Grave of a so-called star child. (archive)
What: Imago
Michaela, who does not want to give her real name, and her husband have had a difficult journey. When the two want to have their second child, Michaela is 30 years old. But in the eighth week of pregnancy, the young woman found out at a doctor’s appointment: her child’s heart had stopped beating. Why is unclear.
When I found out, I didn’t feel anything at first. Like in a movie.
„
Mother of a “star child”
This was followed by a scraping of the uterus. The following weeks are characterized by repression. “I just continued to work for my other daughter,” says the now 34-year-old.
How do parents cope when their child is stillborn? September 14, 2021 | 28:43 minutes
One family, two “star children”
A short time later, Michaela becomes pregnant again. When the first abnormalities are discovered during a check-up, weeks of uncertainty and further doctor’s appointments follow.
We were told that the child could die before the due date, or at birth, or shortly thereafter. Or that it is born with the most severe deformities.
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Michaela
After intensive counseling, she and her husband decide to have the pregnancy induced early. Her child dies during birth.
No matter when parents lose their child, the loss is always immeasurable. How can parents of star children cope with the loss?09/07/2021 | 2:44 minutes
Taboo topic in society
For every person who loses a child – be it the mother, father or grandmother – the challenges during the grieving process are different, says midwife Taina Beulting. She is active in grief work with parents who were orphaned at an early age.
For example, many of those affected often find it difficult to get back into everyday life and find meaning. For Michaela, the time after the death of her children is characterized by the “feeling of being lost”.
Although the early death of one’s own child is a reality for many people, it is still a taboo topic in society. It is important that those affected know that there are contact points that provide professional support in grief support, says midwife Beulting.
Contact points for families with “star children”
Bethanien Sternenkinder advice center
Your Star Child Foundation
The Foundation Your star child is a network of more than 600 photographers who photograph star children for free – as a reminder and help to share grief:
https://www.dein-sternenkind.eu/#
Hope’s Angel
At Hope’s Angel Grieving people receive free support and advice with an overview of emergency numbers in acute cases, including a “hope podcast”.
Strength through exchange in grief counseling
It also makes sense for people to come into contact with other affected people in order to exchange ideas. For example, there are various accounts and groups on social media in which relatives of “star children” can network. Establishing contact with other affected people also helps Michaela in her grieving process.
I found another mom online who was going through almost the same thing as me.
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Michaela
The funeral of her second “star child,” whose grave she visits regularly, also helped her. What else helps her grieve is music.
Birga Jelinek photographs children who are born dead. But when she takes photos, the baby is already dead. These photos are often the only thing the sad parents have left.18.08.2020 | 8:07 mins
Listen compassionately and openly
When those affected share their experiences with other people, they often encounter speechlessness or helplessness, says Beulting. However, those affected would often not perceive this as so stressful.
On the other hand, phrases such as “You are still young, you can still have children” or “Sorrow will pass” are more problematic. Beultin recommends listening compassionately and openly and avoiding empty phrases.
What does it mean to lose a loved one? A film about mourners and those who help them.01/19/2024 | 41:27 minutes
Everyone grieves differently
Grief processes are individual, says midwife Beulting, even within a partnership. It’s the same with Michaela and her husband. “He grieved for himself,” says the 34-year-old. “I sometimes thought: ‘Just talk to me!’ But nothing happened.” Classic role models often have something to do with it, says Beulting.
For many men, it is not easy to let go of the pressure of having to be the strong rock in the surf.
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Taina Beulting, midwife and grief counselor
That’s why an exchange with other grieving men without their partners makes sense.
After three star children, Marion Glück decided to terminate her fourth pregnancy – and thus have a severely disabled child.02/14/2024 | 5:17 minutes
Beulting emphasizes that mourners should take their time. It also helps to ask questions and look for contact points, “no matter what week of pregnancy the loss was and no matter whether it was an abortion. Because these are also deceased children who are being mourned.”
Such an experience cannot be repressed in the long term, because then it will involuntarily find its place somewhere in life.
Return of hope and happiness
After losing two children, Michaela and her husband try one last time to have a child. When Michaela becomes pregnant again, she constantly has in her mind: “I can’t be happy yet, who knows what will happen.”
This time the child was born healthy – today he is two and a half years old. One speaks of a “rainbow child,” explains Michaela. It represents the return of hope and happiness after a difficult time.
