When Annet*’s (39) father started a new relationship after her mother’s death, their bond deteriorated. “His new wife wanted him, but not us. Holidays were suddenly no longer celebrated and when my father was with us, she constantly texted him to come home. Then he often secretly visited us,” she says.
Over the years, the contact between Annet and her stepmother improved and they saw each other monthly. But then her father became seriously ill. “My sister and I wanted to take care of him, but we were left out. My stepmother would not leave us alone with him for a moment. When my father died, we were not allowed to see him. We were also not allowed to help plan the funeral, because she didn’t want a farewell service.”
Annet is not the only one with family problems surrounding the farewell of a loved one, because relationships are becoming increasingly complicated due to the high number of divorces. “There is almost no family left nowadays where nothing plays,” says loss and grief expert Josephine Aerts. “That often starts with the mourning card. Who will appear on it and in what order? If you stick to the standard form, it may seem, for example, that the father’s new girlfriend is the children’s mother. You can then choose to use the names on the map into children, grandchildren and supporters.”
Ex not welcome
Aerts specializes in grief counseling for children and regularly experiences that the ex-partner is not invited to the funeral. “I have a problem with that, because those children need their father or mother at such a time. Actually, this should be included in the parenting plan as standard,” she says. “In such a case I always talk to the family, because there are more options than whether or not to come. For example, you can let the children sit on the first couch and the father or mother on the second couch. Or, if the kids are older, in the back of the room.”
Aerts was recently called by a woman who was not welcome at her ex’s funeral. “She had children of primary school age, but her ex-husband’s new wife did not allow her to come along to support them. We then arranged that she could take a look at the coffin with her children. moment as the funeral, an alternative farewell is organized with flowers, music and photos.”
Act from emotion
Funeral counselor Antoinette Steenbeek organizes complex funerals, for example when people die due to a family drama or a crime. She therefore has a lot to do with relatives who do not want to see each other. “People often act from emotion and that is why I always start a quiet conversation. Usually they change their mind. I am happy about that, because I think everyone is entitled to a good goodbye,” she explains. “If they really don’t want a family member there, I think of an alternative such as a live stream. I’ve also done a funeral in two parts for two groups.”
Annet’s family called the funeral director to ask if he could mediate between them and Annet’s stepmother. “That man did his best for us and eventually arranged that we could say goodbye for an hour before the cremation. That was nice, but I still regret that it was a struggle. I preferred my father after his death visited a few times in peace.”
Final goodbye
Sometimes people have not had contact with a family member for decades, but according to Aerts it is also important to say goodbye. “Even if you have broken contact, you remain connected. It is an open wound that has often been dormant for a long time, but if the other person dies, the contact will definitely end. Then you have to relate to it again.”
Steenbeek also often sees in her work how important it is to be able to close a chapter. “For example, I recently supervised a funeral for a father who had abused his daughter. She had not had contact with him and the rest of the family for years. But now that he had passed away, she could go to him again to give the abuse a place and also looking at the memories that were good. She didn’t go to the service, but she did get a moment to look at the coffin.”
Own farewell
Although, according to Aerts, it can help to see the deceased or the coffin, according to the grief expert, you can also say goodbye if you are not welcome or even hear later that the family member has died. “It is never too late to say goodbye. You can go to the grave and read a letter in which you tell why you were angry, but also what you are grateful for.” Those who do not like writing can also make it more physical. “Throw a stone in the water, release a balloon or plant a tree. You can ask someone to help you with that, but the most important thing is that you choose something that suits you.”
But if possible, according to Aerts and Steenbeek, it is best to say goodbye together as relatives. Even if you’re not in line. Aerts: “If that is the case, I will also mention that during the service. Then I say, for example, that we are not saying goodbye to one, but to three fathers. Because all children have a different experience of the deceased, but they all have held him. Give each other that farewell.”
There is sometimes a fight, but most funerals eventually go without major problems. And, with a bit of luck, the death of a loved one sometimes even makes us realize that we better make something beautiful out of it while we’re still here. Steenbeek: “I often see that relatives still fall into each other’s arms in the coffee room.”
This was not the case for Annette. She has had no contact with her stepmother since the death of her father. However, with the help of legal aid, she enforced that she was allowed to scatter his ashes with her brother and sister. “We did that in a nature reserve full of birds, because he loved that.”
* The name Annet has been changed for privacy reasons.
