Someone who doesn’t look you in the eye and touch his nose is lying. However? With our body we ‘say’ all sorts of things. But do we actually ‘understand’ each other well? All about the sense and nonsense of body language.
Eighty percent of communication is through body language. At least, that is what is sometimes claimed. But is that actually true? Body language expert Frank van Marwijk says that there are many figures circulating on this subject. The best known is that of the American psychologist Mehrabian. “He stated that when expressing sympathy, so if you like each other – he explicitly mentioned that context – 55% is determined by body language, especially by someone’s facial expression. 38% is determined by your intonation and only 7% by the content of what you say. So if you like each other, your facial expression and intonation are more important than the words you use.” Although it is not a question of important or less important, says Van Marwijk. “When you enter somewhere, you make a certain impression. But when you start talking afterwards, you do it again – even if you’ve already made that first impression. The point is that body language and spoken language have different functions. Spoken language is suitable for conveying content, so for conveying what you want to say. While body language, intonation and your way of coming across – so basically non-verbal communication – are important for establishing the relationship: who takes charge, do you like each other, what kind of conversation is this? Body language is therefore important at the relationship level, while spoken language is important at the content level. You cannot separate them.”
What is body language?
Frank van Marwijk: “I see body language as language without words that you express with your body. Non-verbal communication and body language are sometimes used interchangeably. I personally think that aspects such as the distance you keep from each other, how you look and the time you set aside for something, also fall under body language.”
Why is body language so important?
For our ancestors, body language was the most important form of communication. The part of the brain that controls our emotions and physical reactions is much older than the part we use for our words. That limbic system came in handy when we needed to be able to react quickly to a ferocious bear. But even now our physical behavior is controlled by this unconscious brain. When you get emotional, your body language is the only language you still speak, says Van Marwijk in his book Body Language. Moreover, we still communicate unnoticed more than we speak. If you are a trained body language listener, you can easily tell if there is a difference between what someone is saying and what they are thinking. Just ask your teenage son if he’s already studied for his geography test. He will say yes, but his demeanor shows hesitation. He reacts defensively, pausing long before answering, then turns away and changes the subject. Is he lying now? Not necessarily. He must have done quite a bit of geography, but not enough to satisfy you and himself.
Three questions about body postures
Someone’s posture can say something about someone. But that is a bit more nuanced, says body language expert Frank Van Marwijk.
What does it say when someone doesn’t look at you?
“I notice that people want an unequivocal answer to the question of what it means if someone does not look at you, for example that your conversation partner is not listening with interest. But when I come home from work and tell a story to my wife, who is just busy in the kitchen scraping the carrots and is not looking at me, it does not mean that she is not listening. She is only doing something while listening to me. Sometimes people also think someone is lying or hates you if they don’t look at you, but it could just as well be that someone is just shy. It is not so easy to give unambiguous meaning to someone’s posture. You have to take the context into account. Did you know that research has been done into viewing behavior when two people are talking to each other? The speaker looks away about 60% of the time. You look at someone when you start talking. But while someone is talking, he looks up to concentrate, or he looks down, that says something about how he feels. At the end of a word he looks at his listener, as if to make a point. When he’s done, he looks at you longer, then gives his turn to the listener. Incidentally, the listener looks more at the speaker: up to 75% of the time.”
What does rolling eyes mean?
“That is a so-called emblem gesture. Emblem gestures are agreed-upon gestures that replace words, just like the thumbs up, for example. You roll your eyes to show that someone is bored or annoying you.”
What do you ‘say’ when you cross your arms?
“Many people think that when you fold your arms, someone shuts down. Body language experts agree that doesn’t necessarily mean it. You can also cross your arms because you’re cold, or because you’re just comfortable. Although it can certainly mean that you close yourself off. For example, research shows that people who have to solve a puzzle and have their arms folded, last longer because they are more focused – they close themselves, as it were. Conversely, students in a class seem to absorb more information when they have their arms loose. Another example: if someone leans back with their arms folded in a meeting, they are less likely to be asked something because the others will assume that they are listening. If he does want to say something, chances are he’ll lean forward and let go of his arms. With your arms loose you are more open to information, and more comes out. Car salesmen have a trick for customers who stand with their arms folded. Such a salesman can talk like Brugman, but then that information is less accessible. Then what does he do? Then he offers that customer a cup of coffee. For example, a customer can no longer stand with his arms crossed.”
Does your body always speak the truth?
