Contextual therapist Hans Groeneboer has often talked about how everything that lives changes, today we discuss a period when a lot changes in a short time: Puberty! We hear about the importance of puberty, how you can try to manage it, what happens if there is no room to puberty, which can lead to an incomplete puberty.
“Adolescence is very natural,” explains Hans. “Where puberty is not understood or children are on a shaky foundation, things can get out of hand, that specific group needs special guidance. But the majority of adolescents simply show normal behavior that belongs to this phase.
If parents think that children should only be harmonious, you can quickly see behavior as problematic. But if you see that children are allowed to compete and enter into conflict, that is a compliment to the parents! The adolescent says I feel safe with you and there is room for that conflict.”
Development
In his practice, Hans regularly comes into contact with adolescents: “Sometimes an adolescent comes for therapy, and after three sessions I meet the parents and they say that after the start of the therapy he has become even more difficult, the conclusion can be that they should be in therapy. The teenager shows normal behavior but the parents find it difficult to deal with. Parents sometimes have the idea when a child enters puberty, what are we doing wrong? But it is a normal stage in development. You don’t do anything wrong, but you don’t understand what happened to the teenager. That’s why it’s useful for parents to have a little more knowledge about it. Just as babies are allowed to have a crying hour, an adolescent is allowed to go through puberty. Puberty means struggle, conflicts directed at oneself. That’s only temporary. An adolescent grows through that and becomes an adult on its own.”
On the other side of the derailing adolescents, in the eyes of their educators, we find the compliant adolescents. “A compliant adolescent also needs stimulation to puberty. We often hear from parents that this child has hardly reached puberty. Then I think oh oh because often it becomes a delayed puberty. Then encourage your child to form their own opinion and indicate that it is okay if your adolescent does not agree with you.
Every time has its own teenagers. After the Second World War, for example, there was no room to grow up, the country had to be built up. I myself went through puberty in the 60s and 70s. Was an exciting generation. Parents had been stuck in the war and we were not allowed to make a conflict because there had already been enough war and struggle. My brother was a very difficult teenager and therefore I felt little room to grow up. I had to make up for that later.
How does Hans view the times we live in now?
“For some, we now have the time to give teenagers space. Make sure when your teenager goes into puberty, you’re there for them too. Don’t think they are bigger, now I can work more. Parents think they don’t want to listen, just do your own thing. They’re going to fight about it, that takes time. If you’re both busy with your own jobs and careers, that’s a very difficult one. I can imagine that there is little time for the teenager. Being present and involved is very important. Even if they are upstairs and you are downstairs. They know you are there and available, ask how they are, even though they may hardly answer those questions.
Parenting means investing a lot, also during puberty. Adolescent is allowed to puberty, enter into battles and conflicts. You might think a little nice when this is over because it can take a lot of energy. Teenagers now have to think about everything. Now you suddenly have to think about the question are you a boy or a girl. That also asks a lot of parents. I think first learn to be a valuable person. Then the other questions will come later.”
Listen to the entire conversation with Hans via the link below.
