Maaike (31) had no problem with it in the past, but since the birth of her son, three quarters of a year ago, she has not been able to cum. Help! Will this ever be okay? Is it something physical? Or is it between the ears?
sexologist Jolien Spoelstra: “You can do both. For example, if you are breastfeeding, physical arousal starts a bit more slowly. It also takes a little longer to get an orgasm and when you do have an orgasm, it feels less intense. A bit like in the menopause: sometimes it feels more like sneezing. The hormones in your body cause your arousal to come to a lower level. While you are breastfeeding, it can be more difficult to come or get aroused than before.”
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Of just focus
And if it’s not physical? Spoelstra: “If you are not breast-feeding, but are bothered by this, it may have to do with relaxation and focusing. If you really want to allow the excitement, you have to feel safe, comfortable and relaxed. That is the basis. If you have been busy all day and have been drooled by your baby, you are generally not relaxed.There are many women who do not feel like having someone else around their body.If that relaxation is not there, it will be difficult anyway. “
“Then there is focus. If you want to cum, you have to ‘turn in’ at the last minute. During lovemaking you are initially busy with each other, but at the last moment you turn inside yourself, you let go , focus on what feels good. Enjoying the moment. That is difficult for mothers, especially with a baby. If you hear them cry or cough, then you are also busy with your child with one ear and then it becomes very difficult focus on making love. That also plays a very important role. You are with your attention on your child, that’s how it should be.”
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“Finally, the right stimulation is important. After childbirth your body changes a lot and you may need a different stimulation than before pregnancy and delivery. Women have had a cut, a stitch, are afraid of pain or thinking that an orgasm will hurt. It also takes getting used to your new body and you and your partner have to relearn how to enjoy it. You can also masturbate, see what feels good and share that with your partner.”
Don’t relax
What do you do when you experience physical discomfort? Spoelstra: “Many women suffer from incontinence, things like that. That also does not help with sex. Then you start squeezing, for example, and you cannot relax. Or you are insecure about your body, your abdomen, breasts, stretch marks. If you have pain or incontinence complaints, pay attention to this and do not continue with it if it is unnecessary.”
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Finally: if you are insecure about your body, take a look at the Instagram-account by Jade Beall. She made the book The Bodies of Mothers – A Beautiful Body Project. It contains beautiful photos of women who have had a child and you can see what maternal bodies should look like and that there is nothing wrong with that. And how it should be, but we don’t see that enough.”
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