“Surviving Russian Captivity: Valeria Subotina’s Story of Strength and Hope”

Among the Ukrainians released on April 10 from Russian captivity was the defender of Azovstal Valeria Subotina (Karpilenko) with the call sign Nava. Valeria is a poet from Mariupol, in 2015 she went to serve in the press service of the Azov regiment. Later, she became a press officer in the Donetsk border detachment. Already at Azovstal, Valeria married a border guard Andrei Subotin. Her husband died two days later. Valeria herself was captured and spent 327 days there. Valeria Subotina (Karpilenko) spoke about all this in an interview with Present Time.

You’ve been out for two weeks now. What right now do you have feelings when you walk through the rather peaceful Kyiv?

– Yes, we constantly dreamed about this day – the day of liberation. We thought that we would recover in a day or two, buy ourselves, put ourselves in order and be ready to get back on track. Now you understand that we just stopped being afraid in the morning. We have just begun to understand where we are. We stopped waking up thinking we were still in the cell. Now, when I walk around Kyiv, I constantly get goosebumps. Goosebumps run from the fact that I see a free Ukrainian sky. It is no longer in the box. It is no longer closed. While you see only the bars from the cell, you see only a “thorn”, a concrete wall and one green leaf that has crawled out. And you don’t know if you’ll see something else this year. And now you see it all. And you are just overwhelmed with emotions.

– As soon as you came out, you immediately got the “Steel” tattoo. Why was it important to you?

– Because we survived not only captivity, but everything that happened before. Because we keep on fighting. When I walked bent over, I had to walk like that for almost a year, they told me: “Well, Ukraine cannot be bent?” And I said: “No, Ukraine cannot be broken.” Because we are really steel. And not only we, but all Ukrainians who are fighting for Ukraine.

“I was not afraid of death, this is what could get rid of suffering”

How would you describe one day in captivity?

– I would say that this is all the time, it was like one day. It is the constant expectation of life. We constantly talked about the fact that we stayed at Azovstal, we did not return from there. We died there with boys and girls. Our souls stayed there with them. And now I would say that we have not returned from captivity. Because until all of our people return, we also remain there. No matter how hard we try to live a full life these two weeks, we will not live a full life.

– In Russian captivity, there is a lot of pressure, both psychological and physical, on Ukrainian prisoners of war. I know that the Ukrainian prisoners of war who come out do not talk about it so as not to harm those who are still in captivity. But I’ll ask you: where did you get the strength and what gave you the strength to endure 327 days of captivity?

– I would say this: the Russians could no longer take anything from me. They took everything from me. All this was my husband Andrei, who died at Azovstal, whom I love madly. I can’t talk about him in the past tense, for me he exists. And it will exist. They took it from me, they took my house from me. And this gave me the understanding that they would not do worse to me in any way.

I wasn’t afraid of death at all. Because death is what could put me out of my misery. This is what could bring me closer to him. And in captivity, the strength to survive was given by the fact that I would have to meet with his parents. And this understanding gave strength to survive, gave strength to fight, gave strength to wait for this exchange.

If only I knew a little more truth that my grandmother, who raised me (I have no parents), died in the occupation, that my husband’s body was not given away, that they couldn’t bury him, and I can’t come to his grave. Probably, it would have broken me a little, but I knew that I had to return to them (my husband’s parents – ed.), that they were waiting for me here. This is what gave me strength.

– What was missing most of all in captivity? What were you thinking, dreaming about?

“Nava”

– There were not enough such banal and not banal things. When it was New Year’s… We had very tight bars on the windows. Only my hand got through there, and I painted a Christmas tree for the New Year. Then, when spring came, I also crawled through with my hand. And she drew three tulips by hand for Vita and me. We rejoiced and rejoiced at them.

And such dreams come true – to touch the petals of flowers, to touch the trees, to hear normally how the birds sing. I think we should not forget. Our trident – the word “will” is encrypted there. He’s stuffed with me. He was constantly with me. I looked at him, read this word in it. And I thought that my will was with me. I would say that, being in Russia, we were the freest people there, despite the fact that we were in captivity.

