The Radical Act of Self-Love: Beyond Buying Flowers

Beyond buying flowers, how to practice self-love?

“I can love myself better than you. Miley Cyrus’ uplifting celibacy anthem “Flowers” has clearly struck a poignant chord with people around the world with over 83 million streams on Spotify at the time of publication.

There are plenty of easter eggs to uncover in Cyrus’ lyrics that seem to relate to her relationship with Hemsworth, from their burning Malibu house.(Opens in a new tab) to the costume that Cyrus dances in, which is said to be the same jacket Hemsworth wore to the premier of The Avenger. However, it’s in the chorus that we see Miley celebrating self-love and reveling in her autonomy.

The chorus, which responds to the lyrics of When I Was Your Man by Bruno Mars, is: “I can buy myself flowers / Write my name in the sand / Talk to me for hours, yeah / Say things that you don’t understand / I can catch myself dancing, yeah / I can hold hands / Yeah, I can love myself better than you. »

It makes self-love easy when you put it that way. But in practice, what does true self-esteem look like? What is a meaningful love affair with “the self” and why is pursuing it the most radical act of love there is?

What is self-esteem?

Our thoughts around self-love often conjure up images of bubble baths and delicious food, a crispy Sancerre with the power to wipe out a weekly food budget, and a candle sheet mask. But how often does the term explore the difficult reality of what self-love really takes? Bouquets of flowers aside, self-love often takes the form of things like building self-esteem, setting boundaries, giving yourself grace, or ending friendships that have run their course.

Self-love is a complex web of assertiveness and trust, forgiveness, and showing up every day, even if you’ve gotten royally pissed off. While there’s joy in buying flowers that read “for me, from me”, there’s something more powerful in realizing that you don’t need someone else to buy them. to feel worthy of the gesture in the first place.

While there’s joy in buying flowers that say “for me, from me,” there’s something more powerful in realizing that you don’t need someone else to buy them. for you.

Knowing all this does not facilitate self-love. We can’t think of loving ourselves deeper, it takes action. So what’s in the secret sauce of self-love? UKCP registered senior psychotherapist Alivia Rose tells Indigo Buzz we can’t go from 0 to 60 in 0.2 seconds. If we really want to practice self-love, we have to be at it for the long haul, and we have to be kind to ourselves. The first step, she explains, is to ask yourself hard questions and give yourself truthful answers: Do I deserve it? Am I ready to bear?

“Choosing to take care of yourself is a powerful statement to make,” she says, “limits may seem like a tough love, but the reality is that we redefine ourselves by what we are not ready to accept. You must be strong. You have to be brave. »

Strength takes time to build. “Boundaries are built gradually and are slowly respected. But sticking to it will create more space for self-love because it will build confidence and self-esteem in a lasting way,” she says, “plus it will weed out people who aren’t. “. eager to grow with you. »

Setting boundaries is an essential aspect of self-love, but what do we do when we are taken aback by rejection or our intrusive thoughts overwhelm us? Then what ?

Examine how you talk to yourself

“It’s important to first understand what gets in the way of self-love. » Dr. Elena Touroni, consulting psychologist and co-founder of T(Opens in a new tab)a Chelsea Psychology Clinic(Opens in a new tab), says Indigo Buzz. “Pay attention to how you talk to yourself and what kind of stories your mind likes to tell. When you notice yourself being hard on yourself, pause and ask yourself if this is a fact or just an opinion. »

Touroni explains that if we want to find the best in ourselves, which is treated with love and respect, we must first be kind to the version of ourselves that is completely wrong. And, sometimes, we need to dig deeper into why we might have such negative opinions about ourselves. “If you’re someone who tends to be very hard on yourself, it often goes back to childhood, and therapy is a great place to start exploring the roots of that vulnerability so you can move it once. for all,” she said. said.

Rose explains that being invested in self-love can be one step forward and two steps back from time to time. She suggests creating a gratitude journal that denotes three good things you love about yourself and practicing it daily, then reflecting on it during times when seeing those things is difficult. She also suggests giving yourself room to hesitate and forgiving yourself for those moments. “Be a friend to yourself,” she continues, “when this negative self-talk creeps in, ask yourself, would you talk to your friends like you talk to yourself? Probably not, you probably wouldn’t have any friends if you did,” she laughs. She’s not wrong.

Building self-esteem involves hard sacrifices

Celia Jarvis(Opens in a new tab), a BACP self-esteem counselor, tells Indigo Buzz that, “If you really want to boost self-esteem in the name of self-love, there are sacrifices to be made, and those may seem difficult at first. Jarvis explains that this can mean cutting (or drastically reducing) social media to save us from comparison, letting go of friends or relationships that intentionally put you down, and committing to spending more time on activities and people that reinforce your self-esteem. .

“Building self-esteem is a lifelong process,” says Jarvis, “at the heart of it all, you have to get to know your authentic self and love it, even in times when it is in a mess.” spectacular. And you do it by being responsible, consistent, and compassionate. »

To surrender to self-love is to practice it every day to build confidence and self-esteem. And maybe self-love is often something that’s not glamorous, but necessary, and that’s what makes it so radical. After all, Audre Lorde, poet and author of A Burst of Light(Opens in a new tab), said it best when she said; “Taking care of myself is not self-indulgence. It’s self-preservation, and it’s an act of political warfare. That’s why when we hear songs like Flowers, it can be confrontational. What joy would it be to choose this love for ourselves? One that is steeped in indulging in agency and desire, but not driven by vain intent, and instead born out of choosing ourselves every time.

When this negative self-talk creeps in, ask yourself if you would talk to your friends like you talk to yourself? Probably not, you probably wouldn’t have any friends if you did.

“I think it’s great that Miley Cyrus is releasing this (song) for young people to hear,” Rose told Indigo Buzz. “If you think of people listening to this track and repeating these words, reaffirming the message to themselves over and over again, that’s powerful. »

Loving yourself is an act of resistance

She explains that women find it more difficult to love themselves in a patriarchal and capitalist society(Opens in a new tab), with increasing pressures to be several things at the same time; to be young, but to age gracefully; work, but do not earn more than your partner; be sexy, but not sexual; be “virginal”, but not prudish – the list goes on and I’m sure you know it intimately. All of this has a ripple effect on our ability to practice self-love, the impact is that low self-esteem has become a symptom of gender inequality(Opens in a new tab)with enormous repercussions on the psychological and mental health of women.

Research shows that women are more likely to suffer from low self-esteem than men worldwide,(Opens in a new tab) this may be because, from the age of 14, girls consistently report lower than average self-esteem scores than boys, at all ages.(Opens in a new tab) The COVID-19 pandemic has also had a negative impact on self-esteem. Women, in particular, suffered the most psychological distress and negative feelings, compared to men.(Opens in a new tab)

Self-esteem itself is made up of a myriad of aspects(Opens in a new tab), from our perception of ourselves, to how we think the outward-facing world perceives us, both in appearance and value. That’s why building it is a difficult, slow process that benefits from having an ally to support you emotionally throughout, whether it’s a good, strong friend or a therapist.

Self-love is a celebration of self – of you (yes, you). A love story both forgiving and unrelenting, and no amount of fine wine or scented candles can compare to the peace and assurance of putting your needs first, of “holding my own hand.”