Sexual Desire Decreased During the Covid-19 Pandemic, Especially in Women: Experts Explain
It has been almost four years since the world went into lockdown from the Covid-19 pandemic — but don’t be surprised if you haven’t brought sexy back yet.
Sexual function — which includes factors like desire, arousal, and pleasure — in men and women decreased significantly after the start of the Covid-19 pandemic, according to a January 2022 meta-analysis of 21 studies published in the journal BMC Public Health. And women — even more so than men — struggled when it came to desire.
“I’ve been hearing about this since the first couple of months of the pandemic and it’s definitely a trend that has continued,” said Vanessa Marin, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Santa Barbara, California.
Stress kills sex
Why would Covid-19 create such an ongoing issue for sexual desire? Stress, said Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University.
“It makes sense that people experienced a lot of difficulties during this time because you had these major life disruptions that didn’t necessarily go away when the world reopened,” said Lehmiller, who is also the host of the “Sex and Psychology Podcast.”
It’s difficult for people’s bodies to find space for sex when under stress, Marin said.
“For the vast majority of people, if you’re under a lot of stress, your body shuts down any pathway to arousal and desire,” she said.
On top of concerns about the state of the world and your family’s health, transitioning to a Covid-19 world of no childcare, working from home, and fewer social outlets meant increased stress for many people — but especially women in particular.
“The pandemic brought issues of mental load and mental labor really to the forefront in a way that it never has been before,” Marin said. Mental load refers to tasks that take planning, preparation, and keeping track to maintain a household.
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It makes sense that women who took on a greater share of domestic labor — all while working from home — would start to feel like intimacy with their partner was another item on the list of things for other people, she added.
And even though things went back to something closer to normal after lockdown lifted, people may have gotten used to how things were. That means many people likely haven’t found ways to reinvigorate their relationships, said Deborah Fox, a licensed sex therapist, and clinical social worker based in Washington, DC.
Spontaneous vs. responsive
That feeling at the beginning of a relationship when desire is on fire all the time is actually an anomaly in the world of sexuality, and it’s OK if you have to change your approach as a relationship goes on, Fox said.
Many people, particularly women, tend to experience what is called responsive arousal as opposed to spontaneous arousal, she said.
Whereas someone who is aroused spontaneously can be interested in sex in many circumstances, people who are more responsive in their desire require a less stressful context and contact with their partner that initiates their arousal, Fox added.
“If you want to have sex on Saturday, start foreplay on Wednesday,” she said.
And it doesn’t have to be explicit. Foreplay could be spending time with your partner watching your favorite show, going on a fun date, or even taking a hot bath, Fox said.
To get back into a space where desire is more regular, Fox recommends setting aside time when you and your partner will be physically connected.
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Importantly, that doesn’t necessarily mean that’s when you will be having sex, and it really shouldn’t have pressure for it to lead there, she said.
Instead, cuddle, kiss, or hold hands at that designated time and be open to where it might go. And don’t forget to have fun with it, Fox said.
“That regular sort of rhythm of activity is what’s required because otherwise drift takes over,” she added. “And if you’re already drifting from the pandemic, it feels awkward to get back into it.”
How to get the spark back
With an issue as multifaceted as sexual desire, there are many steps you can take if you want to get back in the groove.
First, take inventory of your emotional connection with your partner: Are you feeling disconnected or resentful? Working on those elements of the relationship together or with a therapist could address physical issues, Marin said.
Then look at the quality of the sex that you are having.
“The vast majority of people describe their sex as boring, routine, predictable, and that there’s nothing in it for them,” she added.
You might not know exactly what it is that would bring some spice back, but start by asking yourself and talking with your partner about what you do enjoy in your sex
