Liveblog: Eurovision 2021 Semi-final 1 – GeenStijls’ Unfiltered Thoughts

Spoiler alert: we’re off

So folks. Just sit down and enjoy it. First Eurovision semifinal. Kind of like a Grand Prix street circuit, but for typeface people in dark alleys. Only party in Europe where you can still wave the flag of your own country without being called a Nazi. Last year Ukraine won 🇺🇦 (Brussels had to) and that’s why we are now in Liverpool. With fourteenth (penultimate) turn OUR Dion Graus & Mini Cooper with the song Brandend Daglicht. It all started a bit complicated with chopping and sawing in composition and keys, but now they should really be ready for it. True to tradition (here 2021, here 2022) on the GeenStijls the only Liveblog in which you can really say what you think (in the comments) and we will say what we think (in the updates below). PAYS BAS, DOUZE POINTS! Do F5 regularly!
UPDATE – We have just spent half an hour watching audiovisual growing grass, with Rik van de Westelaken as presenter. Really, watching wallpaper fall off the wall was more interesting than this stale preshow
UPDATE – WE ARE GOING TO START. Cornald Maas sounds ‘tinny’. There are problems with the connection! Well, if only it should have been organized in Bakhmut. We don’t hear Jan Smit. Can he still eat a nice eel croquette
UPDATE – Some dominatrix from Ukraine may open the ball with a warm-up. Hey look a bear from the darkroom with a (not plugged in) guitar
UPDATE – Glowing glowing what a hyperhysterical decor and hysterical colours. It looks like a fucking Paul Klee painting

