When Sex Becomes a Challenge: Juggling Work, Household, and Burnout in a Long-Term Relationship

“I work in the hospitality industry and work very long days. In combination with the children and the household, I often really don’t have the energy for sex anymore. I’m especially happy that I don’t have to do anything for a while when I’m finally free. My boyfriend isn’t happy about that. He does want to make love to me and tries regularly. Usually I reject him. That is not very nice of course and he is sometimes frustrated. I understand that very well, but I don’t feel like doing things that don’t feel right at that moment. I used to do that sometimes, just want to please someone else, but I really don’t need that anymore. If I don’t want to, then I don’t want to. My friend is out of luck then.

When we make love, it feels really good between us. Sometimes it’s just like before. We’ve been together for five years now, and when we first got together, I fancied him a lot more. I didn’t work in the hospitality industry yet and was home much more often. I had more energy because of it. And honestly, I think I just liked him a bit more back then too.

We really went through a difficult time during corona. We all sat at home all the time, which was not necessarily cozy. My friend got a serious burnout. That was really intense. He lay on the couch all day sleeping and snapping. He was super grumpy and angry with all of us. We couldn’t do anything right in his eyes, I was done with that at a certain point.

I really believe in ups and downs, so I didn’t want to leave him, but it was hard for me. Fortunately, he is doing better now, but I notice that I still suffer from that time. What he did to me and the kids just hurt me, I can’t just get over that.

That’s why I often don’t feel like going to bed. He does try very hard for me and that is why he is extra disappointed when I reject him again. He wants so badly to show that he can be sweet, but for me that really needs more time and healing. He knows that too, we often talk about it together. Fortunately, because talking is important. I explain to him that I’m not ready yet and he understands that. If he is rejected again, he sometimes finds it difficult and I understand that.

I miss how things were between us, but I don’t mind that we don’t have sex now. I don’t need it, I’m not masturbating right now. I don’t need another guy either. He is also not involved with other women. That’s best for him too, because if I found out, he’d be out. I think he sometimes jerks himself off in the shower and that’s fine with me.

He will just have to be patient and make do with the few times I feel like it. That sometimes happens and then of course he takes advantage of it. Is it selfish that I only make love to him when I feel like it? I don’t think so, he is happy that something happens at those moments.

I also notice that he is starting to take less initiative, which I like. The more he insists, the more annoying I find it. If he leaves me alone, my sentence will come back on its own. Time heals all wounds, they say, right? If I also get some more energy, it will all be fine again. I am really convinced of that.”