Christophe Carré is a professional mediator, specialist in prevention, dispute resolution and relationship dysfunctions. It gives us the keys to better understand children’s resistance to our requests and to find a peaceful and benevolent authority.
What parent has never had to shout, threaten their child with punishment, or even promise them a reward to get them to obey? Tired of parleying, explaining or simply waiting for the child to comply, many parents use these procedures to seemingly make their lives easier. So much so that, in some families, this way of communicating ends up establishing itself as an educational model.
Indeed, raising a child can sometimes be akin to a real pitched battle around many subjects: doing homework, helping at home, going to bed or simply coming to the table … However, when faced with a child who does not seem prompt. to respond to the wishes of his parents, another solution is possible, far from cries, threats and blackmail. Interview with Christophe Carré, author of the book Getting without punishing. The secrets of positive manipulation with children.
Lyon Capitale: A large number of parents resort to shouting, blackmail, punishment or reward to be obeyed, to what do you think this is due?
Christophe Carré: I believe that many parents want immediate effectiveness when they want to get something from the child, whether it be in the face of acceptable behavior – the child is cooperative, but not quickly enough to the taste of the parent – or unacceptable.
And it’s true that they are somehow right: the yelling, the punishments, the rewards, all of this works pretty much fine in the very short term. But experience shows that it does not hold up over time. The child does not integrate the new desired behaviors. But this is probably not specific to children: look at how many motorists operate for example: once the radar has passed, you accelerate!
Why does a little one not obey? Is this a natural tendency specific to all children?
Obedience is not a natural given. No more for children than for adults. In addition, it should be understood that in children, especially the smallest, the brain is not yet mature. As a result, the latter does not yet have good control over his emotions and behaviors.
He also does not always clearly understand what the parent expects from him. What adults will consider disobedience can also be compared to immaturity or incomprehension. But the child can also disobey to test the quality of the adult’s attention or control: “Are mom and dad always paying attention to what I’m doing? Are they looking at me? ” Let’s not forget that young children are motivated by fun. When a child plays, he wants to go to the end of his game, not necessarily put away his toys. Certain rules, limits or instructions create frustration for him. So he tries to assert himself, to acquire autonomy. He wants to be able to choose for himself …
“Obedience is not a natural given”
What can be the consequences of such an operation? Doesn’t the parent run the risk of always having to promise more? Isn’t this preventing the child from taking responsibility?
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