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With my baby, my eating disorder came back
Eating disorders that come to light during pregnancy are rarely addressed in gynecological examinations, but are apparently nothing unusual: An evaluation of different studies on the topic of women and eating disorders indicates that this phenomenon is apparently “relatively common” and poses health risks for both mother and child Child can bring. Some experts suggest that one in 20 pregnant women has an eating problem. Therefore, this issue should definitely be broached between patients and health care providers, especially if someone has a history of eating disorders. “For women who have struggled with this in the past, pregnancy is a time when they should pay special attention to their mental well-being and physical health. It can make sense to seek support during this time, ”says the psychiatrist Dr. Ovidio Bermudez, who works at an eating disorders treatment center. The time after the birth is also not child’s play, because it is not exactly easy for new mothers either: Stress, exhaustion and the social pressure to have to reach their original weight again can aggravate the disturbed eating behavior. This can also happen if the person affected has not had any symptoms for years. But what is particularly worrying, says Bermudez, is the fact that many mothers hide their eating disorder because they are ashamed of it. “A woman may feel like she is not a good mother because she is struggling with the new circumstances. What she ignores is that this is a disease, something that is out of her control and has nothing to do with her parenting skills, ”says Bermudez. That is why it is so important to seek professional help. In the following, author Anna Davies explains how eating disorders became a problem for her when her daughter was six months old. I got into the elevator of the office building I was working in recently, prepared for comments, and hoped my fancy black dress, chunky gold necklace, and four-inch heels would distract my black eye. My plan didn’t work out, which I saw from the looks of other people. By the time I got to my desk, I had already made up an excuse that seemed believable. “Lucy kicked me in bed,” I said, referring to my seven month old daughter. My colleagues laughed. After all, I worked for a company that made baby products. Many of my colleagues were also parents and could sing a song about such experiences. As you can already guess, this story is not true. The truth is, I gave myself that black eye: I vomited that morning, which caused some blood vessels in my eyelids to burst. At least that’s what my ophthalmologist explained to me the next day. When he asked me if I had the flu recently, I lied and said “yes”. At that point my eye was the least of my problems. As a single mother, I was anxious, stressed, and exhausted. To deal with all of this, I threw up in the bathroom. I did it while my daughter was in her crib. So that she couldn’t hear anything, I let the shower run. Now that I was a mother, I felt guilty, after all, I wanted nothing less than to pass on my disordered eating behavior to my daughter. But I couldn’t stop vomiting. I have struggled with eating disorders since my late teens. In my twenties, I vomited several times a week. I tried to see some therapists inside. But there was no one among them who was right for me. Also, I was often surprised by the lack of knowledge that some of these experts I confided in seemed to have about disordered eating habits. One person told me that I was “not that thin” after all, while another tried to analyze my eating behavior with the conviction that it had something to do with my relationship with my mother. So I tried to get my eating disorder under control myself. When I was 28 years old and trained for a marathon, my symptoms completely disappeared. It had to do with my fear of the effects my vomiting, combined with hard training, would have had on my body. Over time, I exercised more and more, which started to develop a more positive relationship with my body. When I was thirty years old, I was convinced that I would have gotten rid of my eating problem forever. And then I got pregnant. I was concerned that my eating disorder would turn into a problem that would change my body. Because of this, I tried to raise the issue with my gynecologist. On my first visit to the practice, I told her that I didn’t want to know how much I weighed. She agreed, but over time it became clear that she did not understand that my request was for something more serious than sheer vanity. Once, during my second trimester of pregnancy, she scolded me for gaining seven pounds. I burst into tears. That was the only time I cried during my pregnancy. The truth is, I gave myself that black eye. “All is well. I know how you feel, ”she said, clumsily trying to comfort me. Still, I was pretty sure she didn’t understand why I was shedding tears. All I wanted to do at that moment was run to the bathroom and throw up. The only thing that kept me from doing it was the fact that it wasn’t just my body anymore. I was too scared to ask my gynecologist for a referral to a therapist. As a single mother, I felt that I was being scrutinized closely enough. I didn’t want it to look like I couldn’t handle this challenge. I never vomited once during my pregnancy. It wasn’t until my daughter Lucy was six months old that I felt the urge to do it again. Although I wasn’t entirely satisfied with my body after giving birth, my need to vomit had so much more to do with my own body awareness. I enjoyed being in control whenever I vomited. I liked the feeling of an empty stomach. I didn’t have any real food cravings, instead throwing up at irregular times – sometimes after a meal and sometimes just like that. I was under pressure to make money, pressure to get a job, and pressure to be a good mother. The vomiting felt oddly like some form of self-care. It allowed me to feel better quickly. My black eye made it clear to me that something had to change. This time I was very careful in my choice of therapy. Before that, any therapist who accepted my insurance and worked near me was fine. This time I asked other mothers for personal recommendations. I was looking for someone who specialized in postnatal depression or anxiety, although I wasn’t sure if I suffered from either. I also wanted to work with someone who had extensive experience with new mothers. As soon as I had a few names, I asked about their eating disorders expertise: I wasn’t sure I could stop vomiting, but I wanted to make sure the therapists I was talking to were inside ultimately decide to be able to help me with this problem without feeling overwhelmed. I also wanted my therapist to understand the pressure I was putting on myself – since I was already feeling so guilty about vomiting, I needed someone who would stand behind me. Finally I found someone. Instead of focusing on not vomiting, I started focusing on the stressors in my life. One of the biggest was my job. So I started looking for a new job and quit after a few months. I also stressed myself unnecessarily about wanting to do everything perfectly. I tried to make it seem like everything just came easy to me, even if it clearly wasn’t. After all, no one should think I would fail as a single mother. For example, when my new friends and I were planning a barbecue, I offered to bring desserts instead of just getting napkins or dishes. I made five desserts that day while my daughter was playing in the kitchen – all just to hear the others say, “I would never do what you can do myself”. The most important lesson I’ve learned from my therapy is that I don’t need to prove myself. Every parent – single, married or whatever – sometimes just needs support. So gradually I began to ask friends to take care of Lucy. I started by accepting my limits and confiding in others whenever I was worried or felt stressed. Lucy is two now and I’m so much better than before. I don’t go to therapy anymore. I am much happier and more relaxed than on that winter morning a year and a half ago. Yet I am not “cured”. I am very sensitive when it comes to weight. Conversations about the quickest way to lose those extra pounds after giving birth make me mega pissed; a harmless message from a friend who asked me if I would be interested in her weight loss coaching, which “specializes in new mothers,” caused me to send back an angry reply. In it I explained to her how much we mothers can be triggered by such words. I am sure that food will forever be a sensitive issue for me. But now I know that my urge to surrender always kicks in when something is no longer right in my life. It’s a sign that I may need a therapy session to find out what’s wrong. I am very open about how difficult it was to face all of these challenges. Because I wish I had known then that I was not alone with these difficulties, parenting can bring past problems back into your life, and part of being a good parent is knowing when to go around Have to ask for help. If you are struggling with an eating disorder and need support, you can find professional help here. Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here? How Breastfeeding Changes Your Sex Life Is There Really a Maternal Instinct? What Do Women Expect from Maternity Wear?
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