Everyone is born as the person he/she/it is. Yet being yourself is not always self-evident. As a sixteen-year-old, Lia (26) injured herself. For far too long she identified with her scars. Today she is someone who grabs hold of life and gets as much out of it as possible.
‘I look a little different than most people because I have a lot of scars on my arms. Scars that I made myself. I think it’s madness that there was a period during my teenage years when I consciously hurt myself. Ten years ago, no one around me would have dared to think that self-harm would turn into an addiction that would dominate my mind and my life. In the space of two years, many psychiatric admissions followed. When I was discharged for the last time and re-entered society, I did not realize that a whole healing process would have to start from then on.’
Afraid of the mirror
‘My friends went to festivals and had their very first sweetheart, while I didn’t even dare to walk around in a top at the time. I have identified with my scars for far, far too long. My mind told me that they symbolized who I was. At almost every confrontation with the mirror I burst into tears and all I could think was: what do I look like now? What have I done to myself? Seeing my reflection in the mirror brought back all the bad feelings that were at the root of my self-harm.”
At almost every confrontation with the mirror I burst into tears and all I could think was: what do I look like now? What have I done to myself?
‘I was convinced that for the rest of my life I would be seen as “Lia with her scars”, because that is how I saw myself. Why would others view me through a different lens? So I tried to hide as much as possible. Over the years – partly thanks to the support of my family and friends – I have discovered a new version of myself and fortunately I know a lot more than my sixteen-year-old self.’
Two extremes
‘It’s taken me a long time to navigate my own world and figure out who I am, regardless of what I look like. That is anyway a huge stumbling block for many in this society, but… Gradually I began to realize that my scars are part of my past, but that I no longer have to let them determine my future and self-worth. They are a passage in my story, but not my story in itself.’
‘I notice that I am increasingly returning to who I was as a child and that I am rediscovering myself. As long as I am healthy, my appearance is secondary. I am especially grateful that my body allows me to exercise, climb mountain peaks and perhaps one day give birth to a child. I now see my body as a temple that I want to treat as best as possible. For example, I used to exercise to be as slim as possible, while now I prefer to be strong, fit and healthy.’
Life in hands
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been as close to myself as I am right now and maybe in five or ten years that feeling will be even stronger. I hope that this evolution continues for the rest of my days, because only when you are yourself will the right doors open. The more I step into my own power, the greater the snowball effect. I now see myself as someone who grabs life with both hands and tries to get as much out of it as possible.
Today I can look in the mirror and pat myself on the back. The vulnerable sixteen-year-old girl back then and the 26-year-old woman I am today are two extremes.
I have long ignored the opinions of others, so I will never let that stop me. What I look like is therefore separate from who I am. People who would have problems with that simply don’t fit into my life. Today I can look in the mirror and pat myself on the back. The vulnerable sixteen-year-old girl back then and the 26-year-old woman I am today are two extremes, and that is an incredibly beautiful turnaround that I can only embrace.’
Text: Marijke Clabots
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2023-11-17 16:01:01
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