“There were people around who killed my husband. I don’t want them to see my tears”

– What important dates for you coincided with captivity?

– Our birthdays with Andryusha were in captivity. It is interesting that he has July 20, and I have the 19th. At that time we were in Olenovka. And on his birthday, we remembered him. They sang songs and talked about him. And on my birthday, the girls also surprised me. They baked what they could at the bakery. We didn’t have sugar, but they added sweet tea to bake some buns and congratulate me on my birthday.

An important date for Andrey and me is coming soon – May 5th. We got married at Azovstal. And we will celebrate in our own way. He dreamed of seeing me in a white dress. I didn’t have it at Azovstal. I will have a dress. I don’t know, it will be strange for someone, but I constantly dreamed of him in Taganrog. I dreamed of him at the destroyed Azovstal. He said: “I’m here with the guys, I’m fine. But why don’t you buy yourself a white dress?” Now there is a place to get it. And he should see me from there in it. I still talk to him, looking at the sky. And I still believe that he will return. In captivity, it was hard to comprehend his death. It was very hard.

I understand what else was holding me captive … The video that we recorded. I haven’t watched it yet, I don’t even remember what I said there. I talked about my pain, but I talked so little about him. About the fact that he is a real hero. Hero of Ukraine. And in captivity, I thought that I should come out and say this. About the fact that he helped in the evacuation of the wounded. About the fact that he found one of the bunkers where the children were and was looking for food for them. He did a lot as a Ukrainian officer. I’m proud of them. That’s what I had to say in that video.

Did you allow yourself to cry there?

“I still can’t cry. I am now talking to you about things that, among other things, make me incredibly hurt. And it was painful, and scary, and sad. There were people around who killed my husband. Because each of them is guilty of his death, of the death of peaceful people. In fact, they are to blame for everything that happened. No, I don’t want them to see my tears. Even now. We had blind spots in the cell where my girlfriend could hug me and we could give vent to our grief a little bit. And now we try not to cry. While we live in the struggle for those who are still there, and against those who are trying to take something else from us. Although, what else…

I told Vita (my friend, with whom I was in the same cell – ed.), that perhaps we should somehow separate, I should go alone so that she would not answer for me. But she constantly said that we should be close, that we should support each other. She said: “I won’t go without you, I’d rather sit with you as long as it takes, in this prison, but we’ll go out together.” Yesterday I said: “Vita, well, just imagine what an unrealistic desire it was!” But we really got out together.

“Nava” hugging her friend Vita. Both were in Russian captivity

– What did the Russians tell you, what kind of information space did you have in the colony, in Olenovka? What did they tell you about Ukraine? Have you been there in an information vacuum?

– You know almost nothing about what is happening in Ukraine, what is happening with your loved ones. We worried about whether there was food here, how many people died, how many are dying now, whether there is a normal life here at all. The worst thing is that we did not know how many people remained in captivity. We did not know that there were about 700 “Azov”, we hoped that we would meet them all when we arrived. And all that I want to talk about now, except for my pain, except for the dead heroes, is about those who remained there. They need to be returned. Because until they return, we will not be able to live normally. We ourselves psychologically will not be able to return from there. Because everything that we experienced there, they continue to experience it every day, every minute and second.

Valeria Subotina (Karpilenko), “Nava”

For some time I was alone in the cell. And in that cell there was such an inscription on the wall, which really meant a lot to us. But I’m sure one of ours wrote it. Caption: “Suffer with dignity.” And this is just the answer about both tears and endurance. It was important for me to even suffer with dignity. Therefore, even in captivity, this statement: “Suffer with dignity” was one of my slogans in life at that time. And others, probably, were the words of Lesya Ukrainka: “In order not to cry, I laughed.” It sounds strange, but I laughed a lot and there, which they did not understand. Perhaps someone does not understand even now when I post photos in which I am always smiling. I write about some painful moments, I talk about them, but I almost always smile. Because it’s not about fear, but about struggle. About the inner strength of not only mine, but also others. Because our people are looking at me. Both here and there. Therefore, I must live with dignity for the sake of all of them.