“In France, we don’t have oil, but we have ideas,” said the slogan in the 1970s. Fifty years later, we still have no oil. But we have a virus. And ideas often eccentric, absurd, even aberrant, to manage the crisis… or to pretend! Small anthology of bursts of genius from our elites, in this beautiful time of pandemic and communication.
Take off the masks!
Mars 2020. The epidemic is exploding. It spreads through the respiratory tract. A 10-cent mask is enough to stop the virus. It would obviously be necessary to equip all the French. Problem? Masks, we no longer have them, for two reasons. The first: the country has closed its factories, counting on China to take over. As if the health of the French was the priority of the Chinese. The second: in 2013, the Ministry of Health decided not to renew its strategic stock, relying on a reserve of 750 million masks… of which 650 million have expired. The big dumpling! But, rather than admitting the blunder, the State chooses the “superbla-bla” mode. The government spokesperson explains that anyway, “wearing a mask is too technicalTo be generalized. The Prime Minister, that its benefit is not proven, and that its misuse would increase the health risk. As for the Minister Delegate in charge of industry, she says that everyone wearing a mask is “a fantasy”! Congratulations to all ! A year later, the masks are available, mandatory, we all have one on our noses and the same officials explain to us knowingly that while waiting for the vaccine, it is our best weapon to get us out of this quagmire. No kidding ?
Contamination Laboratories
Chonor obid also with screening tests. From the outset, everyone understands that they will be the key tool in spotting the sick, especially asymptomatic, and putting them aside. Only these damn tests, France, the flagship
of global medicine, is unable to produce and distribute them. The queues are getting longer in front of the analysis laboratories, as in the good days of rationing. Crowded on the sidewalks or in the reception halls, people pass the virus on to each other (that was not really the goal). Then the State decides: to decongest, the tests will now be reserved for priority cases! Understand: to people who are (almost) sure they are already sick. And for which, in the end, the result matters little, since we already know it! Meanwhile, the epidemic is galloping in the streets, and getting out of control … Next time, we will put the obese on scales to find out if they are overweight.
The magic app that flops
En tracking our movements to report any risky contact, the StopCovid application was supposed to save us from the virus. On paper, she was infallible. For lawyers, it ensured data security. The enthusiastic government was already seeing it on all smartphones. Except that the French did not want it: already pursued by the virus, they did not want, in addition, to be hunted down by the State! Result: 3% of French people downloaded the application, while it would have taken 40% (at least) for it to be useful. After three weeks of use, the results are sensational: StopCovid has warned… 14 people! Hooray! But we do not change an idea that is messy, so, in offices full of gray matter, we quickly imagine the solution: rename the application “TousAntiCovid”, and try to sell it again, passing it off as a great -novelty. Conclusion: well, still a flop. Let us recall in passing that the Covid is particularly dangerous for those over 70, the majority of whom do not have a smartphone.
English diploma, virology options
Lhe examination house in Arcueil, in the southern suburbs of Paris, is a gigantic building on eight levels where, as its name suggests, students from many fields come to take their exams. Very clearly: the perfect source of contamination in times of pandemic. A place to close urgently! This April 2, 2021, however, hundreds of students in BTS of English mass in the corridors.
– It’s very simple, explains a candidate, we were told that in the event of absence we would be eliminated!
As a result, even those who knew they were ill – at least two cases – made the trip so as not to lose their year. And this despite a petition of 53,000 signatures demanding continuous control! But the interacademic service of examinations and competitions assumes:
– We have placed posters to remind people of the barrier gestures, we gargle in high places, and asked the guards to disperse the crowds on the stairs!
– Anything, sighs a student! In my room, there were over a hundred candidates and only one pen to sign the attendance list.
Sensing the youth slightly irritated, the ministry has since chosen to stroke the students the right way, promising them the end
of their depressing isolation. College classes can resume face-to-face… from mid-May. Great ! With one tiny detail: mid-May, the university years are over. But after all, what matters is to trace perspectives!
Culture broth
The national curfew requires the French to return home at a fixed time. A measure supposed to dissuade good citizens from chatting or, worse, having a drink with friends when leaving work. Except that there is a slight problem. This same curfew prevents the spread of travel on public transport. To be home on time, everyone takes the buses and subways at the same time.
which generates incredible crowds. To sum up, to prevent contaminating gatherings, the curfew… creates some! It’s logic. “In the departments that have experienced the curfew, the result is overall negative», Confirms today Serge Blondel, specialist in the evaluation of public policies. Maybe it would have been better to evaluate the device… before. For example, by asking for advice from a fifth grade class.
I, the undersigned, authorize myself to do what I want!
Pamid the great administrative successes generated by this pandemic, an ojni – unidentified legal object: the certificate that one delivers oneself to oneself to allow oneself to leave! An incomprehensible document, without any legal value and so badly designed that, since last March, the administrative courts have been forced to rectify it … 36 times! Since when do we allow ourselves to do what is forbidden? Foreign observers still laugh about it. The Golden Cobide returns to the document produced by the administration for the third confinement, with around forty odd sub-sections and whose brilliant career lasted less than twenty-four hours. But, behind the gas plant, we all the same ended up understanding the principle of this piece of paper: since last year, those who had forgotten it at home have kindly paid the State 297 million dollars. euros fine!
The virus that drives you crazy
France waited weeks to allow veterinarians to vaccinate. But she finally decided to open this possibility, on one condition however: that the veterinarian stings under the supervision of a doctor. Has anyone understood the point?
• « Test yourself ! Test yourself !“, they said. In the meantime, supermarkets are still prohibited from selling saliva self-tests, yet reliable, without any danger (you have to spit in a tube), less restrictive and ten times cheaper than the PCR test. It’s hard to understand what’s stuck. But we can imagine that the sub-committee for reflection will soon give the green light for the question to be studied by the advisory committee, which can then send the file to the sub-directorate for the evaluation of perhaps, which itself will make a decision by August 2030.
• After having explained to us at length that the vaccinodromes were useless, the State is deploying them. A great idea! But now that the first centers have opened, thousands of immunization windows are lost all day long. The first reason is that no volunteers show up. The second is that, during this time, the State continues to prohibit vaccination to those under 55 years old “not priority”, who would however be very happy to be entitled to it! “The rule is the same for everyone”, if we summarize. And, what is important (more than vaccinating) is to apply the rule. Ah but!
A survey of Julia friend
