The Phenomenon of ‘Boyfriend Sickness’: When New Relationships Impact Friendships
Have you ever experienced the phenomenon of “boyfriend sickness”? It’s that moment when a friend starts a new relationship and suddenly disappears from your life. They become obsessed with their new partner, bailing on plans, skipping group events, and essentially vanishing from the face of the planet. But fear not, because this is actually a normal and healthy stage in a new relationship, according to experts.
TikTok influencer and podcaster Tinx is credited with coining the term “boyfriend sickness” to describe this phenomenon. In her video, she acknowledges that she has also been the one to ditch her friends when starting a new romance. It’s a common experience that affects people of all genders and sexual orientations.
One individual, Chanakya Ramdev, recalls falling victim to boyfriend sickness in his 20s when he started dating his first serious girlfriend. He became so infatuated with her that he abandoned his social group without even realizing it. It was only when he was scrolling through Instagram one day that he realized he had neglected his friends. Looking back, he couldn’t believe what he had done.
So why does this happen? According to Amir Levine, an associate professor of psychiatry at Columbia University, when we start a new romantic relationship, our brain’s attachment system is activated. Our attachment styles, which are formed in childhood, come into play. While friendships are important, when you’re in a romantic relationship, your brain works overtime to bond with your new partner. There’s one person who becomes your safety mechanism, the one you call when something bad happens.
This process of bonding with a new partner requires spending a lot of alone time together, going on dates, and being in each other’s presence. It activates the brain’s reward system, making it incredibly rewarding to be with your new partner and distressing to be apart. This process can take a few months, but once you’ve securely attached and know that your partner isn’t going anywhere, you’ll be able to comfortably explore your other relationships again.
Oxytocin, often referred to as the “love hormone” or “cuddle hormone,” plays a role in this bonding process. It is released during labor and nursing, facilitating the connection between a mother and her offspring. In romantic relationships, oxytocin may sharpen certain stimuli related to the new partner and relegate others to the background. This hyperfocus on the new partner can lead to less time spent with friends, work, and other obligations.
While this phase of intense infatuation can be exciting for those in the relationship, it can be challenging for friends who feel left behind. Psychotherapist Charlotte Fox Weber emphasizes that friendships are crucial for mental health, well-being, identity, and purpose. It’s important to remember that while romantic love is wonderful, nurturing friendships is equally important.
However, if you haven’t seen or heard from your friend in months due to their new relationship, it could be a red flag. It may indicate that their partner is trying to isolate them from family and friends, which could be a sign of an unhealthy or even abusive relationship.
On the other hand, some individuals find that a new relationship helps them mature and let go of unhealthy social patterns. Danny Groner, for example, met his now-wife in his 20s and realized that he needed to achieve his potential and become an adult faster. He dropped his comedic act and focused on the relationship. When he returned to his old friend group, things had changed, but he didn’t miss the entertainer version of himself.
Fortunately, many people are able to rejoin their friend groups after recovering from boyfriend sickness. When Ramdev finally made his way back to his friends after his Instagram realization, he did receive some snarky comments. However, he believes they were well-deserved, as his friends wondered where he had been all that time.
In conclusion, boyfriend sickness is a common phenomenon that occurs when someone starts a new relationship and becomes completely absorbed in it. While it can be challenging for friends who feel left behind, it’s a normal and healthy stage in a relationship. As long as the new partner isn’t isolating their loved one from family and friends, it’s important to give them the space to bond and eventually rejoin their social circle. Friendships are essential for mental health and well-being, so it’s crucial to nurture them even when in the throes of new love.
