There is something undeniably appealing about agony aunt columns – the opportunity to read about people’s intimate dilemmas and judge their situations, all from the safety of anonymity. However, one recent column in the New York Times Magazine gained widespread attention beyond the usual readership, as it went viral on social media and was even covered by CNN.
The crux of the issue? A woman wrote in to ask for advice on how to deal with her husband, who had booked himself first-class seats on a family vacation while leaving her and their two children to fly economy. His justification? The cost of the seats. The woman, understandably, felt that this wasn’t fair, and wanted to know if she was in the wrong for feeling upset.
And the response from readers, both on the official column and on social media, was swift and unanimous: no, she was not in the wrong. In fact, many commenters took things further and advised her to leave her husband entirely. It was a textbook example of how newspaper advice columns can provoke strong reactions and elicit unbridled opinions from readers.
So why are people so fascinated by other people’s problems? As columnist Lily Canter notes, it’s often because it allows us to avoid our own issues. By focusing on someone else’s drama, we can avoid confronting our own failings, whether it’s a bad relationship, job dissatisfaction, or addiction. And when we do find ourselves seeking advice – as the woman in the column did – we may already know the answer deep down, but need a stranger’s validation or permission to act.
As Canter writes, “Newspaper advice columns are the grown-up version of drunk strangers in the women’s pub toilets, who tell you to ditch your fella because yet again you’re crying on a night out.” They offer a space for people to vent and receive affirmation, without the fear of judgment or shame.
However, there is a sense that we aren’t always so supportive of people in unhappy relationships. As Canter notes, we tend to offer condolences or sympathy when we hear about breakups or divorces, rather than celebration or relief that the person has left a bad situation. We often assume that people should try to stick things out and make it work, even if the signs point to the contrary.
But perhaps it’s time to shift our thinking. As Canter writes, “Maybe it’s for the best that I’m not an agony aunt – my answer to every unhappy relationship question would probably be ‘leave them.’ You’ll have to find me in the pub bathroom for that advice instead.” We should aim to be more supportive and celebratory when people make the difficult decision to leave a bad relationship, rather than assuming that they should keep trying to make it work.
In the end, the fascination with other people’s problems may be less about the drama itself, and more about the sense of community and validation it can offer. When someone writes in with a problem, they are seeking guidance and support from strangers who have no vested interest in the situation. And in providing that support, we may also be offering a sense of catharsis and relief – for ourselves as well as for the person asking for advice.
