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They created the new space for parents and siblings of star children: Stefanie Schäfer (left) and Jessica Hefner. © Too bad
The association “Our Star Children Rhein-Main” helps and connects parents and siblings of children who died before, during or shortly after birth. For the first time, he has his own room in Offenbach for his diverse offerings.
Offenbach – The pain is indescribable. When the child you were so excited about, longed for, that you carried in your body, is suddenly no longer there. If it dies in the womb. Or during birth. Or shortly afterwards. These children are called star children. And although they are rarely talked about in society and the topic is pushed aside as unpleasant, they are not at all rare. Around one in three women will experience a miscarriage at some point in their lives. According to statistics, the number of stillborn babies in Germany rose last year to 4.4 per 1,000 births, and the rate has been increasing since 2010.
In 2017, Jessica and Joshua Hefner started the first self-help group for early infant death in Offenbach, and in 2019 they founded the non-profit association “Our Star Children Rhein-Main” together with other affected people. One of them is Stefanie Schäfer, who today forms dual leadership on the board together with Jessica Hefner. “We noticed how many people are affected and how great the need is. And how few offers there are for them at the same time,” they look back. Hefner has three deceased children, Schäfer two. The aim of the association is to give orphaned parents the opportunity to exchange ideas, to provide them with information, advice and support and at the same time to raise public awareness of the issue.
Both completed training as bereavement counselors, Hefner specializing in families dealing with the early death of their child and after a prenatal medical diagnosis. The demand was high right from the start, volunteers were added as well as self-help groups at five locations. In Offenbach, too, a group met once a month in a church community.
Giving the topic its own “space”, tailored to the needs of the association and those affected, has always been the chairwoman’s wish. Now it has come true: Bernardstrasse 102 has been the club’s new home since September. A bright, friendly group room, a smaller room for quiet individual discussions and an open kitchen with dining table offer a suitable environment for the activities and offers.
While looking for office space, the two 36-year-olds discovered the space online – and immediately felt at home there, despite the need for renovation. “It was just right.” Now everything is ready, everyone is very happy – as is the hope of being able to stay longer than the one year specified in the rental agreement. The feedback so far has been consistently positive, they report.
The offers at Bernardstrasse 102
– Creative mourning meeting
– “Partners” group (fathers’ group)
– Rainbow crawling group (rainbow children are children who are born after a star child)
– various workshops, including “Blessingway” in October (pregnancy completion ceremony)
– Sibling group (expected from October)
– Follow-up pregnancy meeting (expected from October)
www.unsere-sternenkinder-rhein-main.de
“Suddenly you’re like a start-up,” is how Hefner describes the past year. In addition to preparing the room, there was a lot to do. “We have become a state association for self-help groups in the event of a child’s early death, and are now at capacity on a voluntary basis.” She is trying to get subsidies for rent and for employees who take on the accounting, for example, because the work is becoming more and more. Both women have three living children, the youngest each around a year old. “We put all of our parental leave into this.” And all the administration isn’t what we actually wanted to do. In other words, to help those affected, their partners and families, to support them in their need and desperation. To show you ways to move forward. There is a contact form on the club’s website. Anyone who fills it out will receive feedback as quickly as possible – no one should be alone in an acute situation. “It is irrelevant whether the child died in the fifth week of pregnancy or after birth. Everyone who mourns the loss of their child is welcome,” said Schäfer.
The type of grief is very individual, as is how to deal with it. What certainly doesn’t help the mothers are phrases like “You’re still young”, “It wasn’t even a real child yet” or “It’s probably better this way”. And the expectation that after a short time what had happened would be put aside and that she would have to “fix her crown and move on.” The two chairmen themselves think about their deceased children every day, talk about them with their partners and living children; in their own way, they are part of the family. “It doesn’t just come up when it’s an anniversary. It’s always on top,” Hefner says. The sight of first-graders recently bothered her because her son would have started school this year.
The experts agree that holding the dead child in your arms helps you process your grief, even if it takes a lot of effort at first. They criticize that medical staff sometimes lack topic-specific training and further education – and clinics lack uniform guidelines. “This can be regulated differently in every city.”
From the topic of funerals to the question of how openly you talk to other people about the death of your own child – those affected have an endless amount to deal with and to sort out for themselves. The great response to a conference organized by the association last year proves that the topic belongs out of the taboo zone.
By Veronika Schade
#Give #space #grief
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