We like to raise our children in complete freedom. We believe they should be given the opportunity to develop themselves without parental supervision. But in practice this proves difficult: many parents prefer to keep an eye on their offspring all day long. These helicopter parents do not always realize this.
Cycling to a friend or staying at home without parents, it should be possible when children are about 10 or 11 years old. In fact, we think it’s good for them, because it allows them to become independent. Yet these children are allowed to do a lot less themselves than you would expect. The helicopter parent is on top of it, it turns out new research of the University of Michigan. “There is a significant gap between parents’ views on encouraging their children’s independence and what they actually allow their children to do without supervision,” says researcher Sarah Clark. “This means that some parents miss opportunities to guide their children in autonomous tasks and inadvertently hinder their children’s development when it comes to independence and problem-solving skills.”
Parents want to but don’t dare
Four out of five parents of children aged 9 to 11 agreed that it is good for children to have free time without parental supervision. But there are a lot fewer parents who say that their child actually does things without the presence of an adult, according to the study among more than a thousand parents.
About three in five parents left their child home alone for up to an hour. Half indicated that their child had sometimes gone to buy a product separately from them in a different part of the supermarket. Less than half let their child wait in the car while they ran a quick errand themselves. Less than half of the children also walked or cycled to a friend’s house or played in the park themselves. And less than a sixth of parents allowed their children to go out independently for trick-or-treating, for example.
Worries are logical
The main reason why parents are so reluctant to let their children do anything alone is obvious: safety. But that is also contradictory: more than half are afraid that a malicious person will follow or frighten their child, while only 17 percent indicate that their neighborhood is not safe for children alone. “To some extent it is normal to worry about your child. But some parents limit their children’s independent activities because of what they read in the media, even when such things rarely happen and cannot be prevented,” Clark said.
She advises parents to give their children more freedom step by step. “Parents can reassure themselves by taking small steps and, for example, first letting their child play alone with a friend in a familiar public place. Discussions before and after can help parents assess whether their children understand the importance of following safety rules,” she explains.
Afraid of criticism
Some parents also think that their children are not ready to do things on their own, even though they are of an age. And about 10 percent think others think they are a bad parent if they let their child play unsupervised. It is not surprising that they think so: a quarter of respondents have criticized another parent and 13 percent have been criticized themselves because they are not paying close attention to their child. “Parents are influenced by the current ‘blame culture’. They expect to be criticized if something happens to their child,” Clark said.
The researchers not only looked at parents of children between 9 and 11 years old, but also asked them about the freedoms of their 5 to 8 year olds. There also appeared to be a discrepancy. Nearly three-quarters indicated that they thought it was important for their child to do things themselves, but less than half of these parents said that this actually happened. This concerns things such as ordering food in a restaurant, talking to unknown adults, determining how to spend their pocket money or preparing their own food. Parents think that their children are not yet big enough for that kind of thing, that it takes too long or does not happen the way the parents want it.
Independence is important
Clark emphasizes that primary school years are an important phase for developing independence under the guidance of parents. “Becoming independent is an ongoing process in which children gain a little more freedom, with parents there to teach them skills and help them understand the consequences of their choices,” she explains.
“As children gain more experience with certain tasks, they learn that they have the responsibility to do those tasks themselves. Research shows that encouraging independence is good for a child’s self-confidence, resilience, problem-solving skills and psychological health.”
So don’t be a helicopter parent and slowly let your children do more and more things alone, it’s good for them.
2023-10-16 17:02:28
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