“Setting Boundaries: Navigating Children’s Behavior in Public Spaces”

To the address jakztohoven@firma.seznam.cz came the following query:

Good day, I like to read your advice, so I would like to know what you think about the case “only well-behaved children can come to our restaurant” aka eat Marthy’s kitchen. We still, as a society, want women to give birth to the “new tax payers”, so babies in public should be the norm, right? Doesn’t it belong only to businesses with children’s corners? And besides, no one writes rants about “rude people who talk loudly on the phone” that they don’t belong in restaurants. On the other hand, I understand that sometimes it seems like we live in an age of “the tyranny of the child” where some parents think they have the right to be with a runaway child on a castle tour, where they disturb others. I understand that someone may feel the same way in a restaurant, where, for example, children in the finals do not disturb so much. Where do you think the line is as to what is bothersome to others? Thank you, Jana, mother of two small children.

Thanks for your question, Jan. Where is the line of what is annoying to others, you ask? To be honest, I have to say that I didn’t really understand the case, I suspect that it was about the fact that some cafe in Prague changed the rules for the behavior of “decent” children and otherwise go somewhere else with your children. So I will answer your question rather than a specific public debate about that cafe.

Whether we’re talking about boundaries or what does or doesn’t bother someone, I have to say that it’s always a relationship. Two or more people. And as in any relationship, it all comes down to what kind of people meet each other and how they can communicate with each other. I have to say for myself, let people set the rules they want in their cafes, hair salons and other businesses. Yes, the topic of exclusion will always come up, it’s weird not letting someone go, isn’t it? Fortunately.

What if all cafes ban children from entering because it will be easier for them? Parents won’t be allowed anywhere? Just because they have kids? Is it okay to have a bar that is safe for women by not letting men in? Is it fair not to let the kids out if you want to do hodo bozo gastronomy? It is up to each of us to judge. But it still remains a strong argument that if they set their own rules, they have no choice but to accept them (unless the court decides that they are illegal).

We can go elsewhere, think our own way about them, start boycotting them, write posts or blogs about it. I mean it’s just one owner’s decision. When you come to any place, if you have small children, you know that a different environment awaits you everywhere. Despite some neatly written rules. I know one posh, legendary cafe in Prague where I could go with my young children. They always treated us with absolute respect, decency and nobility. They always brought crayons and coloring books for the children as soon as we arrived. We felt great there in all conditions. At the same time, dogs are not allowed inside…

In other places, even if they are set up for children, the staff and guests can look at you as a completely incompetent parent when your child does this and that. It is always good for me to judge the individual specific relationship. How is this place for me and my children? How do we feel there? Do we want to go there? Or rather not, thanks.

If someone complains that my dog, child, friend is in the way or annoying, I can deal with it again on a specific individual basis. Is it possible to talk to this person? Why does he mind? Can I arrange it? Do I understand him? Should I change seats? Will he sit down? Will he understand me and we can come to an agreement? But sometimes others don’t hear us, don’t understand and just want to enforce their own will, then an agreement is probably not possible.

It is always necessary to look for what two people can and want to do for each other in a specific relationship. Listen with understanding. Then I don’t think it’s necessary to talk in general about where to go with children and who bothers them. It is always a unique meeting and a willingness to understand each other, a willingness to compromise. For me, this ability is what I would like to pass on to my children in contact with other people, rather than orienting myself according to some general prohibitions “you can, there you can’t”.