More than 800,000 people live with the consequences of cancer. Because someone who is cancer-free is not always free of complaints. Brenda (51), whose relationship did not survive the aftermath of cancer, also knows this.
Eva BredaGetty ImagesOctober 27, 2023, 09:00 AM
“And then you are cancer-free. In April 2021 I had my last surgery and all the cancer was removed from my body. That meant no more chemo, no troubled cells, no continuous hospital visits. I was able to get my life back on track. My relationship had been on hold for years due to my illness. Finally we could pick up where we left off. I thought.
What they don’t tell you if you get cancer
There are a lot of things you hear when you get cancer. What type of cancer do you have? Hormonal breast cancer. Which medical path lies ahead of you? A double mastectomy, chemotherapy and anti-hormone therapy. It is not surprising that people often go into survival mode after their diagnosis. There are mainly a lot of practical matters that are discussed. But what no one tells you is what comes next. I was completely unprepared for the aftermath of my illness.
Wife of? I was a patient
But first that disease. So breast cancer. The very fit woman I always was – the ambitious physiotherapist, the avid walker, the outgoing mother and the enterprising partner – was suddenly a cancer patient due to a routine check. For me there was only that: my illness. My partner and I flew from scan to examination to surgery to chemo treatment. While we normally always liked to go out together, we didn’t even think about that now. At home I was lying in bed and couldn’t even get myself a cup of coffee. There was no longer any intimacy. How could I expose myself to a partner if I couldn’t even look at my body after the amputations and my hair loss? But then there was that one moment, that one sentence. “Ma’am, the cancer is now out of your body.” Things would get better from now on.
Residual complaints after cancer
But then comes the part that no one tells you about when you get cancer. Cancer-free does not mean symptom-free. I continued to have pain in my body. A nagging pain in my joints, combined with cramps in my muscles. I was extremely tired and had no feeling in my hands and feet. A control scan showed that it was no longer cancer. These were the residual symptoms of the disease and the treatment. I realize very well that without that treatment I would no longer have been there. But the fact that there is no such thing as being patient-free is a hard blow. I lost my job due to my residual complaints, was rejected and even ended up in poverty because living on my 1,200 euro benefit proved impossible. Why doesn’t anyone prepare you for those after-effects?
We had lost ourselves
And then there was my relationship. My partner and I were very happy that I was better again and that we could pick up the thread. But that wire was nowhere to be found. Whenever we tried to do something together, I would be up after a few minutes. Walking together? Every few meters I sat on a bench. We tried to get along as lovers again, but how do you actually do that when it no longer comes naturally? I remained the patient, he the caring partner who worried about me at my slightest effort. “Stay down, I’ll get it.”
Many former cancer patients encounter misunderstandings about their residual complaints. Those around them often do not realize that former cancer patients are not ‘just better’, leaving no room for the aftermath of this disease. For me it was exactly the other way around. My partner was so caring, sweet and understanding that it almost grabbed my throat at times. I just wanted to make my own coffee. pick myself up. Regaining control over my life. We carefully tried to become intimate with each other again, but that also failed. While I used to prefer to fall asleep in his arms, I rarely snuggled up against him in bed anymore. The woman I once was was in a sick, unattractive shell.
We had conversations about our relationship more and more often. We had been busy with me for so long that we had lost sight of ‘us’, we concluded. And how could we go back to a normal relationship if I continued to be sick? Slowly but surely we realized that we couldn’t continue like this. And eventually we decided to break up.
Grateful
Of course I sometimes think ‘what if’. What if I had simply become the woman I was before the cancer? What if we were prepared for the fact that you continue to have complaints after cancer? Could we have prepared ourselves for a future in which I would always remain somewhat of a patient? Almost no one is aware that former cancer patients continue to have complaints. That’s why I talk a lot with fellow sufferers. They recognize it: the lasting pain, the awkward relationships, the fatigue and the constant fear that your body will let you down again. Although we never complain about that among ourselves. We are especially grateful that we are still here.”
From research by Direct Research It has been found that 2 in 3 Dutch people have someone close to them who has been declared cancer-free, but only half of them discuss how former patients feel after recovery. To draw more attention to the aftermath of cancer, on Friday, October 27 Cancer Friday called in life. More about this initiative, the research and the experience stories of former patients, you can read here.
October 27, 2023
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2023-10-27 07:00:00
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