When Margot met Loïc (fictitious names) five years ago, they had both just gotten out of a long relationship. At the time, both 23-year-olds wanted to take things slow, but they quickly fell in love. It was only after spending the night together a few times that they realized they had a very serious problem: ‘sexsomnia’, also known as sleep sex or sexual sleepwalking.
This means that Loïc touches himself at night or initiates sex, even though he is sleeping. The first time it happened, Margot thought it was just normal sex, even though it felt weird, like “his brain had turned off,” as she describes it. “He says and does things he doesn’t normally do, breathes differently and looks away,” she says of his sexsomnia.
‘Vague memory’
One morning she asked without really knowing where to start. He said he had a vague memory of the sex, but didn’t really remember it. According to Sharon Chung, a researcher at the Sleep Research Unit at the University Health Network in Toronto, this little-known condition affects 8 percent of people with sleep disorders.
Just as a sleepwalker can take a shower without remembering anything the next day, Loïc can engage in sexual behavior – be it masturbation or penetration – while he sleeps. Sexsomnia doesn’t just affect the person struggling with the disorder. They are often much more ‘sexually aggressive’ than when awake, and unfortunately their partners often receive that treatment. “He could never be violent in real life,” Margot said. “But at night he’s a completely different person.” Neurologist and sexologist Aurore Malet-Karas calls the phenomenon ‘reduced inhibition’.
“He is the source, but also suffers from it”
In other words, the person cannot control his sexual impulses. “We haven’t yet been able to determine whether this is linked to unconscious fantasies or not,” she adds. The complicated thing about sexsomnia is that it touches on issues of moral and personal responsibility: Loïc unintentionally imposes a lot on Margot. “It’s very complicated because he’s my boyfriend, not my harasser,” she says. “Sometimes it’s hard not to be bitter when you’ve had a terrible night. He’s the source of the problem, but he’s also suffering from it. He’s not doing it on purpose.”
“Sometimes I really have to hit him”
In the beginning, Margot chose to stay with him. Somewhere at that point, she explains, she felt committed to supporting him. She couldn’t bear to leave the person she loved alone with his condition. But because sexsomnia is still poorly understood by the public and medical authorities, she often feels lonely and isolated. “The topic hasn’t been discussed or researched for very long,” says Malet-Karas. “From a neurobiological standpoint, we don’t have much to fall back on.”
For a while, Margot tried to reassure and support Loïc, but this led to her neglecting herself and the impact of Loïc’s condition on her own life. After all, sleep has a major impact on the quality of life, Malet-Karas explains. When sleep is constantly interrupted, you can develop fatigue and serious health problems – just ask any new parent. “It affects my self-confidence and my libido,” Margot sighs. Margot still has to push Loïc away on a daily basis. “It ranges from a simple, slightly assertive hug, where I just have to push him, to actually hitting him,” she says.
“He said he was a rapist”
“It’s really hard because it feels like gratuitous violence. I’ll hit him and he won’t even remember.” Every morning, before he even says hello, Loïc asks what happened during the night and apologizes. Although Margot does not blame him for his disorder, resentment inevitably surfaces when they argue. “The problem always comes up,” she adds. During the first month of their relationship, Margot fell asleep early and Loïc tried to penetrate her, leaving her injured. She started screaming, which woke him up and made him realize what he was doing. He started sobbing and said he was a rapist, even though he had no memory of what had just happened.
“If these episodes had remained small and easy to resist, he would never have become aware of the problem,” says Margot. It took several months before Loïc finally sought help. “The fact that you’re sleeping, that you’re not experiencing these actions… It took me a long time to realize [wat er aan de hand was],” Loïc explains. “I blamed myself because it took me too long to understand how serious this was.” At first, Loïc thought he could handle this alone – just like a typical man who refuses to see a doctor, recalls Margot herself. “Very patriarchal,” she adds.
Complicated, both legally and ethically
Sexsomnia is also complicated from a legal and ethical perspective. When Loïc has sex with Margot while he is sleeping, he does not ask for consent. Controversially, some defense attorneys in sexual assault cases have even claimed to have sexsomnia as part of a successful defense. But Malet-Karas believes the issue is not black and white when people are aware of their partner’s diagnosis and remain in the relationship of their own free will. “Everything depends on the decision to [de gediagnosticeerde partner] whether or not to support it,” Malet-Karas explains.
A year ago, all these complications led to Margot breaking up with Loïc. “I couldn’t cope anymore, I felt alone with this problem,” she says. A few months later they reunited, under one condition: Loïc had to seek help from a specialist. “I kept putting it off because I knew it would be a long process,” Loïc remembers. “But it’s a journey that needs to be done.” According to Malet-Karas, sexsomnia is rarely cured. “You have to learn to live with it,” she explains. This is where Loïc and Margot are now: They have made the necessary adjustments to make their life as a couple as healthy as possible.
Second bedroom
They have a second bedroom so Margot can sleep alone if she wants; a situation that Loïc finds sad, but “manages to [mijn] to put aside feelings to do what needs to be done.” When they sleep together, they place a body pillow between them. “I can no longer feel comfortable with her skin against mine,” says Loïc. Although While they do their best not to let the condition dominate their relationship, it crops up in their daily lives. Since the diagnosis, their sex life has been almost non-existent – Margot may find daily sex too triggering. “It’s a kind of necessary break, she says. “We’re still a little shocked by all of this, even after five years.”
Loïc hopes they can find a way to return to regular intimacy. “Today sex is full of fear,” he says. “I’d rather do nothing than take the risk of something going wrong. But this disorder deprives us of something fun.” It’s hard to imagine what the future holds for them, but Loïc and Margot are still in love and say they want to greet it shoulder to shoulder. However, on the bad days, Margot sometimes feels like she is heading towards a break-up.
“We will deal with it”
“I hope he will manage to relieve me of some of the weight I carry,” she says. “I’m hopeful because it has already started.” If there is one positive aspect of their ordeal it is that they have learned to communicate extremely well with each other and are now, paradoxically, very comfortable with each other. “It’s strange, we know we want children even though we don’t have sex,” says Loïc. “We’re taking it day by day, but there is hope. We will tackle it.”
(Bron: Vice)
(Intropic: Image byFreepik)
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2023-12-31 08:34:00
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