Broke up in 2005 Butterfly’s then boyfriend their relationship. Much heartbreak and depression followed, but when it turned out that Vlinder also went through manic periods, the diagnosis of ‘bipolar’ was made.
Vlinder (39): “I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2007. This was preceded by a very intense period. It started in 2005, when my then boyfriend, with whom I lived for years, broke up with me. I ended up in a black hole that I couldn’t get out of.
Over time it became clear that there was more going on than just heartbreak and just not feeling like it anymore. Many things from my youth came to the surface during that time. For as long as I can remember, my mother has suffered from periods of depression in which she was completely emotionally unavailable. That felt very unsafe as a child. My father did his best. During the week he tried to raise two children and run a household in addition to his job. On the weekends I stayed with my grandparents. My mother was admitted to a psychiatric institution several times for a few months. When she was home, as I got older I took care of her more than she took care of me. In short, I come from a family situation where there was no security, with a mother who could not cope with life and could offer me nothing. Only in the very last phase of her life was she diagnosed with ‘bipolar’.
Childhood traumas
To escape this, I left home at a young age and started living together. In that relationship I was very dependent. So in 2005, when everything fell apart, my days became dark – so dark that I no longer found life worth living, I could no longer work and I didn’t want to leave the house. I decided to seek help and came into contact with all kinds of therapists. In that therapy I had to deal with, among other things, the traumas from my youth and I was given antidepressants. Many of these treatments were not reimbursed. The bills piled up and nothing helped.
It slowly dawned on me that I needed to go to the hospital and get the right medication. I found that difficult. My mother was never really heard during her illness and did not receive any targeted help. The medications she was prescribed never worked for her. In 2006, she took her own life after an earlier suicide attempt. The last two years of her life were hell. The doctors at the hospital failed to admit her during that suicidal period. I don’t think they knew how to treat her anymore or they misjudged it completely, that’s also possible. My confidence in health care was therefore not too great and I was afraid that the same thing awaited me. Yet I finally took the step to go to the hospital and be examined, also because in addition to depression I also had more and more manic episodes, and I knew that a bipolar disorder can only reveal itself in your twenties.
Everything in extremes
I understand that being bipolar is difficult for other people to understand. I can suddenly turn to depression and then turn back to the other, reckless side. There is no way to measure that. In depressive times I hang on the couch, everything is too much and I have no energy. Actually the day is too long for me, I feel no joy or interest in things or people and often think: I would be better off dead. In those days, that ‘blackness’ was a continuous state of being. When I am manic, I enjoy life again and do everything in an exaggerated form. I am bursting with energy, can work a lot and stay up very late, sometimes all night. I make daily plans where I run from here to here. Everything goes to the extreme; I just keep accelerating, there is no brake.
In those manic moments I am overconfident in making decisions and making contacts, also in the field of dating and in dealing with men. I don’t see any danger anywhere and I don’t think about consequences. During those manic periods I was certainly abused, because I trust everyone. I completely ignore well-intentioned advice such as ‘What should you do now?’ I think I’m decisive, but actually reckless is a better description. Making contact with strangers is easy – after all, I am choking with self-confidence – but ultimately I repel people, including men, because I am way too busy, want too much and am too energetic. I lose sight of all reality. For example, during a manic period I suddenly decided to set up my own coaching practice. I firmly believed in that and immediately started taking a private and online course. Luckily it didn’t get me into debt, but I did spend a lot of savings in one fell swoop. In the depressive period that followed, I gave up the idea of having my own practice. I couldn’t handle having my own company at all. I didn’t even know how to get through the day. The idea alone!
In a manic period I am too overwhelming and controlling for people in everything, as a result of which those around me can no longer follow me. During those periods the sun shines 24 hours a day, during depressive periods it is dark 24/7. I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar type 2.
Crying in the workplace
I now take medication that takes away the rough edges and is completely tailored to me, both in the ‘uppers’ and in the ‘downers’. It took a while to find the right medication; it had to catch on and that takes time. For example, I was first given a medication that made me so absent that I felt like a kind of zombie. The dose of the current medicine has already gone from 25 to 75 milligrams, which is quite a lot. These medications are also quite heavy, they fall under the Opium Act. In the morning I take pills that counteract the depression, in the evening I take a medicine that ensures that I stay out of the peaks and can sleep. A medication works well for me if I can get through the day reasonably well, but it is still difficult to function.
Unfortunately, working for an employer is unthinkable. I tried for years, but even a fairly simple job delivering mail gave me too much pressure. I pulled myself out of bed every morning and burst into tears in the workplace. I was extremely emotional and simply couldn’t get the work done; everything inside me cramped. I was unable to filter information and stimuli. In more stable periods I was always afraid of what would happen again if I started to feel worse. That added extra stress, sending you into a spiral of anxiety. Contracts were ultimately never extended. No employer wants to employ me. In 2013 I was completely rejected. I’ve been at home ever since. I now live entirely on benefits. I find that very bitter. I often think about the lives of others – people whose alarms go off every morning to go to work. The fact that I don’t contribute to society really hurts me. I’m happy to be able to tell my story, and hope to gain understanding from the people who read this. It is really hard to be mentally ill. People don’t see it in you; it’s better to have a broken arm.
Hypnotherapy
What I do during the day is walk. I also notice that I enjoy being creative – it allows me to get out of my head for a while. Sometimes I drink coffee in the mental health drop-in center, where I have a chat. I can have breakfast there once a week for €1.50. I really live day by day, I can’t see beyond that. Do I have a hereditary burden? Yes, I know that bipolar disorder is in the genes, but some things will certainly have been reinforced by all the traumas I suffered as a child.
In addition to medication, I receive hypnotherapy every week. I initiated that process myself, because regular healthcare does not believe that it can help at all. What I notice is that hypnotherapy contributes to the acceptance of my illness and that it teaches me to view my relationship with my mother from a distance. It has always been my fear of becoming like her. But I’m finding out more and more that she had her share and I had mine. I am not my mother.”
This article previously appeared in Marie Claire December 2018.
Text: Natasja Bijl | Image: Adobe Stock
2024-03-31 14:00:07
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