Is there “suffering hierarchy”? That one person has more right to grief than the other?
Loes van Heijnnigen wonders aloud, at the kitchen table in her town building in the center of the Frisian town of Bolsward. And she can also immediately answer her own question: yes, there is suffering hierarchy. It was also in her head when she was in pain. And as a mourning coach, she talks a lot about it with clients, who now turn to her with the question: help me.
“A lot of people don’t give in to their grief. They don’t really go there.”
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Feeling
Loes also had the feeling that she was not allowed to mourn for a long time after the MH17 disaster in which her sister-in-law Tina, brother-in-law Erik and nephew Zeger died. Because who was she? Her husband, who had a hard time: he had lost his brother. Her son, he had a hard time, he had lost his nephew, his friend.
So, again: who was she?
“But at one point, I think after six months, I collapsed. Then I realized: it is not only their grief. Mine too.”
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The awning was just standing
On the day of the disaster, Loes, her husband and their then 11-year-old son Jason * (not his real name) were in southern France. At the same campsite as always, with the same folding trailer as always. They had just installed it a bit, the folding trailer had been folded out, the awning had already been erased, and the sun had already set.
Loes was called by her mother. They heard ‘cries’, she remembers. ‘Plane’. “Crashed.” “Dutch”. ‘Ukraine’.
“How bad”, Loes had said. But at the same time she had felt everything: we are now on holiday. We’ll read it in the newspaper tomorrow. “Such Dutch news, of which not much is known yet, is a far-from-your-bed show at that time.”
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How do you tell something like that?
Until the news reached Loes again the next morning. This time more concrete, and more intense than she could ever have imagined. Erik was on the plane, Robbert’s brother. He was on his way to Bali with his wife Tina and their son Zeger for a vacation. “The strange thing was: I immediately believed it. And I also immediately thought: how should I tell Robbert this?”
Yes, how do you tell something like that? Just do it, Loes now knows. “I did not turn around. Immediately dealt the blow. But Robbert kept saying:” That is not possible, that is not possible. “
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Ignorance
A lot of anger followed, but also powerlessness, which again came from ignorance. “We didn’t know anything, nobody could confirm anything, we have been calling all authorities from our camping chair for days.”
At one point Loes and her son were in the folding trailer, Robbert stood on the other side of the tent cloth, he screamed. “Mom,” Jason had said to his mother at the time. ‘You go see Daddy. He needs you more than I need at the moment. “
Loes is quiet for a moment. A smile. And goosebumps. “Always, when I think of that moment.”
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Donald Duck among debris
Nothing had been confirmed about the death of Erik, Tina and Zeger, but Loes followed the news closely. “I remember well how I came back with a newspaper from the nearest town, De Telegraaf, with a large photo of the disaster site on the front page. There was a Donald Duck among the debris.” Hey, mom, it’s Van Zeger, ” Jason said then, he and Zeger always used to read the Donald Duck“
They looked alike, the boys. Zeger was six years older, but also an only child, also a light form of asparagus. “They could find each other in many ways.”
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Sadness and tranquility
After a few days, a family detective called to confirm: yes, Erik and his wife and son were on the plane. And no, they no longer live.
What followed was sadness, but at the same time peace. The anger that Robbert felt so strong the first week had also subsided. “We only felt that anger again when we arrived in the Netherlands; people were so angry about what had happened.”
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On the one hand, Robbert and Loes got it, but they agreed with each other: we will not agree.
“For example, it was said of ‘shame’ that suitcases of the victims had been emptied. We tried to see it from a different perspective. The people there lived in poverty, in a war zone. If a suitcase falls into your garden, then they are towels might be of great value to them. “
A tea bag
In the Netherlands the family visited the home of Erik, Tina and Zeger. “As if they would come home and say in astonishment:” What are you doing here !? “
On the counter: a used tea bag. In the dishwasher: one plate. That must have been from Erik, Loes thought, who was a little later, quickly rubbed another sandwich and then went to the airport.
“Weird,” says Loes. And then a few more times: “Weird, weird. Really weird. I’ve often thought of that song, How Bizarre, from OMC, do you know that?”
How bizarre
How bizarre, how bizarre
Ooh, baby, ooh, baby
It’s making me crazy, it’s making me crazy
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Bad grades
Yet Loes was still in charge of her ‘madness’ and sorrow. In the first period, Loes mainly focused on maternal instinct and, what she calls ‘spouses instinct’.
