Natalie Claytor and Manuel Moreno speak of the loss of their son Oliver with admirable integrity. “Your baby is dead and it is the worst moment of your life, but it is also a beautiful moment because you are discovering the face that you have imagined so much during pregnancy; you’re getting to know your son”, introduces the mother, recalling a birth that has barely been a year and a half.
The initiative Oliver’s Legacy aims to humanize the care offered by hospitals to those who lose a child during pregnancy. This couple from Chiclana raises funds to buy ‘cuddle cots’ or hug cradles, a device that allows keep the baby’s lifeless body and “give time” to families so that they can have the farewell that they did not have.
His proposal is shocking in Spain, but it is well established in countries like England or the United States. “There are those who see it and say: ‘How creepy!’ But he is not creepy, he is your son, ”says Natalie. So far they have managed to donate four cribs to hospitals in Jerez, Algeciras, Cádiz and Puerto Real.
– What is a cuddle cradle?
– Manuel: It is a crib designed so that the lifeless body endures longer after childbirth. It is connected to a machine that cools air and puts it in a blanket that surrounds the baby, the fetus or whatever the moment is.
– So it’s not only good for very advanced pregnancies.
– Natalie: Prenatal death is considered after 22 weeks of pregnancy and there are very small cribs for them. That was not the case with Oliver, he had just two weeks left to turn nine months.
– What goes through the heads of some parents when they find out that they have lost the baby?
– N.: You can’t believe it. You think that it is not happening to you and you hope to wake up from the nightmare at some point. Nothing ago you were in labor and when you realize you are saying goodbye to your baby. Two hours before you were happy and suddenly everything changes.
– Oliver’s Legacy proposes a more humane treatment for these cases. What is the usual protocol in hospitals?
– N.: Each hospital is different and it depends a lot on the doctors and their way of comforting you. The usual protocol is that the family can say goodbye to the baby after delivery, although after a while they take the body.
“The crib that we delivered in Puerto Real has already been used by a family that spent one day with the baby”
– Did you get to be with Oliver?
– M.: At first I refused to take it because I was in shock. At that time it wasn’t me, I had just lost the child a day after setting up the crib for him. In the end they convinced me between Natalie and the midwife and I swear it’s the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.
– Is it usual to refuse?
– M.: The first step is always rejection. Even more so for us, first because we did not expect it at this stage of the pregnancy and second because it was the third time.
– Didn’t you just lose Oliver?
– M.: We have had five pregnancies. In the first Chloe was born, who is now five years old. Then we had an ectopic pregnancy, a three-month loss, Oliver passed away two weeks after birth, and then we lost another at three months.
– N.: That’s why Oliver’s pregnancy we live with a lot of fear. I did not relax at any time and until two or three days before the delivery we did not take the first pregnant photo.
– M.: That is why the first thing was to deny reality, but then we discovered that we are not the only ones. At first, when asked if they want to hold the baby, most parents say no. That is why this project is so necessary. The cuddle cradle that we delivered in Puerto Real has already been used by a family that spent almost a whole day with the baby. The grandparents were able to meet him.
– But can other relatives also see it?
– N.: Of course, because the duel is not only for the parents. Chloe couldn’t meet that little brother she talks about so much, the one who brought her drawings home, the one I felt touching my belly and even talked to him. It is the duel of that future that I had imagined so much.
– M.: We must bear in mind that a birth is also an operation. During the short time that Natalie was with Oliver she was recovering and being sewn up. It may be the case of a delivery that is a little more complicated, that the mother is sedated… Even the baby can die in car accidents or at a time when the father is away. The gift of the cradle of cuddles is the time to arrive.
”In other countries it is assimilated that you dress him, bathe him, take pictures and even sleep with him”
– N.: The idea is that there is no set protocol, but to give the opportunity of time so that no family member leaves the hospital, for different reasons, without having had the opportunity to be with the baby. There are families who return to the hospital asking for the autopsy photo.
– M.: They told us if we wanted to take a picture and at that moment we were also very shocked. Today we have one hanging at home and I even gave one to my mother.
– And what meaning does it have for her?
– M.: For her it’s different… It’s a corpse. He prefers to have the photo saved. They are other generations and it impacts them.
– N: My mother the same. It is normal, the usual thing is that nobody wants to remember it or talk about it so as not to hurt you.
– Why is it a taboo subject?
– M.: We are used to people who are older than us dying; a father, by logic, has to die before you. You know what is usual and you prepare yourself since you were born. For a baby who dies when he is about to be born, no. Also, in ordinary grief you have memories to hold on to; with a deceased son no. And if you don’t have the crib or the protocols to have time with that baby, as was our case, we had 15 minutes, you have to create those memories. The crib allows you to keep those memories because instead of having 15 minutes you will have six hours, twelve hours or one day.
– A full day with the baby’s body?
– M.: It is normal for it to crash. In Spain we are affectionate and affectionate, but in those moments we are colder. There are northern cultures that are colder in themselves and have assimilated that you take the baby, take pictures with him, bathe him, dress him or sleep with him one night.
”I know that there are people who see it and say: ‘How creepy!’ but I think it’s not something gloomy, it’s your son “
– N.: There are those who see it and say: ‘How gloomy!’ But he is not gloomy, he is your son. In England this method is implemented in 95% of hospitals and there are families who even take the baby home to spend a week with him: they take him to the park, to the supermarket…
– Going to such extremes here is inconceivable.
-N.: I haven’t seen that either. But it is true that the crib allows you to have a memory and make the duel more bearable. If you think about it, it’s what we do when, for example, a song plays on the radio and it reminds us of our grandmothers, our mothers or the family member we lost.
– What would you ask the doctors of the hospitals that already have the crib?
– M.: That they advise, because at that moment you don’t know if you want to be with the baby for a while or not. That is why it is important that they guide you and tell you that, even if it seems crazy, you do it: that the parents take a picture with the baby, bathe it, hold it in their arms. That will help in a while.
– We have talked about period in the hospital, but what happens when you leave?
M.: Psychological accompaniment by professionals is needed. A follow-up not only of the physical state of the mother after childbirth, but also mental.
– N.: When you go out you don’t complete the duel because after a week you have to be fine. Society gives you a couple of weeks to be bad, but then life comes back to reality. They don’t usually ask you how you are again.– It is difficult to find the balance of when and how much to ask, isn’t it?
– M.: Sure, it won’t be every day, life goes on. But you have to keep in mind that it is a much harder mourning than when a mother or father dies. You have nothing left and it is more unexpected.
-N.: Many times they don’t ask because they don’t know what to say. They don’t know how they are going to react and they are afraid.
-M: When your father or your grandfather dies, people know that they have to say ‘I’m sorry’. Oliver’s Legacy wants to break that taboo and explain that it’s also okay to say ‘sorry’ when you lose a baby. That people do not cross the sidewalk if they see you, that women tell you that they are pregnant without fear.
– It’s surprising the integrity with which you talk about the subject.
-N: Well, it took us a year to start talking about it openly, there were people close to us who didn’t know about it.
-M: The duel is faced in different ways and I went from not wanting to catch Oliver to having a framed photo of him at home. We decided to talk about Oliver because Oliver existed for us and we want to focus our pain on getting something good out of something so bad.
