#In 2022, Elon Musk raised $44 billion and bought global social network Twitter, and shocked analysts described it as the most spectacular, “cinematic” and aggressive deal of the year, just after picking the lower jaws off the ground, stepping on the carpet in surprise. We usually read and watch and hear about multibillion-dollar deals where one faceless conglomerate buys another, where consortia acquire assets and the complexity of the deal turns the deals into boring economics for most people.
But not Musk, who bought Twitter, fired every executive and waged war on US power and its backing corporate media, not forgetting his old multibillion-dollar feuds with other capitalist giants like Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates. He did it while he “tweeted” from his new ownership. Public, transparent, with a sense of humor. Few tycoons operate like this. With this in mind, we salute the historic 2022 in this sense with an attempt to offer Elon Musk a shopping list for 2023. What can the entrepreneur from Pretoria buy and what to do with it.
It’s “close to common sense” as they say. Musk has exposed a huge amount of machinations to Twitter’s old management, and his followers have been urging him to do the same to Facebook and indeed its entire rebranded parent company Meta.
Thousands of Facebook users who are routinely blocked — or, as the parlance says, “screwed” — dream of the day when Elon fires Mark Zuckerberg and kicks him out of his own company. So the masters of memes will finally see if “Zook” is capable of producing human emotions.
Netflix
The streaming giant is kicking off a bad year with its worst-rated product to date, the prequel to the fantasy extravaganza The Witcher. Musk can fix things by buying the company and showing the door to all bosses responsible for systematically changing a character from a beloved book, old TV series, or movie’s ethnicity, gender, and sexual orientation. So Musk can convince Netflix to screen Elden Ring in Bulgaria. On the Belogradchik rocks, of course.
BDZ
“Bai Ilon”, as it is called in our latitudes, should once again turn its attention to our beautiful country. Perhaps it’s time for the “mass Muskification” of the Bulgarian railways. Let the multibillionaire put Space X and Tesla technology on the railroads of the Republic. Supersonic trains will take us from Sofia to Varna to a cafe. And let’s laugh at the railroad jokes from BDZ’s new Twitter account.
FBI
After fixing the BJD, Elon Musk can return to the US to fix another ailing institution: the FBI. Musk has already revealed that ex-employees of the agency were employed en masse on Twitter. It’s time for the mega-billionaire to amend the Constitution to allow him to take over the FBI and then, in style, open all the agency’s files, from UFOs to the Kennedy assassination…
Forget “Catargate” and get ready for “Ilongate”. Musk was at the World Cup final and “tweeted” his impressions of the result of France-Argentina live. The boy obviously likes the game. FIFA to bail out of fresh corruption allegations and to make an offer to Musk next year that the nearest yet-unagreed World Cup would be held at ‘Tesla’s’ headquarters in Texas. And Elon can promise to launch a Space X rocket for every goal in the final. If it comes to sanctions, we are not interested in him …
Elections in Bulgaria
Let’s talk about. And on the ballot. In 2023 there will be local parliamentary elections and, most likely, early ones. Society is divided on the issue of automatic and paper voting. And for everything else. A new Messiah is expected, why not the Musk-ia. Maybe a futuristic fakir like Elon will bet on the machines and the vote will be counted before it’s cast, as they say. The 546th consecutive caretaker government can save itself a lot of nerves with a clear trade offer to Musk. If there are protests he will buy them too.
Academy Awards
The jury is out, the films are controversial, only Musk can fix it by buying the Academy and deciding the prizes through polls among Twitter users. It will probably be much fairer. Let’s hope Will Smith doesn’t jump on the bandwagon.
Photo: Getty Images
Rights to Tolkien’s ..Silmarillion
Buy them so as not to give them away to those who could ruin the literary legacy of the great fantasy author. In other words, do the opposite of what his old acquaintance and rival on the richest list – Bezos – did.
At least 10 major European paintings
Same logic here. Musk buys Renaissance masterpieces to better protect them from the world’s museums, which have allowed various eco-extremists to desecrate them with paint, food and glue. Elon will guard the paintings with futuristic laser beams to answer any climate freak who ran to the Mona Lisa canvas with tomato soup in flabby hands.
The shocking shopping shopping list can continue. Let 2023 be successful and everyone can afford to buy at least one social network, as Musk did in 2022. Or if not, at least go a full year without a 30-day ban. Greetings!
