The consequences of childhood bullying can be felt decades later, shows a poignant testimony from Christoff. How can you recover from those scars? ‘Through therapy I can let go more often.’
Not only did his successful, long-standing career as a singer begin for singer Christoff with a participation in the Soundmixshow. In an interview in this newspaper, he testifies that that show also marked the beginning of years of bullying at school. “I was the odd one out there, wasn’t it, because showbiz was immediately linked to homosexuality,” says Christoff in that interview. “Moreover, a Flemish singer who imitated Luc Steeno, he couldn’t help but be gay. As a child it was very, very hard. Every move I made was controlled, for fear that they would think I was into boys.”
The now 46-year-old singer, known for hits such as ‘A star’ and ‘Seven sins’, even sat at home for several months due to bullying and eventually changed schools. And, the singer admits, he still suffers the consequences of that bullying to this day. For example, he still avoids going shopping around four in the afternoon, when school is over.
“When I read the interview, I thought: this is – unfortunately – a typical example of the impact that bullying can have on young people over the years,” says bullying expert Gie Deboutte, chairman of the Flemish Network Choose Color against Bullying.
Those long-term consequences have also been demonstrated in research by the University of Antwerp, Tilburg University and Open University Heerlen, which asked more than a thousand young adults between the ages of 18 and 25 about their experience of bullying. It showed that young people who were bullied often had a less positive self-image and were more anxious when making new social contacts. A major social problem, if you know that one in five Flemish young people indicated in February that they had fallen victim to bullying in the months before.
“Bullying has long-lasting consequences because it affects people at the core of who they are,” says Deboutte. “Although the bullies often just pick a target, the victims get the idea that the bullying behavior really has to do with their personality. They adopt those prejudices or insults from others. These can become scars that will always remain, even with those who have built up good relationships and a successful career years later.”
Also author and The morningcolumnist Saskia de Coster (47) knows that some scars caused by bullying are difficult to remove. She became a victim of bullying when she changed schools at the end of primary school. “I was already an outsider at the girls’ school anyway, because I dressed differently. I was also very eager to learn, argued with teachers and wrote all the time. In the end, my best friend started the harassment.” It so happened that De Coster found silver paper between her sandwiches, or that basketballs were thrown at her head. But the worst, she felt, was feeling like she didn’t exist to her classmates.
Like Christoff, she indicates that this can continue to work today. “On Saturday I was at a party, where I did not know three quarters of the people present. In such situations, I can still easily be overcome by negative thoughts. ‘Did I do something wrong?’ “Did I say something strange?” Even though there is often no reason to.”
After the harassment, De Coster had also started to take a harder line towards outsiders. According to her, therapy helped to distance herself from that. “I often had a tendency to want to be too strong, to show that I could do it all on my own. I could react very harshly at times. Partly due to therapy, I am now more aware of this, and I can let it go more often.”
In other areas, too, people who have been bullied sometimes develop a kind of assertiveness. For example, singer Bent Van Looy already admitted that he initially threw himself into music to take revenge on the bullies in his youth. “Even in the early years of Das Pop, making music was a way to show the bullies that something had become of me. Fortunately, I was able to let go of that and today I really just make art for art,” he said Knack.
Work with the environment
Those who are bullied often look for strategies to mitigate the bullying behaviour. With Christoff, it consisted of self-mockery, with the hope of getting ahead of his bullies. “That can temporarily be a kind of rescue,” says Deboutte. “But of course it does not offer a solution, because you actually go along with the behavior of your bullies, and you confirm to yourself that something is wrong with you.”
He therefore believes that we should not focus on coping mechanisms for the victim – how he or she deals with the problem. “Bullying behavior mainly arises in a toxic environment. It is above all a matter of working on it with the entire environment, from students to students.”
This starts with the development of a solid anti-bullying policy, which is also communicated to students and parents. There should also be clear reporting points where students can go. “But everything stands or falls with the skills of a teacher to be able to read a class and intervene in time in case of problems,” says Deboutte. “The necessary know-how and feeling for the class are indispensable. I am therefore concerned that the current teacher shortage will keep problems under the radar for too long.”
More information about bullying, and what you can do about it, can be found at allesoverpesten.be
2023-05-15 16:54:49
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