The need for love that isn’t there

I recognize them by their excuses and their escape: whether they came to me for a medical visit or for psychotherapy, at a certain point they realize that I have noticed. They understand that the visible signs on the body and, even more so, those concealed in words and silences are Tom Thumb’s crumbs: they are living in a relationship in which violence is the only truth, and I have intuited it.
The probability that a woman asks for help by clearly expressing the state of danger in which she lives is not as high as we would hope: it is difficult to hear that the real problem is herself, her partner or husband or brother or father or stepfather, because in the majority of In some cases, fear and total confusion about what love is prevent clear vision. Approaching a woman who doesn’t know how to escape from the nightmare of violence requires a wide turn and maximum concentration: the curtain of defenses that erects around the pain must be flown over and, once the millimeter of opening has been grasped, a hand must be extended aiming where it is more likely to be grabbed. It’s not just a question of fear, of skepticism towards a protection that seems unlikely or even impossible: the desire for love is involved.
Anyone desires love, even those who fiercely say no: it is a primary need, a vital necessity which on a psychosomatic level guarantees the functioning of the glands, organs and systems. You live by love, without fear of dying. Love nourishes the body and emotions, gives meaning to choices and allows you to go back to sleep when you wake up in the middle of the night with the anguished doubt about death. Those who suffer from a serious illness respond differently to treatment if they have someone or something to love in a deep and passionate way: it is the secret resource in the most dramatic crises when the darkness does not seem to dissolve.
Living with the nourishment of love is part of us: this is why sometimes it is difficult to decide. We desperately want to believe that the endurance of violence, humiliation and fear has the strong reason for the presence of love: the alternation of cruel behavior and gentle approaches induces a very dangerous addiction. When a dialogue is established with a woman whose Tom Thumb crumbs have revealed her discomfort, I am ready to hear that the man she should escape from is stressed and hasn’t known the right way to demonstrate love. “It’s his way, he’s not bad but lately he hasn’t been doing well.” Ultimately it’s her fault: she let slip a few sentences or a delay when returning home, she didn’t understand that the moment was wrong and she should have kept quiet without causing trouble. Because in any case there is love, and if he is possessive and behaves badly it is because he protects: possessing her is a sign of love, howling out of jealousy is a manifestation of eros, demanding that she has no autonomy is evidence of the exclusivity of the relationship . Over time she has changed her clothing, words and direction of gaze: she is the filter, an omnipresent censor even when she enters my studio alone.

Love is the reason, the need to love and feel loved: it is beautiful until it turns into the most tragic of prisons. Over the years I think I have seen every type of situation, since decades ago when my father, a general practitioner, returned from a home visit saying that he had had to draw up a natural death certificate for a woman who according to him had been killed by husband: he didn’t have proof, but he was sure of it. He had called the Carabinieri, but nothing specific had been found. He explained to me how that husband might have acted and added that in the previous months he had tried in every way to convince the woman to leave, but the answer had always been the same: “At my age, how could I find another man? Deep down he loves me.”
We might ask ourselves what need a woman has to stay with a man who does everything except love her: from the outside it is very clear that it is not about love, not even in a fraction of a second of that relationship. The problem is to creep into the microscopic space of doubt that the victims allow through the armor they have built around their own suffering: it is not enough to try to shake them by amplifying the fear, it is very little use trying to open their eyes to the absolute absence of love. They run away from those who try to help them for dozens of reasons, forgetting the only valid one: true love for themselves. And it’s not a fault: violence takes away the desire to love one another, it becomes entrenched in the belief that one is worth little, and leads to unprecedented extremes such as gratitude towards the executioners because they are faithful and never leave.
Violence that takes advantage of the desire for love is the worst face of the human being. The education of the first years of life should include the full, nourishing, absolute emotional experience of what love is, a compulsory education that then prevents having confused ideas about its unhealthy surrogates.

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The author
Giovanna M. Gatti is a medical psychotherapist and writer. She is a specialist in Psychotherapy, General Surgery and Radiotherapy, with a Master’s degree in Senology. You have studied numerous integrated medicine techniques and have been dealing with the psychophysical health of women for years; she combines her long experience in female oncology in an international center of excellence (IEO in Milan) with a profound psychotherapeutic interest in female affirmation, relationships, fulfillment and identity. Under the pseudonym of MariaGiovanna Luini she is the author of numerous books and film screenplay consultant. In the book “La Via della cura” (Mondadori) he outlined his own peculiar therapeutic method that integrates body and mind, in “Il Grande Lucernario” (Mondadori) he recounted his life and work journey alongside Umberto Veronesi and the discovery of integrated holistic medicine. “Speak as you love” (Mondadori) she focuses on the power of words in care and self-care. On the path of self-exploration he published “I Tarocchi ti narrano” (TEA), and as a psychotherapist he created “I Tarocchi Genziana dell’Inconscio” (VandA.edizioni), 55 cards for the exploration of the unconscious adopted by therapists and therapists in care settings. Screenplay consultant, her most recent collaboration is with Ferzan Ozpetek and Gianni Romoli in the film “Fasten your seatbelts”. You have a very popular podcast: “Holistic Therapies”.