The Dangers of Unqualified Mediators in Divorce Cases

“My head was absolutely no longer functioning at that time,” she looks back on the conversations with the mediator. Bearing in mind that life no longer makes sense to her, she sits down at the table with the idea of ​​giving everything away. House, car, she doesn’t care. As long as her son gets it right.

“In retrospect, I think: the mediator should have intervened there. He should have said: “Halt, something is not going well here. We’re putting things on hold for two months.” But that doesn’t happen, everything is noted down. And what is noted down turns out to be of little value in retrospect because it isn’t put down on paper in sufficient detail.

“I am not allowed to give any concrete examples of this, because such a divorce agreement has a duty of confidentiality,” explains Stellingwerf. But it simply comes down to the fact that Stellingwerf has lost everything, really everything.

According to Stellingwerf, not only the mediator should have intervened, but the lawyer who then reads through the covenant and forwards it to the court should also have entered into a conversation with the Hoogeveen. This also did not happen.

“I have often seen covenants that raised my eyebrows,” says lawyer and divorce mediator Marjet Heeg. “They could and should have been drawn up differently with good guidance. And in practice that results in cases where we have to clear the rubble.” In a number of cases you can still restore a covenant.

What Stellingwerf – and many other people – did not know: anyone can call themselves a mediator without training or a quality mark. So a free profession. “The question is whether that is desirable,” says lawyer Heeg. According to her, there are mediators who gather their knowledge in other ways, but who still have too little knowledge for complex divorces.

She herself followed several training courses to become a mediator. “What I learned there: if you are in a divorce, it is one of the worst things that can happen to you. Then the question is whether you can make clear decisions.” According to Heeg, it is important that a mediator is knowledgeable and knows how to guide those people.

“For example, are people really ready for a divorce? Are they making the right decisions? And then it can be important that you use the right interventions to ensure that people can get a good divorce,” says Heeg.

According to Heeg, a mandatory quality mark can make sense: “But only if the legal substantive knowledge is worked on. Because that is important in a divorce. But you certainly pick out a few bad apples.” The MFN register already exists at the moment, and mediators who are registered there have followed compulsory basic training.

Heeg also emphasizes that couples who are getting divorced should be well informed about the possibilities. “Online you will find plenty of providers with whom it seems very cheap at first, but if the case does get complicated, the counter will start running. There are plenty of specialist associations for mediators, get information there.”

Stellingwerf’s anger is not necessarily directed only at her own mediator. “He may not even have had bad intentions,” explains Stellingwerf. She is especially angry about the simple fact that anyone can just call themselves a mediator.

“Isn’t that incomprehensible? While you can cause so much damage to someone,” she continues. She wants mediators to be obliged to register with a register, because then you can blame them for mistakes.

In addition, Stellingwerf is also angry with the lawyer who checked the agreement after consultation with the mediator. According to the Hoogeveense, that person should also have set off alarm bells when reading the text. “I was not even able to make a cup of coffee at the time, and yet they made me sign it,” she recalls drawing up the covenant.

Such a lawyer is also obliged to talk to the divorcing couple. “But I’ve never seen a lawyer,” says Stellingwerf. “I even wonder if she read it at all.”

She lost everything, but slowly she’s getting back on her feet. With the help of a large network, dear friends and family, she finds a place to live. She also gets furniture and other items from every nook and cranny to make her house a little bit of a home.

“That this situation almost cost me my life, that is really one thing. I still struggle with that every day. It is still surviving every day,” Stellingwerf admits. The people involved in her divorce have made her feel like she doesn’t matter. “I’m not worth it, they created that feeling.”

Now she looks in the mirror every morning to say to herself, “You’re worth it, Kim.”