“Jason was quickly over-excited because of his grief and asparagus. Jason went to high school shortly after the disaster. Tina had told me about him and his asparagus:” You will see that he follows the flow of high school, you don’t have to worry. “As mothers among themselves can say so nicely.”
But Jason got bad grades, came home very unhappy, shot the least out of his shoe. “If his laces were loose, he would have turned out.”
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In therapy
Loes and Robbert went to a funeral therapist with their son. For the first session Jason had to take a photo of his deceased nephew. “But Mama,” he had said after the session in the evening. “Uncle Erik, Aunt Tina and Zeger are just on vacation, right?” I was flabbergasted. They had been dead for six months! And my son was still in denial, and nobody saw that. “
The realization came to Jason through conversations with the therapist. Slowly it got better. Loes talked a lot with Robbert. “You often hear that grief drives people apart. But we kept talking, walking, walking for hours, and I often went with him to relatives’ meetings, information evenings, commemorations. He didn’t have to do anything alone.”
The good thing is, thinks Loes: their love only seems to have become stronger after the disaster. “Especially the way Robbert dealt with his grief, not giving in to anger, but staying on the forgiveness side, that makes me proud. Still.”
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Slap in the face
What Loes feels angry about: how her work – she worked in healthcare – dealt with her grief. “I was told in advance:” You can take as much leave as you want. “So I took time off for all MH17-related appointments. For example, if Robbert had to hand over DNA for identification.”
“At one point my manager knocked on my door: I was forty hours in the minus, how I was going to solve that? I have never felt so misunderstood. As if I should not be sad anymore. As if it was enough now used to be.”
“A slap in the face,” she describes it, taking a sip of her ginger tea. And also: the moment that she actually collapsed herself. “Until then, everything worked out for me: I could be there for my child, my husband, and for my clients. I thought: as long as I don’t cry at my clients’ home, I’m fine.”
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Deep sorrow
And then they came. The tears. Yes, they were always there, but suddenly, more than a year after the disaster, they were more. “I went very deep,” says Loes. “And at the same time I was embarrassed in the beginning for that sadness.”
Here comes the term: hierarchy of suffering. “I felt that I was not entitled to that deep pain. That it was not true that I was so sad. Because it was ‘only’ my in-laws, I had no blood connection.”
But, as Loes gradually learned, every sadness can be there. Her was different from Robbert’s, but: just as sincere. For a family that is dead and not supposed to be dead. Because of her husband who misses his brother. Because of her son who misses his uncle, aunt and nephew. “When I had that experience of mourning, I thought: I need something with this.”
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Whimsical emotions
“After the disaster, I joined the work group contact with fellow sufferers. We organized many relatives meetings. I learned a lot about loss and mourning there.”
In the meantime, Loes was proverbial: her contract was not renewed. “I started taking the Mourning & Loss training. It was a relief not only to feel, but also to understand from science what exactly I felt, and why.”
She now works as a mourning coach. “I can separate my own grief over the MH17 from the grief that others have or feel. I never think that other people’s grief is less bad than mine. I have learned that everyone is different. And the one has more resilience than the other. “
Crazy sense
“I would never have done this work if the MH17 hadn’t shot from the sky. I think that is a crazy realization. Mourning is very erratic. There is no rope to tie, so I think I can help other people if mourning coach and experiential expert. For a long time I doubted that I should put my own grief on my site, but I can use it to show people: I know what you are going through. “
And yet the MH17 pain is different than usual. “It is never finished”, says Loes in a soft tone.
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Great circus
The mega trial of the four suspects will start tomorrow. “It seems to be a big circus”, Loes smiles sadly. Thousands of people are expected every day: from professionals to relatives to journalists. A special room has been set up in Nieuwegein, where people can watch a live stream.
“I go with Robbert whenever he wants,” says Loes. “He will at least make use of his right to speak. He does not necessarily have to look the suspects in the eye, but he will have to look at the judges. It is up to them to provide for an appropriate punishment. nobody gets away with this. “
Like a plane
Whether she is upset? “A little.” Loes compares the MH17 mourning as an airplane. “It always flies with you, sometimes very high, at a safe distance, and sometimes very low.”
Tomorrow, Loes expects the plane to fly low. Very low. And it will make a lot of noise.
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:quality(80)/cdn-kiosk-api.telegraaf.nl/394a575e-611f-11ea-9f31-0217670beecd.jpg "Wilp residents make a fun outing of mandatory evacuation Interior")