The Harmful Effects of Overindulging: How Parents Sabotage their Child’s Self-Confidence

“Have no self-confidence”: With this well-intentioned parenting behavior, parents harm their children

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They want to raise happy, successful children – and achieve the opposite: educational scientist and psychologist Beate Letschert-Grabbe warns parents against an upbringing style that restricts children in their development.

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Most parents who accompany their children in a way that is oriented towards attachment and needs are familiar with the accusation: You spoil your child! Many modern parents have simply understood that a crying baby does not try to manipulate them, but can not yet express their needs in any other way. They know that their child needs the closeness and attention of their closest attachment figures in order to be able to develop well. Older generations often mistake this parental behavior for indulgence, advise more harshness or “just let them scream”. When it comes to this kind of pampering, parents can safely ignore it.

In fact, there is also bad spoiling of children. One that usually feels good and right for the parents – but which can damage the child’s development in the long run.

Beate Letschert-Grabbe ran a primary school in Schleswig-Holstein, taught educational science at the University of Hamburg and advises families, children and young people. She explains the moments in which spoiling as a parenting behavior can be harmful and what children really need from their parents.

Ms. Letschert-Grabbe, the word “pampering” actually sounds positive to most people – for parents it may even be something that they consciously allow their child to do. What’s the problem with that?

Beate Letschert-Grabbe: Not everything is problematic. Of course, parents can spoil their children from time to time, precisely because, as you say, they consciously want to do something good for them. Most parents love their children and like to spoil them. The kids love it and enjoy it too. But that is not what is meant here. It becomes problematic – and that is what is meant – when spoiling becomes a general educational attitude, that is, when the parents want to spare their child as much effort and inconvenience as possible and relieve him of things that he could actually do himself. In short: if you get the difficulties out of his way. This kind of pampering signals to the child that they are not trusted, that they are underestimated. And that’s discouraging.

What do you mean? Can you give examples?

Letschert-Grabbe: A small child that just flops down and is immediately put back on its feet by its parents does not have the valuable and encouraging experience that it could help itself and get up again. A child for whom I keep tying the bow does not learn to tie the bow himself and feels inferior to children who can. It’s also getting slower than this. A child on whom I put the hat, tie the scarf and close the anorak does not learn to do it himself. Or, as can often be observed when starting school: parents who carry their child’s satchel and even their school cone. The child learns: I will start school, I am a school child now, but mum and dad are responsible.

Parents who spoil their child in this way probably mean well, but they take more from their child than they give. Basically, they harm him. Pampering is a form of neglect.

About Beate Letschert-Grabbe

dr phil. Beate Letschert-Grabbe ran a primary school in Schleswig-Holstein and taught educational science at the University of Hamburg. She is an individual psychological counselor and supervisor (DGIP), advises children, young people and families and provides further training for teachers on educational topics. Her book “The Overlooked Child – When ‘Super!’ too little and spoiling is neglecting” was published by Beltz Juventa in 2020.

Pampering and Neglect? That sounds more like opposite extremes!

Letschert-Grabbe: Yes, for now. But when we spoil our children and spare them from dealing with life’s challenges, we are neglecting the development of their skills. The children do not learn that they could or could learn what we are doing for them. We have to be clear: Everything that we take from a child, it cannot learn. Therein lies the neglect. We block important learning opportunities for the children, and that means: The children not only miss out on learning opportunities, but also the associated development opportunities. You can’t grow from it.

What effects can this form of pampering have on a child?

Letschert-Grabbe: Mostly that it feels small – So in the situation in which it is being spoiled, initially fine, but later, without its parents, when it is on its own, small, dependent, dependent, helpless. Above all, spoiled children lack self-confidence. After all, they are untrained in dealing with things that are uncomfortable or strenuous, which means they have little experience in overcoming difficulties. Consequently, there is also no sense of achievement. There is a lack of awareness of being able to achieve something and achieve a goal with one’s own effort. That’s why they don’t know how to be satisfied with themselves or even proud of themselves. My impression, including from conversations with children, is that spoiled children feel inferior to the others. They are particularly sensitive and feel attacked quickly. And above all, they are not self-confident. Of course, that’s what the parents want.

Book tip (ad)

“The Overlooked Kid – When ‘Great!’ too little and spoiling is neglect” by Beate Letschert-Grabbe

Do spoiled children have it harder in everyday school life?

Letschert-Grabbe: Yes, absolutely, and it is not always easy for teachers and educators to deal with spoiled children, because they tend to refuse work and avoid all efforts. The children don’t trust themselves and end up in a kind of vicious circle. They can hardly draw on positive learning experiences and coping strategies and are understandably not motivated to work. However, the willingness to learn and make an effort is part of a successful performance. However, these children largely lack this.

Something else makes things even more difficult: Parents who spoil their child want the best for their child, which means that they should of course also do well at school. But spoiled children find themselves in a balancing act: On the one hand, many parents continue to uphold their performance standards, but on the other hand, they want to spare the child the effort and difficulties. It’s like wanting to demand top performance from an athlete, but not expecting him to do the necessary training because it could be too strenuous for him – along the lines of: stay small and achieve great things! That doesn’t work, and the children get into trouble with this contradictory upbringing attitude.

And how are the kids doing with it? How do you deal with that?

Letschert-Grabbe: On the one hand, I often experience that children are about to throw everything away. They are not motivated, have the impression that they cannot keep up and cannot contribute much. Then they avoid the community of the class, feel alien and uncomfortable. Some give up and would like to leave. Since school does not give them the privileges they are used to at home, they also find it difficult to cope with school. A child who does not get the special rights they are used to feels disadvantaged and neglected without the special rights. That is downright logical. On the other hand, the children try to hide the feeling of inferiority or inability. Like all other children, they also have a need for attention, and that is why they often try to be the focus of attention with all means – including negative means.

How are the parents who come to you for counseling?

Letschert-Grabbe: Frequently they are pretty desperate. It is therefore important that they feel understood during the conversation and that they are encouraged. You have to remember that the parents mean well and want a happy, self-confident child. And then they realize that their way of raising children does not lead to the hoped-for success, that their child is not satisfied and balanced, but bossy and demanding, and that academic success is not forthcoming. This is of course frustrating. Parents are sometimes just as discouraged as their child. They need help and first of all have to recognize that they are spoiling their child.

More background on education

How do you help the parents?

Letschert-Grabbe: The first thing we do is see where they succeed. Most parents are not aware of this. They are more fixated on failure. We recently had a situation where the mother reported that her seven-year-old daughter was fidgeting around at the table the whole time during dinner. The mother repeatedly asked her to sit still, but the child continued to jump until a glass of orange juice tipped over. The mother went into the kitchen, came back with a rag and wordlessly pressed it into her daughter’s hand. Apparently that was so clear and convincing and the child so taken aback that it wiped everything away without hesitation. Spoiling would have been to scold at first, but then do everything yourself.

We then work extensively on such situations, and they always exist, sometimes more, sometimes less. This gives the parents the feeling that they are not doing everything wrong and they often recognize the places where they are spoiling their child. To look closely here and to differentiate – also to think about it: what exactly does my child learn from my behavior? – that helps the parents. And sometimes we rearrange things: A father takes his son to school. He has slung his school bag over his shoulder and is looking at his cell phone. The son trudges behind him in silence. What does “rearrange” mean? It means: the boy carries the satchel, the mobile phone stays in his pocket, and father and son talk to each other. Correcting such situations virtually and then in everyday life is a help for many parents.

2023-08-21 12:35:55
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