The 12-year-old is in love – with a girl. The son feels like a daughter. More and more adolescents are identifying themselves on the queer spectrum. Is that really the spirit of the times? And how do parents react then?
Anyone who has teenage children today can hardly avoid the topic of LGBTIQ+. There are pride parades, celebrities come out as bisexual or transgender, Netflix series tell homosexual love stories. In many families, other choices in life are discussed quite openly, but uncertainty often remains.
“Children bring these topics home to us,” says sexologist Christiane Kolb in an interview with ntv.de. Together with Verena Carl, she wrote the book “Queere Kinder”, an orientation aid for families of LGBTQIA+ children and young people. Because of the everyday nature of these topics, many believed it was all “casual and cool,” Kolb says. But when their own child comes out, things often become difficult for parents.
Verena Carl has a queer child and can clearly remember her own insecurities. “When dealing with my child, I noticed that it had a lot to do with my own inner images of what he is and what he will be in the future, and my ideas of what life would be like as a mother and daughter. ” Carl speaks of a challenge that was accompanied by “growing pains.”
Identity and orientation
It’s now well over. However, there are still many prejudices that parents of queer children have to deal with. You were raised wrong is one of them. Others say that children just want to make themselves important by coming out or are simply infected by the “zeitgeist”. The book therefore provides information that is initially intended to make orientation easier.
At this point, Kolb emphasizes the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation. Studies show that children definitely know their own gender by their 6th birthday, and often even earlier. So they can say whether they are a boy or a girl, even if their perceived gender identity does not match expectations. Most people’s sexual orientation is clear by the age of 16; then young people are sure whether they are homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual. This self-assessment is often questioned, especially among transident and homosexual children and young people.
If the statements correspond to expectations, i.e. if the gender at birth corresponds to the gender identity and if heterosexual orientation is suggested, this is almost never questioned. For the sexologist Kolb, this is easy to explain: “Because we think we know what it’s like. And because the stereotypes we know about sexual identity are firmly installed boxes in our heads and in our feelings.”
In the book, a Pro Familia employee reports that parents were worried about their homosexual son. Not necessarily because they rejected his gayness, but because they feared he might get AIDS. The stereotype behind this is that homosexual men in particular always have uncommitted and unprotected sex. Lifelong monogamous relationships seem to be reserved for man-woman unions, although divorce statistics show a different reality.
Search for a life worth living
What can be explained psychologically and is probably all too human causes a lot of suffering for queer children. In May, the EU Fundamental Rights Agency published survey results showing that 48 percent of queer children and young people are bullied in schools. Almost half (46 percent) feel unsupported, whether within the class or from teachers. Prejudice, stigmatization or even discrimination and hatred often leave young people deeply hurt. In June 2022, a Canadian study confirmed existing research findings that queer youth are five times more likely to have suicidal thoughts and more than seven times more likely to attempt suicide compared to their heterosexual cisgender peers.
Parental support is all the more important because for many children and young people it is literally a matter of survival. The struggle to find identity that is typical of puberty becomes even more complex due to conflicts with family or school. In the case of transgender adolescents, there may be additional medical considerations or, if a change in name or civil status is desired, there may also be disputes with authorities and courts before the new Self-Determination Act is passed.
In their book, Carl and Kolb not only take the children and young people seriously, but also the parents. It requires a lot of backbone from the parents, and in the case of transident children, perhaps even consent to medical decisions that cannot be reversed or can no longer be completely reversed, not in the first stages, but at some point. “That is of course parents’ great fear, especially when it comes to something that is so incredibly difficult for them to understand,” says Christiane Kolb.
“Listen and let be”
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Queer Children: A Guide for Families of LGBTQIA+ Children and Youth
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The sexologist accompanies families as a systemic consultant and focuses particularly on relationships and interactions with one another. From this perspective, she first advises: “Listen, ask, investigate and let it be”. Even if it was just a phase, giving this phase space is a good support during puberty. If you ask questions with interest, openly and carefully, you will probably get the chance to have a conversation with your child. For example, you could ask how the child identifies himself and wants to be addressed. Maybe there are specific things that you don’t understand or that you can help with. “And then I would first accept it and say: Let’s test it out together as a family,” said Kolb.
It also helps many people to meet like-minded people, emphasizes Carl. In some youth clubs there are parent groups where you can exchange ideas. In this context, the Internet is proving to be a blessing for young people: “People who are statistically rare can network there and suddenly realize: There are a lot of us.”
It is completely okay to be challenged by your growing children and to accompany them with hopes, ideas and wishes. But being a parent is a journey with an unknown route and an unknown destination, the authors write in the foreword to “Queere Kinder”. And the child and adolescent endocrinologist Achim Wüsthoff encourages parents: “By supporting life plans that may initially be perceived as foreign, they make a significant contribution to ensuring that their children can develop happily.”
Today, Verena Carl remembers a very emotional process in which not only many basic assumptions were questioned, but also the image of one’s own tolerance and parenthood. Her non-binary daughter* challenged her, but also impressed her with her courage and self-confidence. She still doesn’t have answers to everything, “much will perhaps always remain a question of worldview, of fundamental openness and willingness to change,” she writes. But it seems essential to her that parents and carers stand behind their children and convey to them: I love you just the way you are.
2023-09-17 11:56:13
#queer #children #challenge #parents
