Caring for aging parents is a challenging and emotional experience. With the right support, it can also be a rewarding experience. How do you keep yourself afloat when the roles are reversed? ‘The ideal approach does not exist. You always fall short somewhere.’
The group of 40 to 60-year-olds who simultaneously care for their growing children and their parents is increasing demographically. The so-called ‘sandwich generation’ sees care tasks shifting from the younger to the older generation. “Children who provide care to their parents often describe that experience as an emotional rollercoaster,” says the sociologist dr. Jorik Vergauwen from University of Antwerp. “Difficult challenges are countered by positive feelings of purpose, fulfillment and appreciation.” Yet the combination of roles these “sandwichers” take on often weighs heavily on personal lives. “Informal carers often feel that, despite all their efforts, they do not live up to everyone’s expectations. People who provide intensive care generally score less well on well-being indicators such as depression and loneliness,” says the researcher.
Today, in our fifties or sixties, we have to maintain ourselves in various demanding roles and responsibilities, agrees doctor of psychology Erna Claes. And that within a framework that differs essentially from the work and care culture of roughly 30 years ago. “As an employee, (grand) parent and adult child, we keep our balls up. One minute we’re still busy in a meeting, the next we’re arranging the care of the grandchildren or answering a phone call from our needy mother. In between, we also have our own lives to lead.”
The moment at which the role of son or daughter changes into that of caregiver is not always clearly perceived, sees Dr. Claes. “It is often not a conscious choice to become an informal caregiver. As a child of a parent in need of care, you often unnoticed take on certain responsibilities that fall outside the ‘normal’ parent-child relationship. This can be psychological support, but also very practical matters such as helping your parent in the shower. Children often take these care tasks for granted, because ‘wouldn’t every son or daughter do something like that?’. However, it is important not to generalize and to ask yourself the question at every stage: can and do I want to include this?”
Caring children often unnoticed take on certain responsibilities that fall outside the ‘normal’ parent-child relationship.
– dr. Erna Claes, psychologist
Informal carers are still insufficiently aware of their changed status, the care expert indicates. Moreover, they are still not sufficiently reflexive that they can also share care within the broad care landscape. “For many carers, it is an emotional step to call on professional services anyway. It means constantly adjusting expectations. They are different for each individual and within each family. It is important to keep listening to each other and to your own needs. Be aware that the ideal approach does not exist. You always fall short somewhere. The message is to make choices within the achievable. Just because you can’t do everything yourself doesn’t mean there isn’t a solution. ”
A boost for informal carers and informal care providers is that their commitment also says something about the relationship between parent and child. “Children who take on care responsibilities usually have close contact and a warm parent-child relationship,” explains Jorik Vergauwen. “The challenges associated with caring for parents also appear to be easier to overcome in that context. The care burden, on the other hand, is experienced as heavier when children take care of a parent out of necessity, for example when other children are unavailable or for financial reasons.”
And although it may seem an irrelevant story in certain care situations, caring for a family member can also be approached as a positive personal process, concludes the sociologist. “Not only is this care accompanied by a sense of purpose and appreciation of family ties, the care provider often also develops new knowledge and skills such as resilience, empathy and teamwork. An experience that can trickle down to other areas of life.”
2023-08-02 00:15:29
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