The last drop was made by a video greeting from a trip sent by her parents, which Katrīna * watched on the phone with her children.
The man, seeing it, counted, and sat the two-year-olds by the open window. On the second floor. The oldest child had been physically punished before because of improper brushing. On the same day, Katrina fled home with both children. Although she had been preparing for it for a year and a half, there was not enough money to start a new life.
How widespread is violence in Latvian families? This year, the State Police has had to go to more than 30 conflicts every day, and they are not all because they do not call everyone. Catherine did not call either, only demanded temporary protection when she got to the center of the crisis.
Almost 2,700 people have been banned from approaching their relatives by a court decision, but in 326 cases this has not been complied with and the police have initiated criminal proceedings. Also against Katrīna’s husband Arthur, who breaks into the crisis center and continues to persecute the family. Therefore, the woman asked to remain anonymous, but agreed to share her experience of leaving an abusive relationship.
Church and unconditional obedience
Catherine met Arthur in church. Later in his life, Artūrs liked to recall it, pointing out that the wife found in the church must be humble and obedient. “You have to listen to me,” he said. It applied to all areas of life – you were not allowed to learn, to drive, to use modern devices, to meet friends or your family without permission. Even wearing pants – the store could only choose clothes that her husband found acceptable.
Children, too, had to be brought up in such a way that the temptations of the secular world did not enter their pure souls.
No video viewing on your phone except one religious cartoon. No schools and kindergartens. Let Catherine teach at home. “He wrote to them about a bright future. They will be the smartest and cleanest. As his sequel, ”says Katrīna.
The long-term plan was a subsistence farm in Siberia. Arthur had even begun to correspond with the owner. But plans for complete isolation were thwarted by Katrina’s escape.
Silence as a punishment
At the beginning of a ten-year marriage, it was not so crazy – Artūrs was not so controlling and closed, took care of his wife, helped pay for his studies. There were, as Katrina says, weirdness that she successfully ignored: sick jealousy, resentment for meeting friends. When they visited, Artūrs was sitting in the second room, justifying that he did not speak Latvian and therefore did not feel comfortable.
The relationship became complicated when the two moved abroad, where the initially planned few months turned into three years. Catherine’s home was raising the first child and was expecting the second. “I was completely dependent on him,” she concludes.
Over time, realized that he constantly felt guilty.
About the fact that the husband is dissatisfied. That he doesn’t like her prepared dinner. That tries to pronounce disagreement. That’s not a good enough wife. But it seemed to her that the relationship could be saved, so she sought help from the church. Later also in the therapy of couples, but the husband was not particularly attracted to do the homework.
“It must be remembered that the perpetrator is characterized by power, but the victim is guilty and rescued,” says Santa Ozolina, a psychologist at the crisis and counseling center “Skalbe”. She explains that in a relationship it is normal to re-evaluate one’s actions after a disagreement, try to understand mistakes, try to correct them. However, in a violent relationship, the abuser tries to strengthen his power, making his partner feel even more guilty and responsible, without taking responsibility for anything.
If Katrīna did not act on Arthur’s mind, he punished his wife. Either by shouting or by silence for days. She remembers a case when as a gift on her birthday she was allowed to go to a design exhibition. He was late and returned home later than spoken. “He didn’t look at me at all,” she recalls. The silence lasted for two days. In other cases, the man simply took the children, locked the woman in the apartment and left for several hours.
Psychologist Santa Ozolina explains that silence and ignorance is one of the strongest weapons of psychological violence. It is painful because it is impossible to understand the other’s attitude, and it is a deliberate signal that the victim does not care and is not worth noting. “Silence and disregard are a show of power. This second creates fear and anxiety, hence vulnerability. People become easily influenced, ”describes Ozoliņa.
Preparing for departure
Katrīna realized that she had to divorce when Artūrs pushed her in a dispute over applying for an older child in kindergarten. In the country where they both lived at the time, education was compulsory, so she decided to do so and hoped that her husband would accept in time. “It simply came to our notice then. It was hard, I had the youngest son in my hands, ”she says. He took the eldest child and disappeared for a few hours: “When I returned, I was told that I would take the documents out of school. Otherwise something will happen. “
The woman obeyed, but the municipality continued to wonder why the child did not attend kindergarten and offered various other options. The husband realized that there would be no homeschooling, so he had to go home and then go to Siberia.
