Berlin. Money and love don’t mix. Is this saying true or can shared finances in relationships be managed fairly?
Money becomes an issue in relationships much earlier than most couples realize. The question arises on the first date: Who pays? Things get even more complicated when couples move in together, pay rent, finance joint purchases and maybe even save for their own house or retirement. A couples therapist explains which mistakes couples make most often and how they can be avoided.
Mistake 1: Not talking about money in the relationship
The saying “Friendship ends when money comes into play“ shows that it is considered impolite or inappropriate to talk about money among acquaintances. This assumption also continues in relationships: Among couples, it seems to be taboo to talk about finances. A representative YouGov survey commissioned by the payment service PayPal shows that 73 percent of those surveyed do not want to argue about money. One in five (21 percent) is afraid of putting a strain on the relationship if they talk about money. More than one in four (27 percent) feels insecure when their partner demands money.
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The couple therapist and former lecturer in business psychology Gisbert Straden from Berlin observed: “Couples shy away from the topic Money like the devil does holy water.” The fear of being worth less or of being abandoned because you can’t keep up plays a big role. It is particularly important for a relationship to talk about finances. “The sooner the better,” says Straden.
It is best for couples to discuss expectations and preferences regarding the handling of expenses during the dating phase. Who pays the bill at the restaurant? What is each person’s budget? “Open discussions create clarity,” says the couple therapist, adding: “Unspoken expectations such as ‘It will be fine, even if we split up’ lead to the couple hitting the ground hard with reality.” And: If love fails because of such an issue, according to the couple therapist’s hypothesis, then love would not have lasted either. “The quality of the Dealing with financial issues is always an indicator of the quality of the relationship – of how well you can discuss difficult topics with each other.”
Mistake 2: Overburdening others with high expenses
The issue of finances becomes even more complicated when there is a financial imbalance, for example due to wage differences. According to Federal Statistical Office Women in Germany will earn an average of 18 percent less than men in 2023. This Wage differences can reinforce outdated role models in which money is seen as a man’s business.
But there are also opposing developments. “In our practice, we observe that today not only men are better off financially, but often women too, for example through better education, a better job or an inheritance,” explains Straden. The Paartherapeut adds: “Unfortunately, many men have not learned to deal with this subjectively perceived humiliation.”
Because how and what someone earns affects not only their financial but often also their social position in the relationship, says the couple therapist. Straden stresses that no couple starts out with the intention of using money as a means of pressure or power. However, income differences that are too great often lead to the higher earner unconsciously taking on a more authoritative role and the lower earner not feeling equal. For example, if the assumption of costs results in obligations that require the lower earner to do more housework.
Gisbert Straden is a couples therapist and former lecturer in business psychology. Together with his wife Andrea Katz, also a couples therapist for sex and trauma therapy, he runs the practice “From Couple to Couple” in Berlin. © Gisbert Straden | Gisbert Straden
The solution? “Talk. Create clarity about values, visions, dreams. Address how the partner feels about this imbalance, what he or she is feeling and take these feelings seriously – and under no circumstances downplay them,” advises Straden. Many Couples then felt better coordinated and connected.
For couples with large income differences, a Three-account model be the solution. “If things are going well, you don’t need it. But if things are going badly, everything is taken care of. Because you always know where you stand – unromantic, but helpful,” says Straden. With this model, couples have a private account as well as a joint account from which all shared expenses such as rent, shopping, insurance and holidays are paid. It is important to note that “the maximum amount for the financially weaker partner is also the maximum for the other. This makes it clear: we don’t have any more,” stresses Straden. This process of reaching an agreement is not always easy, but it means that in the end, the financially weaker partner is on an equal footing.
Mistake 3: Not communicating how important money is to you
Different spending habits can also lead to conflicts. Those who earn little will probably have trouble if the Partner is liberal with his money. For those with higher incomes, however, it can be a problem not to be able to live up to the status he supposedly deserves.
Here, silence is silver, speaking is gold. unequal financial needs Sooner or later, couples have to seek out a conversation. According to Straden, effective financial planning requires that both partners agree on the importance of material wealth.
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Helpful questions can be:
- What motivates my financial decisions?
- What topic related to money scares me?
- What would I have to do to be satisfied with my financial situation?
- What does money mean to me?
The aim of the honest exchange is to become aware of one’s own attitude to money and to agree on a mode that both partners agree with. Here, too, the three-account model shows its advantages: “With this variant, one partner can surprise the other with a gift without fearing that the other will Bank statement checks,” says Straden.
Mistake 4: Always stubbornly sticking to your own views on money
If you have your own Attitude to moneyabout having and not having, about giving and receiving, part of the work is done. But only part: the values that you bring with you from your parents also influence your own attitude to money, says couples therapist Straden. Every person is shaped by the beliefs and messages that they heard as a child. “Unfortunately, we often see that people from less well-off families have difficulties with this. Because people usually strive upwards in their development, rarely horizontally and never downwards. Our own social roots, which are part of our identity, are often abandoned or even denied,” explains Straden.
Nevertheless, the couple therapist points out that the possibility of a agreement is often greater than the couple initially believes. After all, it is their own identity with everything that makes up their identity that attracts their partner.
The following questions can help couples with different financial, cultural or ethnic backgrounds develop mutual understanding:
- What influence do culture, ethnic origin, affiliation, status and power have on my personality?
- What expectations do I bring to our relationship from my partner based on my background – the story behind the story?
- What financial differences are there between us that can be better understood when viewed against the backdrop of our background, our status and the position of our family of origin? Why is money so important and what does it represent?
Anyone who Beliefs When someone is clear about how to handle money, they can think about whether they want to continue to be influenced by it – or whether it is time to clean up and develop their own attitude.
