“’You don’t have depression alone,’ my mother-in-law always said. She should know: her husband, my husband Roel’s father, struggled with a depressive disorder for the last ten years of his life. When things weren’t going well for him, he withheld everything. “Isn’t it driving you crazy?” I once asked my mother-in-law when she called again to say that we should not come. She immediately started crying.
I have often thought in recent years: if only she were still alive. Then I could talk to her about it. She would understand what it is like to see your partner wither away and recognize the feeling that you have to pull the cart alone.”
“Three years ago I saw Roel change in a short time. Before that he had been very busy at work. The project he was working on had become a fiasco. Not his fault, but he took it very seriously. His boss allowed him to take it easy for a while. Instead of taking up his hobbies of cycling or sailing again, he now lounged on the couch. “Leave him alone,” I told our children. But Roel continued to deteriorate until a severe depression was diagnosed.
“We’re going to do it together,” I said encouragingly to Roel, thinking of my mother-in-law’s words. But the only one who took it was me. I arranged everything for him. I made sure he took his pills and showered every day. I ran our household all by myself. At first I was patient. Roel means everything to me and I only wanted one thing: for him to get better. But it became increasingly difficult. I no longer recognized my husband, he had become so passive and cynical.
At one point he started working half days again, but he didn’t want anything else. The atmosphere at home was so ruined that the children fled as much as possible. Our friends also distanced themselves. There were certainly people who sympathized, but I got so tired of it always being about Roel. “I’m still here too,” I wanted to shout. The only outlet was my work, although I could only concentrate there when Roel was also working. Otherwise I wondered what he was doing at home. Laying in bed? Empty the fridge? Making a mess? Or reach for the bottle?”
“One evening we had an argument and he left for the guest room. I didn’t feel like telling my story to a friend again. Then I registered with an online peer group for partners of people with depression.
The first meeting immediately felt like a warm bath. And when I met Michel there, everything changed. We started chatting and recognized a lot in each other’s stories. I dared to be really honest with him for the first time. I kept up appearances with others because I didn’t want to slander Roel or be ashamed of my impatience. Michel understood me, understood everything. Also that I sometimes cursed Roel or sometimes thought: I can’t do it anymore. He really understood me, because he sometimes thought things like that himself. It’s just not easy to live with a depressed person. It is so difficult to stand powerless on the sidelines, to do your best every time and to be thanked.
The daily messages from Michel and I started to mean more and more to me. So much that I fell in love. And Michel too. We expressed this to each other, but we swore that we would never leave our partners. In good times and in bad, right? Roel was ill, he couldn’t do anything about it. So of course I would continue to support him. But fortunately I now had Michel, with whom I could have equal conversations. It felt very intimate, I hadn’t felt that with Roel in so long.
I never felt guilty about what Michel and I had; I knew that the contact was my salvation. Michel gave me energy, sometimes made me so happy. Because of him I kept it up and didn’t completely collapse. Besides, we’ve never seen each other in real life. We only had contact through messages and phone calls. There have been times when I wanted him so much that I wanted to jump into the car. But I have never forgotten where my place was: with Roel. He finally started doing better a few months later. He stopped drinking and got moving again. Literally: he went running and that turned the tide.”
“It was difficult for a long time, but every now and then I saw a glimpse of the man I had married. At that time I still had a lot of contact with Michel. Until it really started to feel like cheating because it took on more and more of a sneaky edge. Previously, Roel would go to bed early every night and I would be alone all evening. Now I had to text from the bathroom and that didn’t feel good.
We distanced ourselves, Michel and I. And although it really caused me some kind of heartbreak, I also felt that I could do it alone again. Sometimes we still text and Michel will always remain a special friend. But luckily my crush is over. I can fully focus on Roel again. He also pays attention to me again. He slowly realizes how lonely I have been and he thinks that is very bad.
I’m glad we got through this difficult period together. And I hope it will never happen again, because depression really has a big impact on your relationship. My mother-in-law was absolutely right with her words at the time.”
This Real Life is from Flair 46-2023. You can read more stories like this every week in Flair.
Lydia van der WeideGetty ImagesNovember 20, 2023, 2:25 PM
Also read
2023-11-20 13:25:18
#Sandra #texted #husband #depressed #fell #love
