The Taboo of Euthanasia: Stories of Loss, Grief, and the Importance of Recognition

The foundation will soon have its first meeting in real life, and the three notice that people are also visiting each other online via the closed Facebook group. “That’s nice, especially if the group keeps getting bigger, because then we can sometimes get away from it all. It is wonderful ‘work’ to do, but some days it is also quite difficult… You should not lose yourself in all those stories, after all, you also have your own sadness and grieving process.”

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‘Not everyone gets better’

At times like that, Ellen just lets it happen. “Esther’s old room is my craft room, that’s where I sit. Then I listen to the music we played at her funeral, to consciously reflect on it. Life goes on and I notice that it is good to sometimes make some time to grieve. At the same time, continuing Esther’s mission also helps me with this. Thanks to the foundation, we now come into contact with mental health care in a different way and are invited for conversations. That’s what I want: to seek contact through connection, not through anger or misunderstanding. Digging in our heels won’t get us anywhere, let’s find each other and get them thinking.”

Ellen would like to see different views on euthanasia in the case of unbearable psychological suffering in the future. “Why do we still find death so scary? It’s the only certainty we have. People die in regular healthcare, I think we have to recognize that this is also the case in psychiatry. Not everyone gets better, it is a utopia to think that this is always possible. Saying goodbye is also part of good care. I wish people and their families a dignified and loving farewell, instead of the shock that often comes with suicide.”

Just talk

Yet talking about euthanasia is still a taboo. In healthcare, but also certainly in social circles. “Esther really lost friends in the process, yes,” Ellen reflects. “People dropped out, didn’t know how to talk about it. Fortunately, people come from unexpected places and suddenly call, make food or send something nice. Then you hold on to that.”

Because saying something, no matter how clumsy, is better than saying nothing, Ellen argues. “For us, it’s just nice to know that someone is thinking about you. It doesn’t matter if you say ‘the wrong thing’, I prefer to discuss it. Silence is the hardest.”

Recognition

The book by Menno Oosterhoff – Esther’s second opinion doctor – and Kit Vanmechelen was recently published Let me go. It also contains text fragments from Esther, from her many diaries: through these texts she gives an insight into her suffering. Ellen hopes that the book will help open up a conversation, especially among practitioners and general practitioners.

“I notice that healthcare is still very cautious about this, which I understand to a certain extent. It is good that euthanasia after psychological suffering is handled with care, but it is not out of the blue happens. But it is important to also show that it can be a beautiful path, that you can mean so much to patients and their families.”

It all starts with recognition, and that is what Ellen is now committed to – on behalf of her daughter. Sometimes I look at her photo and think: she should know what she’s doing. She would be proud of this.”

Are you struggling with suicidal thoughts or worried about someone else? Then talk about it. Call 113 or go to www.113.nl: they are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

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2023-09-24 05:04:40
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