotherapy: “The only constant in life is change.”

For Wirtualna Polska Ewa Podsiadly-Natorska