“Certainly not,” says Van Marwijk. “A notorious criminal can lie very well, also with his body language. If such a person is lying, you will not notice anything suspicious in his body language.”
Fact or fiction: with your body language you can send the wrong signals
Fact.
Van Marwijk: “People often think that someone has something to hide when you see conflicting signals. The body then says something different than the mouth. For example, someone does not look at you, touches the face a lot, licks his lips, makes nervous movements, perspires more and gets red cheeks. They may seem jumpy when you ask a question, blink more, give a stuttering answer, and speak faster than usual. These are all signs that people think indicate mendacity. Still, you’re not sure. The body language of your conversation partner tells you that the other is tense or excited, but you don’t know why. If someone is nervous, it may be because they are afraid of being caught doing something. But it may also be that he is afraid of not being believed when he actually speaks the truth. In both cases you see tension and fear. To know if someone is really hiding something, it is important to ask the right questions. It is just like during a police interrogation: if a suspect becomes nervous when asked a neutral question about something that only the perpetrator can know, that is certainly a reason for extra attention. The question: ‘Do you have a motorcycle license?’ for example, is not very interesting for an average person. But for a suspect who has committed a robbery with a motorcycle, it is different. His body signals can then betray his involvement.”
Can you exert extra influence on what you want to achieve with body language?
Frank van Marwijk: “Yes, definitely. You can learn to manipulate. Say you’re driving your car, and someone cuts you off. Then your first reaction will be: anger, honk and raise your middle finger. The other person will undoubtedly do the same, and before you know it, things can escalate. What you can also do is smile and wave. That man will then think: shit, did I just cut off someone I know? He will probably either drive off quickly, or at least hold back. This is how you manipulated someone with your body language. You can also try asking a question during a meeting and then making eye contact with the person you want to answer your question. Chances are he actually does. By the way, research has also been done into the body language of supermarket cashiers who gave change to a customer. The cashiers who put the change in their customer’s hand and touched that hand were judged to be many times more sympathetic than the cashiers who simply put the change down.”
Is what you see in someone else’s body language always the truth?
Frank van Marwijk: “No. I am often asked if I can be someone or if he is lying. The stereotypical answer is yes, because then someone would, for example, touch their nose, not look you straight in the eye and make nervous movements. But because those stereotypes are so entrenched, you can also turn it around. Then the question becomes, how do you become a good liar? Well, then you look someone else straight in the eye and make natural movements. I was once asked if I could tell if Joran van der Sloot, the Dutchman suspected of the murder of Natalee Holloway, was lying. He had been put on the lie detector while being asked if he had killed her. Everyone would react nervously to this question, but he was nothing to see, you know – which is suspicious.”
11x prejudices about posture
If you show adults images with people in certain poses, almost everyone reacts with prejudices, writes Frank van Marwijk in his book. One would be closed because he has his arms folded, the other lying because he touches his nose. “But when I show the same images to four-year-old children, I get very different answers. A child will say: ‘That gentleman has his arms folded, that lady is standing up and that gentleman has his legs on the table.’ So we have learned to interpret what we see. Not everyone who touches their nose is lying – someone may just have a cold.” Here are eleven well-known attitudes and their stereotypical meaning:
• Arms crossed: closed
• Open hands: honest
• Finger across cheek: critical
• Touching the nose: lying
• Scratching the head: doubt
• Hands on hips: dominant
• Pointing: dominating, determining
• Rub the chin: makes a decision
• Hand under chin: bored
• Hands behind the head: superior, know-it-all
• Show thumbs: show of power
In short: the meaning of body language
The meaning of a gesture differs per situation. “If someone supports their chin after a hard night, it probably indicates fatigue rather than boredom,” writes Van Marwijk in his book. “Someone holding their upper arm isn’t necessarily insecure, but they might have mouse arm. What someone does at any given time makes a lot of difference. If someone listens with their arms folded, it is a relaxed position. But when someone speaks like this in front of a group, his presentation comes across as rather inhibited. It is better to look at the combination of postures, gestures and facial expressions. And of course what someone says is also important. Part of learning body language is also unlearning the popular explanation of non-verbal communication. Nevertheless, you can safely take stereotyped descriptions as a starting point. There is a lot of truth in it, if you take into account the person and the circumstances in your explanation. And remember that others also judge you with the familiar stereotypes in their heads. So if you rub your nose, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re lying. But others may have that idea.”
Text: Ella Mae Wester
Foto: Getty Images
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2023-08-03 08:51:23
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