Sleeping Separately: Unconventional but Beneficial for Relationships

John Slabbekoorn (34) and his wife Jeanet (33) have been sleeping apart for ten years and never want it any other way. “We started doing it because we had very different bedtimes,” says John. “Jeanet went to bed much earlier than me, and I had to get up at a quarter to five because I was still working in construction at the time. We kept waking each other up unintentionally.”

“One day we decided to exchange our bed for two separate beds. “We pushed the beds together and so we each had 1.60 meters to ourselves. That was nice, but it didn’t prevent one from waking up when the other had to get up or go to bed. We then each went to sleep in our own room. We liked it so much that we never stopped.”

‘Staying together’

“Nowadays we each sleep in a room with both our sons two nights a week. The other nights Jeanet sleeps with one and I sleep with the other. The nice thing about sleeping separately is that it becomes special when you do sleep together. So we occasionally stay together. Jeanet has a three-metre bed that takes up almost her entire bedroom, so we can sleep in it with the whole family. Very cozy. And the next night, we all sleep separately.”

“You know what it is: you’re of no use to each other at night. And if you’re just getting in each other’s way when you sleep together, it’s better not to do it. Jeanet and I want to get the most out of everything anyway. , and our sleep is no exception. When we both get a good night’s sleep, we have more energy during the day and are better partners when we are together.”

Attention for each other

“We have agreed on certain rituals to prevent us from growing apart. Jeanet goes to sleep a few hours earlier than me, but then I always go along to tuck her in. That is our moment together, then we have all our attention. for each other. Sometimes it takes fifteen minutes, sometimes an hour and a half. We cuddle, talk, are intimate. Some people think that sleeping apart is the death knell for your sex life, but with us the opposite is true. Even now that we have two children, we do it is still an average of four times a week.”

“The funny thing is that everyone thought we were crazy in the beginning. Jeanet’s grandparents asked if our relationship was going well, because you didn’t sleep apart. And believe it or not, but now everyone sleeps in the family like us. I think it can work for everyone, but it depends on communication. If you go to sleep separately while one of the two is still stuck in ‘how it should actually be done’ and that is not expressed, then the relationship doomed to failure. It only works if you talk to each other.”

Judith Bruin (51) and her husband sleep separately when they need to

Judith: “When my eldest daughter left home and a room became available, I thought: it is for me. We have eight children together and often had to go out at night for the youngest. At a certain point, every disruption is the night was one too many; I was overtired.”

“I prefer not to have anyone next to me at night. I can wake up when my husband is thinking very hard. Yes, then I feel a certain energy, then I think: what is going on here, go to sleep, man! On my own I have more peace and I can recharge. And my husband also likes it very much, being alone.”

‘He missed me’

“It varies from period to period how often we sleep separately. It just depends on when we need it. I also sleep outside regularly, which I love, but he doesn’t like it. Sometimes we sleep next to each other for weeks, and this week, for example, three nights in a row apart. This morning my husband happened to ask when I’m coming to sleep with him again – he missed me.”

“That is already one advantage of occasionally sleeping separately: you have a greater need to be near each other and it becomes special again when you do sleep together. And being better rested is of course good for your relationship anyway. If I have slept poorly, I can have much less.”

“Sleeping separately, I can recommend it to everyone. And that’s what I do with my company Sacred Sex Academy. I regularly hear from women that they actually need a place for themselves, but don’t dare to bring it up because they think it is not normal or that it means you have relationship problems. But it can actually help prevent relationship problems.”

Advantages

Sleeping separately is still a taboo, sleep neuroscientist notes Els van der Helm. “Everyone immediately thinks that you will no longer have sex with each other, while that is of course not automatically the case.” In fact, if your night’s sleep suffers if you sleep together, it might be better for your sex life to both find different beds. Research shows that women in particular have less desire for sex if they have not slept well.

A loudly snoring or violently tossing partner, being woken up every weekday night by a loud alarm because the other has to get up earlier: according to Van der Helm, these are legitimate reasons to put your money where your mouth is and go to sleep alone (provided you have the luxury of an extra room). But beware of the “princess and the pea syndrome,” she says. “We sometimes see that people with insomnia go too far in looking for factors that cause them to sleep poorly. In order to have as much control over the bed situation as possible, they sleep alone, while the negative impact of the partner is actually in their head. “

Sleep deprivation

Sleeping separately is not necessarily better or worse than sleeping together, scientifically speaking. “We do know that if people are used to sleeping with a partner, they sleep better together than alone. And people who are used to sleeping alone sleep less well if they suddenly have to share their bed. It takes a while before you get used to it. you are used to a new situation.”

One thing is certain: a bad night’s sleep doesn’t benefit anyone. “Sleep deprivation not only has a negative impact on your cognitive skills, it also has major consequences on an emotional level. For example, you have much less control over your own emotions if you sleep poorly. You have less patience and are quicker to get out of control. In addition, We see that people who are tired start to isolate themselves socially and have difficulty understanding other people. They are less able to perceive and assess emotions.”

Conversely, others – unconsciously – also avoid people who are tired. Research has even shown that we feel lonelier if we haven’t slept well, says Van der Helm, and the same goes for the people around us. “That means that others feel less comfortable around someone who is very tired. All of this can of course have a negative effect on the relationship.” When couples do sleep well, they are more positive about their relationship. So if you really sleep much better on your own than together, then there is plenty to be said for just doing that.

Joanne (48, not her real name) and her husband have been sleeping separately for years, but this has been less successful for them

“It started because of my husband’s snoring. I also snore quite a bit myself, but it didn’t bother him, while I didn’t sleep a wink. And as often happens in a marriage, as a woman you are the one who has to have a different bed. to get a better night’s sleep. After all, I was the one who had the problem, not him. It was the same in my first marriage.”

“At a certain point I decided to stay somewhere else permanently. Since we had a little one, I haven’t tried to share a bed with my husband at all. Our son had such difficulty sleeping that I spent years in his room. because otherwise I had to get out of bed all the time. He is now 4 and we are training him for the umpteenth time to sleep alone. Hopefully this time it will finally work, because I need so much rest.”

“My husband and I used to go upstairs at the same time, but not for a long time now. I would prefer to see it differently, more ‘normal’. We become alienated from each other, are hardly intimate anymore. I just don’t feel like having sex if one of us then leaves for another room. Well, it is what it is. It is killing for our relationship, but for me personally this is now the best option. If I don’t sleep well, I fall over. I have to I can’t even think about lying next to my snoring husband again.”

2023-09-22 11:03:18
#couples #sleep #separately #death #blow #sex #life