The Lifelong Impact of Insecure Attachment: From Childhood to Adulthood

The consequences of an insecure attachment during childhood are not limited only to that stage but are transferred to the adult period. It is a crucial element to which more and more importance is attached.

Laura Estremera just published Create with secure attachment (Ed. Ariel), a manual where he gives the keys to closely accompany the little ones in their daily lives. Hearing and Language teacher, psychologist and Early Care specialist, she tells us in this interview why those first bonds with the baby and the child are so decisive.

You highlight in the book that we live in a fast-paced society where we are constantly looking for new achievements. What bill does this pass on children?

We commonly give importance to some milestones or stages of development without giving the value and importance of each moment of the process. Simply by imagining what happens with a baby we can realize it, it is common to hear “he still doesn’t walk”, “he still doesn’t say words”, “he still doesn’t sleep alone”… instead of giving value to everything that it does, understanding that it is necessary and that it is part of the process.

When this happens, directly or indirectly boys and girls get the message that what they do is not enough, that it is not well and that affects their self-concept and self-esteem.

How can you define the secure attachment you talk about in your work?

Humans are social beings who need to be in interrelation to develop healthily. And if there is a stage in which one person especially needs another, it is childhood because babies are born dependent on the care of adults. Depending on how the adult who is most present in the baby’s life meets his needs, one type of attachment bond or another will be created.

Today we know that when the needs of babies are met (in most cases because it would be impossible to do so in all cases) and it is done with love and respect, a secure bond of attachment is created. This bond gives the child security and confidence in people, in a world that he believes is interesting to explore, and in himself.

In what way does having or not having a secure attachment impact the development of childhood and later adult personality?

In childhood, a secure attachment bond is related to greater autonomy, which may surprise us considering the belief that exists at the social level that a child who is cared for will be more dependent, but the opposite is true.

When a boy or girl grows up feeling that they are competent, they trust the people they have by their side and know that they will help them if they need it, feel enough inner strength to move away to explore the world at a safe distance, returning to ask for help or comfort in the face of life’s unforeseen events.

Secure attachment has also been studied in the treatment of children in the primary education stage. When the bond that they have created since childhood with their reference adult is secure and a partner gets hurt, they show more empathy, worry about him, try to help him or ask an adult for help.

As adults, secure attachment bonding has been linked to greater well-being and mental health.

“With our way of treating children we can be facilitators or, on the contrary, obstacles to development,” you comment in the book. What should we banish in that sense in parenting?

Adults have a series of expectations and desires towards children that, although at first they allow us to bond with them, on many occasions, they prevent us from seeing the real boys and girls in front of us. When these prevent us from seeing the child in front of us, with his own rhythm, desire, tastes, needs… we are not facilitating development.