Every week, etiquette specialist Beatrijs Ritsema answers pressing questions about how things should be done, or not.
Dear Beatrice,
I (female, mid-twenties) have had a friend who suffers from anorexia for about four years. At least I think so, because she’s very thin, I hardly ever see her eat anything and because other people who have known her longer have said this about her. I usually see my girlfriend in the afternoon for a walk or a cup of tea and then we talk about the state of the world or problems with our parents, romantic partners and careers.
I am always very open with her about my own struggles in life. She told me that she regularly sees a psychologist and that she takes medication. But never for what. And I dare not ask.
I’ve felt a dilemma for a while whether I should ask her about her eating problem. On the one hand, I don’t want to ask her out because I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable with me. On the other hand, it also feels disinterested not to mention it because I care about her. Of course I realize that I can’t solve her problem.
name anorexia?
Dear Anorexia Naming,
On the one hand, it’s weird to pretend nothing is wrong and completely ignore your girlfriend’s condition. On the other hand, it is not for you to bring up her apparent eating problem and its genesis as a topic of conversation.
It is good that you realize that you can contribute little or nothing to the solution of her problem. Fortunately, she does see a therapist, which at least makes a difference in the responsibility you may feel for her. Your girlfriend is fairly open with you if she’s told you she’s seeing a therapist and taking medication. Perhaps you can accept that she does not explicitly mention what exactly, because that is obvious, namely for eating problems.
It’s not so bad that the word anorexia is not mentioned, there are other types of eating problems: orthorexia, bulimia, the exact diagnosis of your girlfriend is not very important. You can refer to “eating problems” in general. For example, if she says she has trouble with dinner parties, say something about her “eating problems” in a compassionate response.
That way you don’t dodge what’s going on and that seems to be enough. Don’t ask her about details of her condition and how it came to be, unless your intuition tells you she’s eager to talk about it or she brings it up herself.
