Dubai, United Arab Emirates (CNN) – Most parents know their behavior has an effect on their children’s mental health, now and possibly forever.
As such, we strive to summon our best, enjoying as composure and compassion as possible, with little hope that these moments will outweigh those untied.
There are times when this is easier, and times when it is more difficult. For now, if it’s not clear, it’s much more difficult.
With the spread of the pandemic, school closures, the climate crisis, and political and economic uncertainty, this year has made it difficult for anyone to reasonably hold it.
The good news is that children don’t need us to be pillars of strength in wreckage. A parent’s anxiety or depression does not mean that the child will inevitably suffer from anxiety or depression now or in the future.
What matters more than how unstable we feel is how we deal with these anxious feelings. This is the case whether as parents or children suffering from anxiety or depression.
The relationship between the mental health of parents and children
Marcy Burstein, a clinical psychologist and staff member at the American Institute of Mental Health who has researched the topic, explains that there is a long-standing relationship between parenting and child mental health problems.
Children of parents with anxiety disorders are four to six times more likely to develop an anxiety disorder in their lives, and children of depressed parents are three to four times more likely to have depression. These disorders often appear in childhood or adolescence.
The reason, however, remains uncertain. It’s likely a mixture of genetics, biology and the environment, Burstein said. Also, it is not always something that is passed on from parent to child; A child’s behavior can affect their parents.
“This is the chicken-and-egg phenomenon,” Burstein said. “The relationship between parent and child is a bidirectional and complex one.”
But regardless of where and how mental illness begins – something that may be impossible to pinpoint precisely – Burstein wants parents to know that no one is to blame.
Elie Liebowitz, director of the Anxiety Disorders Program at the Yale Center for Child Studies, agrees.
When it comes to children suffering from anxiety and depression, it is seldom thought that a parent’s suffering with mental health is the direct cause.
“There is still an idea that parents are all wrong, and that mental health, as a system, has a long history of it,” Liebowitz said.
This does not mean that parents do not have any influence on the mental health of their children.
It all depends on the style of response
Emotional suffering is inevitable. Life is painful and uncomfortable for all of us at some point. If you’ve never experienced these feelings, well, I have some bad news. You’re likely to be very denial or toxic positivity (or both), and it doesn’t help anyone, especially you.
Sometimes, anxiety and sadness can be controlled without professional help. Sometimes it is so strong that it is considered a clinical disorder and requires professional help.
Either way, denying this pain can cause long-term harm to our children and ourselves. The emotional healthy thing to do, which is also the difficult and brave thing to do, is to acknowledge our struggles in front of our children and model a healthy response to them.
“Children look to parents to understand their reality and the world,” Leibovitz said. “It starts in childhood.” He pointed to a study where children respond to their parents’ facial signals when deciding whether or not to crawl on a transparent floor. Babies of seemingly fearful parents stopped crawling. Those whose parents seemed calm kept crawling.
“This is a major way for us to know what is safe, dangerous, happy and sad,” he added.
This does not mean that we always need to appear calm. When we worry about Covid-19, forest fires, racism or financial insecurity – or because we suffer from clinical anxiety disorder – we must admit it face to face with our children in an age-appropriate way.
For young children, the words “sad” and “fearful” are probably better choices than “depressed” and “anxious.”
Age-appropriate conversations about anxiety and depression can accomplish a number of things. First, talking to your children normalizes these feelings and shows children that it is okay to acknowledge and express them. Second, communication ensures children know that parental anxiety and anxiety are not the children’s fault. Finally, when parents talk about what they are doing to deal with these feelings, they show their children how to deal with their harsh feelings.
If a child is afraid to go to the park because she is afraid that she will catch the Coronavirus there, do not say: “I understand that you are afraid and we will not go.” Instead, say, “I understand you are afraid, but we know this is safe, and I know you can do it.”
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