The musician couple Māra Upmane-Holstein and Jānis Holstein-Upmanis have been happily married for more than ten years and are raising three children.
Mara Upman-Holstein is expecting her third child
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At a time when the world was hit by the Covid-19 pandemic, the artist’s family had to experience a severe blow. Four-year-old son Ezra Klav was diagnosed with the disease. The diagnosis is leukemia. “21. I will always remember July. That morning I drove to the recording in Cēsis in a slightly positive state of excitement, and I had no idea that such an inspiring day would start one of the hardest stages in my life,” writes Māra, who was called by the doctor while driving and told the bad news. “A few days ago, we did blood tests on my son. I illegally pick up the phone while driving. At the words “I consulted with my colleagues”, my hands start to tremble. From now on, I associate the Cēsi concert hall only with this day, when everything turned upside down. And when I got there again a year later, opening the door, I couldn’t help myself – the streams of tears surprised me in an instant.”
“No matter how absurd the idea of writing something similar to an autobiography before the age of 40 seemed at first, in a chain of random situations I started playing with the concept of a “book”, because I had been writing down a diary and reflections on the course of creative processes for years. But later I realized – this is exactly the kind of book I should have read when I was young. I believe that it will also be useful for others who are looking for themselves in the creative industries,” said Māra. (Photo: Publicity)
Disease does not discriminate
“There are situations that you’re sure only happen in movies or only with others. Amazing vanity. It seems to me that it was an absurd notion that children’s hospitals are mostly occupied by parents who come from socially disadvantaged backgrounds, who have had problems with alcoholism or other addictions, and who do not pay attention to children. For a moment it occurred to me that what was happening was a mistake, because we are cool, we are musicians, we are recognizable, outside of everyday life! It can’t happen to us!” Mara remembers. “In desperation, various illogical thoughts came to mind, but I caught this one with amazement and a bit of shame. I had to admit that I am still used to being in a slightly more privileged situation. I can often get myself out of trouble with a smile and a kind word. But illness and hospital do not separate anyone. And no one is spared. All are equal. It was hard for me to digest. I also vividly remember the second morning after arriving at the oncology department. When I woke up and opened my eyes, I didn’t realize where I was for half a second. I thought for a moment – madness, what a terrible dream I saw!… And then, as if with a dagger in the heart, reality stabbed me for the second time – this is happening in reality. You are in the hospital. Your child has a diagnosis: leukemia.”
Mara thanks the doctors for making the right diagnosis so quickly, because it meant that therapy was started immediately: “Actually, it took exactly one week from the blood tests to start chemotherapy and administer the first dose of medicine. And the smooth process certainly helped and facilitated the recovery.”
“On that day, all the information came crashing down on my head at an abnormal pace: we are sitting in the new ward in the hemato-oncology department, and I understand that we have to make a decision almost immediately, whether we will start chemotherapy tonight. I tell the doctor that I don’t even know if I believe in chemotherapy. And she replies: “But what other possibilities are there anyway?” And not really anymore. The price of the risk with any alternative approach is too expensive for me to be ready to experiment with the child’s life,” recalls Mara’s thoughts at the time, for whom it was proposed to treat the child in Germany, and anti-cancer drugs brought from Tibet, and seeds of doubt about psychosomatics were planted in her head…
The musician couple has been married for 15 years. (Photo: from the archives of the Riga Vilnius publishing house)
“I thought I always had it harder”
“Looking back, I think we could have gone through it better. At least more united emotionally,” writes Māra about her relationship with her husband Jānis during this time. “We probably got through it decently. My husband and I tried our best to make everyday life easier for each other. But still, something essential was missing. There was a lack of conversation. I missed the feeling that we are going through it together, that I am not alone. Objectively speaking, there was no time for conversations, because we were in absolute Night watchman and laundress mode – when one goes home, the other goes to replace him at the hospital. However, even in the moments when we got to talk, I felt that I experienced it all differently than my husband. Ezra also behaved differently with each of us, and I always felt that it was more difficult for me.”
Mara says that one of the biggest challenges was “overcoming the child’s tantrums, which were not a unique side effect of the medication.” “And in managing them, conquer your anger as well. You try to understand what’s going on in that little body, but you can’t fully understand it. Just see that there is a wild fight going on. And of course, because he already has so much to be angry about: being trapped, not getting home, medicine… Looking at the whirlwind in Ezra, I try to pull myself together, saying that it’s okay. Anger is energy. Life energy. It is a flame. The flame moves him. Apathy would be worse. Anger has the will to live and power. Adrenaline that shakes the body. In a strange way, it calmed me down the best,” says the musician.
Life lessons
Two years were spent in therapy. “What does mom think on a day like this when the long period of drug therapy is over? That the sunset and the sea are unreal beautiful, that I want to tidy up the room, that I will cook pasta for lunch, that I have to choose shoes for tomorrow’s filming. And then… only when you get to sit alone in silence and when your friends ask you to sing “I give up” or when my son asks: “What does it mean – the last day of medicine?”, then my heart sinks. Is it really so? Is his body strong enough to know what to do next? How to convince your heart that this door is really closed forever. Today I am the same as always. And yet a little more fragile and sensitive. Today we want to remember that everyone around us has joined hands, that we have a tribe with helpers. To believe that we have learned all the necessary life lessons. To believe that my mind and psychosomatic processes are set up correctly. Remind yourself that it was an accident with no genetic cause. Cuddle Ezra and repeat many times that I love him endlessly and that he is a strong man and a thief who did everything right even when he didn’t want to. And the sisters, with whom we got to spend less time together, but who patiently helped us support our brother.”
Māra and Jānis raise three children – son Klavas Ezra, daughters Ronja and Hanna. (Photo: from private archive)
2023-09-27 03:08:00
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