We are in the middle of the Christmas holidays and parents must prohibit their children from many activities, due to the health crisis. We talk about it with Daniel Marcelli, author the Me I ! From education to individualism, paru at Albin Michel.
franceinfo: For the psychiatrist of children and adolescents that you are, all these prohibitions, it is a good or a bad thing? ?
Daniel Marcelli: In terms of health, there are necessities. But on the needs of children, to move, to be agitated, on the needs related to social relations, it’s quite boring, and it can be awkward. Not to mention the teenagers, everyone of whom knows that their social life with friends, their emotional life, their school life is important, and all of this is hampered, if not cut off …
You surprised me a little with this answer, because I thought you were going to tell me that it is also a good thing because all these prohibitions go against the child-king, who does what he wants. There, prohibitions are placed …
Indeed, the child there is confronted with limits. But it’s still different. Here, it’s a bit the same kind of prohibitions as wearing seat belts in the car. The children are not too opposed to it, because it is an obligation which comes from above and which does not come from the parents, who must also submit to it. So it doesn’t have the same meaning as when a parent says: “I forbid you to …”, “I want…”, where we are in the proximal relationship with the parent.
You show in your book that individualism, underway in our societies for several decades, is wreaking havoc in the education of children. How has this changed the relationship between parents and their children, and why is it a problem?
We are the first generation whose women, men and finally children are raised from birth as if they were individuals. An individual is someone who is autonomous, who chooses for himself. So, from the first months, when the child begins to crawl, the parents have only one idea: to stimulate his autonomy, and constantly ask him: “What do you want darling?”, in short, put it in front of a choice.
Choosing is not in the chromosomes, it is not in the genes. Choosing is learned gradually. Because choosing means giving up what you haven’t chosen …
Daniel Marcelli, Professor of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
So educating a child is complicated, it is giving him access to the capacity to choose. Parents today are not quite sure where the needs begin and where the wants end. And as soon as a desire is expressed by the child, it must be immediately satisfied.
In the old days, raising a child was about being well brought up. Today, it is that he is well stimulated, that he can develop his potential. Under these conditions, what I call “the relationship to the other” now comes after “the relationship to oneself”.
As a therapist, what problems do you see in children who are educated under the “Me, I” rule?
Pathologies have changed enormously in 50 years. At the time, it was inhibitions, shy, withdrawn children who were afraid of adults. Today, what dominates are the children who “zebra” everywhere, who run in all directions, what is called hyperactivity.
We are facing a problem. Most therapists say: “Iwe must give it a framework “, but providing a framework when you are alone in your office, surrounded by a company or families that do not have one, it is not easy … The situation is particularly delicate at the moment.
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