Last night my mother appeared very happy by the hand of Sean Connery; I thought they were specters or a nightmare, but Ana made it clear to me that we were awake.
“Honey, this is not a hallucination, I see the same as you.”
They arrived in an old gray R5 with an Orense license plate; When I saw her get out of the car, my heart sank and I was glad, but it was very strange, my mother died twelve years ago. I was shivering with cold and excitement at the door, watching them approach. She was beaming with happiness from the actor’s hand. In fact, he didn’t even look at me, he only had eyes for the Scotsman. That bothered me and he noticed it on my face.
“Son, how stiff you have always been, cheer up that face and come give me a kiss!”
“Mother, I thought you would be in heaven with Dad.”
“Oh, how little you love me.” Your father is very boring, I saw him the other day in a filthy tavern playing trick; he wastes his second life playing cards with buddies.
“But are you in heaven or hell?”
“See what I told you,” he turned to Sean, “he’s too tight and dogmatic for a book.”
“Dogmatic me?” If they call me equidistant around here … but tell me, where do you live now: in purgatory, in limbo or in transit?
—In another dimension, son, that of heaven and hell is a thing of the ancients or of fundamentalists; Now each one lives in what they fantasized in life: some stay in shit, others are continually offended, while the fantasists make our dreams come true. So you see, here you have me with my friend.
“Are you a friend or lover of the actor?”
—I am not his lover, I am his beloved; by the way, he’s not just an actor, he’s agent 007. —I ignored that clarification, because I didn’t give a damn.
“Have you seen your parents or grandfather Teodoro in that other dimension?” Do you know anything about them?
—I haven’t seen anyone from Yecla because they say they are sent to a place where it is very airy and they are called foreigners; And you know that the air makes me very angry. I did see your grandfather one day, he was hugging a redhead with prominent curves, and I don’t know what he was saying in his ear, but she was laughing out loud. Father-in-law! I yelled at him. He barely looked at me to say “goodbye, pretty!” Now as a dandy he flirts with young girls, and says he feels better than ever.
“What about French friends?”
—The chauvinists live in parcels that no one can cross and the nationalists live in limbo, or so a Catalanist who was heading there told me furiously, “Independence, independence!”
“And God what does he say about all this?”
“I don’t know. Neither his Satanic majesty nor Jehovah nor Yahweh nor the angels have appeared there.
“And the Virgin Mary and the saints?”
—A little brunette dressed in blue who claims to come from Palestine wanders there looking for her son, but I think it’s not Maria; and if it is her, she is very deteriorated. Of the saints, no trace.
“Have you seen Juliette?”
—Yes, it was next to a fountain, it sent me regards for you. She went hand in hand with D’Artagnan and accompanied by three swordsmen.
“Normal, he had a soft spot for musketeers; they would be dancing, for sure.
—Of course, son, you have never danced and now she enjoys the beauty with handsome gallants. He told me that he is very happy about your relationship with Ana, let’s see if that way your character will be sweetened a bit. But to what we were going, that I have spoken a lot about you and Yecla to Bond, James Bond.
“That’s fine, but what are you doing here?” I mean, in this dimension, on Earth and in Yecla, specifically.
—Well, very simple, we were passing through and my beloved wanted to meet you, see the town and taste the wine of various local wineries, because where we are there is not a drop of alcohol.
“Leave me Isabel, I’ll tell the kid,” Connery said.
“Don’t call me a kid.”
“Your mother is right, you look like a Soviet bureaucrat.”
“To the point, it’s too late.” What do you have to tell me? I felt Ana’s hand reassuring me.
—I have returned because I want to be Agent 007 again, that the current one has grown older and before they elect some effeminate I want to offer myself to His Majesty so that James Bond continues to be the representation of MAN — thus, with capital letters—, and your dear mother wants to know the world of espionage and cinema. I’m going to introduce you to Kim Basinger and Monica Bellucci. “At that moment, my eyes lit up with mischief: they are two of my erotic myths.”
—Yes son, I want to know that world of glamor and I want to travel. I want Sean to know the town, the virgin of the Castle and taste the balls. A wicked smile escaped me and Ana kicked me under the table. From here we go to France to introduce you to your sisters, then we go to Edinburgh to see the house where my beloved was born and from there to London to speak with my namesake.
“Let’s see if I find out, are you calling Elizabeth II, Queen of the British Empire, your namesake?” You are old and dead or, at least, in another dimension, who is going to want to hire you?
—A man is always a man, make no mistake; And a super agent has to be a real guy, like my Connery. He is rejuvenating and you will also see the informative bombshell: The real James Bond has risen, he returns to save the empire and his Majesty! We can give the scoop to the newspaper in which you write your stories.
“But mother, the current 007 does very well,” I said, but she jumped like a wishbone.
“Son, you’re not going to compare!”
—No, I don’t compare, but now the sense of masculinity has changed a lot.
“That’s a story, a man will always be a man,” and Ana agrees; Two women of different generations agree on this issue, I don’t understand anything.
“Do you want a drink, Mom?” What about you, Mr. Conenry, or should I call you father?
-No man no. Call me Bond, James Bond. By the way, do you have whiskey?
“Yes, but from the Segovian distilleries.”
“Okay,” he answered. In truth, I have Scotch whiskey, but because of my eggs, this one drinks a national product. And so much that he drank, he blew out the bottle in less than half an hour.
—Son, 007 is curious to know the Region of Murcia and we had thought that you could act as guides because he wants to propose that the new episode of the secret agent take place in these parts. For example, you could have a secret mission near the Arabí or catch some dealers of archaeological jewels.
“But first they will have to hire him; although a Yeclana mission does not seem commercial to me.
—What rigidity Teo, that will be decided by the writers! You could contribute ideas and, above all, help with the locations. What’s more, Ana could play Bond girl.
Ana’s eyes lit up, she liked the idea; and the British, very clever, noticed. It is already known that the bloody actor is an incorrigible seducer.
“My hiring is imminent Teodoro.” Today we are tired and after so many emotions we need to rest. Tomorrow we will have breakfast together and I will tell you. The Scotsman jumped to his feet and my mother followed him with a meekness I had never seen in her.
We offered them a guest room so they could spend the night and my mother with a mischievous smile told me that they had a room reserved in a Yeclano hotel.
I was very confused and fed up, but I needed to sleep.
Saturn and Alba, which I haven’t named, spent the entire afternoon staring at Sean Connery in awe. Saturn looked like a porcelain dog. We have seen all the 007 movies together. The cat purred by my mother’s feet and every now and then she came and went from the kitchen to the living room in confusion.
Ana is already thinking about the name for the movie and the secret mission; I am touched by their enthusiasm. We turned off the light and I hugged her. The cat and the dog are running downstairs.
When she woke up this morning, Ana was possessed of a frightening optimism.
“Sweetheart, I already have the name for the 007 mission in our town” Operation Graphene. “And he was looking at the ceiling, gesturing with open hands as if he saw it on a luminous sign.
Teo Carpena’s blog
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