Meanwhile, Katrīna was preparing to leave. At night, when her husband was asleep, he started searching the internet for advice on how to do it from his hotline. Went up blog, in which an American describes the experience of leaving an emotionally abusive husband. Introduced to recommendations On the website of the State Police. Read “Re: Baltica “ articles on domestic violence. Began to put money off. The sister sent another phone from Latvia.
Two weeks after returning to Latvia, she and her children were already in the crisis center. After the incident by the windowsill, he waited for the moment when the man fell asleep and fled. Nothing happened according to plan: she just put together the basic necessities and left. The savings were also insignificant, because Arthur had hidden the two together.
Katrīna says only good about the crisis center and contact with the social service: “There are the same women with the same problems, no matter where they come from and who they are. Very supportive. “
There are two family crisis centers in Riga: “Milgravis” and “Burtnieks”. In the second, men are also admitted, but “Mīlgrāvis” focuses more on women-victims of violence. There are 17 places in the center. Stay is free and you can live there for two months. The center provides clothing, meals, doctor’s visits, psychologist consultations.
Already there, Katrīna applied for temporary protection. In a court decision held by Re: Baltica, the judge concludes that the man is “trying to introduce unconditional patriarchal obedience into the family. At times when the alleged plaintiff tried to oppose the alleged defendant’s authority, the potential defendant used the children as hostages in the conflicts between the parties, even endangering their lives. The court, when imposing a restraining order, also took into account the fact that Katrīna had to leave her home, has vegetative dystonia, and everything that happens has consequences for emotional, mental and psychological health.
Catherine’s husband violated the restraining order – he came to the crisis center, crawled out the window, approached the street and the church.
For this, the police initiated two criminal proceedings – one ended with a fine and forced labor, the other continues (just like divorce).
Katrīna was helped to get on her feet by the crisis center and her family. She managed to get a job, find an apartment, put a child in kindergarten. Katrīna points out that it would have been helpful to hire a lawyer during the lawsuit. “The state provides support, but it is until some point. There are still many legal moments where additional funding would be valuable, ”she points out.
Breakout case
However, the victim does not always have a family to rely on. That is why this year’s public media and “Re: Baltica” supported by the charity in the marathon “Give five!” donors will have the opportunity to set up a fund: such as a first aid wallet for people who have gone through a violent relationship. It will be administered by “ziedot.lv”. Beneficiaries will be able to apply not only to the victims themselves, but also to the police, social services and others who have information about the chain of violence in a family that needs to be broken.
“It will be for those who need acute help here and now,” says “ziedot.lv” manager Rūta Dimanta. It takes time and a legally correct application to get help from state or local authorities, but “often there is no time in situations of violence”. From this wallet, the victim of violence will be able to put in, for example, a broken door, buy medicine, repair broken teeth, pay for a kindergarten or groups, find accommodation for the first nights, etc. To do what is not enough money for oneself, but which hinders starting a new life.
It is important that “ziedot.lv” will also offer victims to visit a psychologist, because victims often return to the abuser. They fly, promise to change, victims believe. Psychologist Santa Ozolina lists several reasons for the return: the victims do not cope on their own, there is a lack of support, there is infidelity to themselves, the victim begins to feel sorry for the perpetrator.
There is a rule in the crisis center “Mīlgrāvis” – if you stay in the center, you must visit a psychologist. But even then, there are women who return to the center. He escapes from the abuser, lives apart, then returns to his abuser. After a while he escapes again. The head of the center, Inese Tentere, tends to advise women to write a letter to themselves. Describe current feelings and events so that they can be recalled if thoughts of return appear.
Tentere praises Katrina for being able to maintain her posture and end the relationship. This is a rarity. It is also a rarity that men try to enter the crisis center uninvited, as was the case with her.
Katrīna herself does not deny that it was difficult. “If I can break the physical bond, I was psychologically dependent on him for a very long time, several months or even six months. When I saw him, I wanted to explain something to him internally. ”
*The names of the family members have been changed, but the editorial board is aware.
When to look for help?
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The material was created in the joint series “Re: Baltica” and Latvian public media (LTV, Latvian Radio, LSM.lv) “The vicious circle. Domestic violence”. This year, the Christmas charity marathon dodpieci.lv is dedicated to it
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