Today, the 38-year-old is a member of the AktivistA association (association for the visualization of the asexual spectrum). With FOCUS online she talks about common prejudices from “the appetite comes when you eat” to “wait until the right one comes along”; and she explains why it’s so important for society to know about the normality of asexual life.
FOCUS online: How common is asexuality?
Helena: One figure floating around is one percent of the population. A British study from 2022 even comes to two percent. For my feeling it works. It’s always a question of definition. Who exactly is meant?
Only strictly asexual people who have never been attracted to anyone? Or even those who feel sexual attraction only rarely or weakly. The spectrum is wide. And so far, unfortunately, still not accepted enough. Many of us experience pressure.
To what extent do people like you feel pressured?
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Helena: Recently there has been a lot of talk again about the ban on so-called commission treatments. Many automatically think of homosexual people who are supposed to be expelled from being gay or lesbian. But asexual people also report subtle pressure, including from professionals in the medical field.
What exactly is happening there?
Helena: Just relax and it’ll be fine. Or, for asexual men: If you take something for potency, the problem goes away. Many doctors and psychologists do not know about the asexual spectrum.
The result: bad stories of suffering spanning years or decades. There’s the 80-year-old who says she could never have given her husband what he wanted. He would always have rejected himself and she would have felt threatened. How tragic.
„ At some point my girlfriends started to rave about boys, and I thought: You’ll have it all, only later.”
Did you also suffer in earlier years?
Helena: I’m someone who doesn’t care much about the opinions of others. And I’m rather cool, not the emotional type. Let’s put it this way: I think I’ve let myself be driven less crazy than others. But of course there were hurtful moments. It’s not nice when you get an email after a romantic evening: It’s not normal the way you are. If you don’t like sex, you’re sick – that’s a common misconception.
I was in my mid-20s when this email happened. Luckily: Shortly before, I had come across a forum on the Internet that dealt with the phenomenon of asexuality. I knew: there is such a thing, period. With the backing of a community, you appear differently.
How did you react to the email?
Helena: Comparatively confident. I said: Look, you’re not from Germany, you belong to a minority. It’s similar for me. If you’ve never heard of asexuality, you can’t. Many are harmed because they endure something that is actually repugnant to them.
When did you first realize that sexuality works differently for you than it does for most people?
Helena: At some point my girlfriends started to rave about boys and I thought: You’ll get all of that too, only later. But the late bloomer theory wasn’t an explanation, there just wasn’t a later date. Then, in my early 20s, I found myself in situations where friends and I were talking completely past each other.
Do tell.
Helena: There was one guy I had a crush on. I told my friends about this, but something about my description seemed to bother them. They said I didn’t really care.
“Even then I was relatively sure: I wouldn’t get my appetite while eating.”
Why not?
Helena: My enthusiasm probably didn’t sound sexual enough to her ears. But it was a fact: the guy spoke to me, I was in love. For the girlfriends, the thing was clear: If you’re not interested in someone sexually, then that’s just friendship. For me it was different. Even then I was relatively sure: I wouldn’t get my appetite while eating.
Is that a common belief?
Helena: Yes. Or that the right person has to come first. I find the appetite-comes-with-eating theory particularly blatant, because as I said: in the worst case, this leads to abuse-like experiences. As a result, people on the asexual spectrum sometimes become more and more withdrawn, less and less affectionate in relationships. What a pity! After all, asexuality and a loving relationship are not mutually exclusive!
From your point of view, can people who don’t want sex live in a romantic relationship without any problems?
Helena: In our experience, non-asexual partners often suffer much more from rejection than from the lack of sex. Regarding your question: Yes, I believe many couples with different sexual needs would have a chance. However, the prerequisite is that those involved know what is going on. This is the only way you can shape your relationship.
Good communication is the be-all and end-all. What do I like? Not what? What is possibly still possible and what is absolutely not? I know this doesn’t sound terribly romantic, but it can be useful to make a list. A useful model for me, for example, is the traffic light model.
“To date, I have never had vaginal or anal sex. Neither does oral sex. Actively I find disgusting, passively I have to laugh”
Green works, red doesn’t?
Helena: Roughly. Hug me, cuddle me, don’t caress each other sexually, I like that, for example, that would be green. Things that I do for the sake of others can be yellow: sexual touching. Red is what I don’t do, ever. To date, I have had neither vaginal nor anal. Neither does oral sex. Actively I find disgusting, passively I have to laugh. But there was yellow.
For someone else’s sake?
Helena: This is also something that is misunderstood. It is by no means just about the other person getting their money’s worth. As one woman on the asexual spectrum with a sexually interested partner put it: Enjoying your partner’s arousal can also bring you joy. Even if you don’t feel anything like physical excitement.
That doesn’t seem to be the case with asexual people, does it?
Helena: No, that’s wrong! Sexuality and libido are not mutually exclusive. Asexual people can have a libido. For example, I get along best with myself alone. A lot of people think I can’t be on the asexual spectrum because I masturbate. But one does not exclude the other.
Have you ever been in a relationship?
Helena: Yes, for a few years. I dated an asexual man. We met through a forum. Not that I was specifically looking. That was more of a coincidence.
“I’ve never taken the pill in my life, never used a condom once”
But it sounds like a joker. At least on a physical level, the two of you should have harmonized well.
Helena: Some things were actually easier. Alone when I think how awkward it would have been if I had had to deal with the subject of contraception. I’ve never taken the pill in my life, never used a condom once. To stay with the traffic light model: When it came to red, it was clear to us from the start that we could save ourselves that.
Sounds like the but is coming now…
Helena: … well, kissing, for example, is a gray area for me. I really like kissing, simply because it’s something exclusive. I kiss good friends. But when this damp and warm thing comes along, I don’t think it’s that great. My boyfriend at the time liked wet kisses.
Let’s put it this way: It wasn’t because we broke up at some point. In this matter we have arranged ourselves. There were other things that came across at some point. Just how life goes.
“There are also asexuals who want children, but I never had it”
Were children an issue?
Helena: Not at all. My partner had two children from a marriage. That was better for me than someone who would have wanted children. There are also asexuals with desire to have children, but I never had it. I see no parallel to my sexual orientation. After all, there are also numerous sexually interested people who do not want to have children. I generally like to be alone, don’t feel incomplete without a relationship. I’ve been living like this for a few years and I’m fine.
How did you get involved with AktivistA?
Helena: I had experienced how stupid it is when you can’t make yourself understood. Something has to be done, I thought, and when I first saw an information stand at a CSD in Berlin more than ten years ago, I thought: This is already happening here – and I got involved. I believe that without this commitment, we people on the asexual spectrum would be somewhere else today.
What has changed through the work of the association?
Helena: I don’t trumpet my orientation out into the world, but when the whole thing does come up, people now react much more calmly than they did ten or 15 years ago. Most people have at least heard of asexuality and can accept it if we say: That’s just how we are. Not in protest, not because we want to be a counter-movement…
…as a reaction to an over-sexualized society?
Helena: Some say so. But you’re not asexual for any particular reason. There is no such pattern. Yes, there are asexual people who have bad experiences, but they exist throughout society. Besides, there is always the question of what came first. It’s possible that people have bad experiences because they’re asexual. Because they let themselves be pushed into things. And that’s exactly what we rebel against.
* Name changed by editors
2023-07-28 11:18:00
#Asexual #vaginal #anal #oral #sex
