The Challenges of Being Married to a Much Older Man: Navigating Life Stages and Aging Differences

It used to be no problem that Jonna’s husband (53) is 23 years older than her, but now there are big differences between them. “Your husband is not old overnight, it is gradual.”

“Our life stages couldn’t have been further apart at the moment. Jack has been retired for years, I am working on building my own business. He is grandpa, I am happy when our studying children go out again after the weekend so that I can have some rest. Physically, my husband has become more rickety and stiff. He no longer has a trained figure, he is quite the size. When Jack’s brother suddenly died of a heart attack six years ago, I was terrified. Our children were still relatively young, this was really not the time to miss their father already. That’s the big disadvantage of being married to a much older man. Chances are he will die sooner. He now has a new hip and a new heart valve. Where our age difference used to never get in the way, it’s now becoming painfully clear that he’s arrived at the last stretch of his life and I’m still in the middle of it.

He’s such a special man

‘Holy shit’, I used to say when I saw old men with a much younger woman. Find a partner your own age, I thought. When I met Jack on a birthday, we immediately had a very profound conversation. I could see that he was older than me, but I hadn’t estimated him that old. He thought I looked much more mature than the 30 years I was then, so he was shocked when I told him that. “He could have been your father,” my friends said when I showed up with my 53-year-old boyfriend. Jack was divorced, his son and daughter lived with him on weekends. I didn’t find that a problem at all. Jack is a special man and I was sure I wanted to be with him. My mom always said she didn’t care who I came home with as long as I was happy. When it turned out to be a man 23 years older, she had to swallow. She said nothing about it, but at the time she occasionally inquired whether it was still on. “Oh,” she would reply, in a slightly disappointed tone.

A second leg for him

When we were together for two years, I wanted to be a mother. We talked about that very well. “I could be in a wheelchair tomorrow,” Jack said. I myself ignored all possible objections, in fact I stuck my head in the sand for it. I said to a friend, “I don’t care how it all turns out, it’s all worth it to me.” Fairly soon after each other we had our two sons: Bas and Jelle. It was nice that Jack had a good job that allowed me to dedicate some time to motherhood. As soon as Jack got home, he still had enough energy to play with the kids and cook me a nice meal when it suited me.

Humor helps a lot

I couldn’t tell that Jack was an older man. Except when he talked about his younger years, the big differences stood out: the time he lived as a squatter in The Hague, hitchhiked on holiday and drove a car without a driver’s license. When I think back to the beginning of our relationship, his age actually had more advantages. Where I saw friends around me bickering with their partners or just downright fighting with each other over things that are too childish for words, Jack has always been very relaxed. He didn’t have to prove himself anymore; not to me and not to the outside world. He had experienced everything before and was therefore able to put things into perspective and to oversee things from a calm perspective. That helped me too, because the outside world is always ready to judge. When Jack tells a man that his wife is twenty years younger, a thumbs up. When I say that I have a man twenty years older, people look surprised. That’s weird isn’t it? I often joke afterwards: ‘He’s very rich!’ Humor helps a lot. When we are out with our children and grandchild, I don’t even see the looks on the street anymore.

Suddenly he grew old

Everything changed during the corona time. Jack has severe asthma, so suddenly the whole family went into home quarantine and no one came to see us anymore. Fear also struck: what if Jack got corona? Fortunately, that fear is a thing of the past, but the difference between us has become apparent since that period. Every summer we went camping, hiking and biking. It is now clear that he gets tired much faster and also dreads camping and the lack of comfort. Well, we always do that, I think. Your husband is not old overnight, it happens gradually. ‘Jack, get in shape,’ I say regularly. At work I am working on a project aimed at the elderly, over 70s. Oh yes, those are Jack’s peers, I suddenly realize. Or when others hear that my husband has retired. ‘So, early retirement?’, they ask. Jack has his grandfather’s day once a week. I was also asked if I would like to babysit for a morning. I love our grandchild, but I don’t want a grandma’s day. I’m happy if I have a house without children and can schedule a free morning. Those are quite different life stages in one family.

Afraid of the decline

Fortunately, what we still share is that we are still on the dance floor every now and then. I am sometimes ashamed to see his shortcomings that come with his age, for I feel that his love for me is unconditional. He’s behind me and next to me. You won’t hear him say ‘it’s not going to work out’ now that I’m starting my own company. He helps and supports me. Friends around me lead a much more relaxed life. Every night on the couch with their man, that’s it. Jack and I go to the cafe together, to the sauna, we play a game. This is what I want to pass on to our children: being able to be yourself, feeling free, being connected to each other: that’s what love is all about. His fast-approaching end worries me, and I’m also afraid of his possible deterioration. No one knows how much longer it will be given to us together in this way.”