WE’RE GETTING STARTED – CONTINUE AFTER THE CLICK

UPDATE 01 NORWAY – This looks like some sort of Eyes Wide Shut club gig. One of those Ukrainian clubs, where you have to pay a few hrivna to get behind the curtain. Oh wait, it’s viking. And a Garrixian beat. She does have some tight pants though. SHE CREAMS. Is she scared? What a fierce lady. We are terrified. Get out of our living rooms, human
UPDATE 02 MALTA – Oh Jesus there’s someone again the new Bob Dylan. Hahahaha so Kontnaad Aars tells a story about Dylan and The Beatles and then it’s this hypersonic crack?? Can we get out of this totally haunted house? Do you know that Instagram Museum in Amsterdam North? WONDR or something. That’s it, with even more sadness. “I feel better in a sweater.” Yes, really Bob Dylan. Why did Dylan get that Nobel Prize, and not this size?
UPDATE 03 SERBIA – This gentleman is fencing in the preview. Which reminds us of that eternal Dutch fencer, who always just misses the big tournaments. Bas Hide. Hooo wait he’s lying in a lily and he wakes up. It’s a Thunderdome decor. Those guys in the background are doing back exercises. They must have been to the physio. What a boring track. Get some beer outside
UPDATE 04 LETLAND – Spartacus also lives there. Or was that a different country? The song is called Sudden Lights. There’s a lunatic ramming like a moron on a Korg. The guy with the guitar has a stroke. Can someone call 911? Too bad, because that singer can do something. Bah, that fake bassist is singing along. That’s what those dudes from Lonely the Brave always did when David Jakes was still a singer. Annoying. Look it up
UPDATE – Oh god there’s that presenter again. The Walking Kandinsky Painting. WHAT, SHE CAN RAP. Go girl
UPDATE 05 PORTUGAL – Funny, the singer reminds us of our favorite Portuguese: Arthur van Amerongen. Not that she looks like it. And we also think that Tuur can’t sing at all. And, unlike Tuur, this woman can’t play shuffleboard. Actually, she doesn’t remind us of Tuur at all, but of Dita Von Teese with a cleaning mop on her head. There’s a nice tempo to this song. Bit of a Rowwen Hèze-like buddy. Not sure who that is an insult to. She must cry. Have another glass of medronho ma’am
UPDATE 06 IERLAND – Oops, this is a real fake. It is a gentleman with a beautiful camel toe. Could he possibly have a penis? The suit is really great. Can Mustard have it for Carnival? He now also leaves the singing to his keyboard player. Friend, you have to keep your microphone right in front of your mouth! WE WANT JOHNNY LOGAN!
UPDATE 07 CROATIA – YES this is our favourite. A few goofballs in Pepijn van Houwelingen suit who broke out unintelligible Croatian texts. Waiter two rakije please! They look like Frank Zappa after a gender transition. What a wonderful event. We’re all emotional about this. A Sabaton concert featuring two seals of LSD
UPDATE 08 SWITZERLAND – Actually, this country should not participate in this song war at all, but damn this kid can sing. A little too hard Sam Smith vibe on this song and Sam Smith is not that nice, but to be honest: he is by far the best singer so far. But yes, do you go to a concert of this size when you’re drinking raki in a dark cave with those Croats from just now?
UPDATE 09 ISRAEL – No idea if she can sing but we are for Noa Kirel from Israel. Oh no it’s not, it’s fake. She dances like a champ. If this girl were the wife of a famous game character, it would be the muse of Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat. Raiden jealous again of course
UPDATE 10 MOLDOVA – The DI-RECT shaman was also allowed to participate. Take another sip of ayahuasca, friend
UPDATE 11 SWEDEN – Loreen, whose real name is Lorine Zineb Noka Talhaoui. She is apparently one of the favorites. Little floaty madam though. Land jewel type. Skin color suit, always fine. Do we know this song from the radio? She pushes up a block. Dirty nails. Go back to your 101 dogs, Cruella de Vil
UPDATE AZERBAIJAN 12 – Opening stolen from Dani California from RHCP. Hahaha damn, are these brothers? Looks like Sander and Arnout Brinks from Tangerine. Oh gosh no they’re going to rap. Why do we get such a bukkake of styles thrown in our faces from every song? Zapping music
UPDATE 13 CZECH REPUBLIC – Haha, in the front piece on the Czech Republic the maze of Zhytomyr. Then we can tell you: in Zhytomyr there is (sat) nothing at all. Yes, a prison, for complete idiots, where, for example not nice sir Serhiy Tkach was locked up. AND DIED. Do you know that too! Then the number. Good color scheme, but special that only three of those ladies have a microphone. Is the rest blaring in the air or what? Mwoah. No. Not a topper
UPDATE 14 NETHERLANDS – BURNING DAYLIGHTTTTTTTTT!!! DION GRAUS AND MINI COOPER! Okay this is going pretty well so far. Godnondejuuu that fucking violin with that head voice all the time, why is that necessary? Die Dion seems to us to be a suitable guy to get some nice lagers with. End. According to Jantje Smit it was CLOSELY CLEAN. Not according to GeenStijl. Nevertheless, well done guys. Proud of course
UPDATE 15 FINLAND – The Finnish Hulk breaks out of a box. It really goes full throttle. Quarter in and ram. We find this level Group 8 final musical orchestrated by master Freek. Some construction company with a couple of scousers from Liverpool flicked some more pallets onto that stage. Hahahaha now it rocks back and forth like a trippy Toad from Super Mario. CHA CHA CHA CHA CHA CHA more like tja tja tja tja tja tja
UPDATE END – Grab a glass of beer and discuss in the comments. Soon the result. And now let’s hope they don’t make it to the final because Mosterd will be with Bruce Springsteen in Paris on Saturday
UPDATE – The evening is again full of war rhetoric
UPDATE – Real Madrid – Manchester City 1-1
UPDATE – And like a mountain biker who parks his bike in the mouth of Guy Verhofstadt WE CLOSING THE LINES

THE RESULTS

UPDATE – Here we go. Jantje Smit is afraid
UPDATE – Croatia is through
UPDATE – through Moldova
UPDATE – through Switzerland
UPDATE – Finland door
UPDATE – through the Czech Republic
UPDATE – through Israel
UPDATE – Portugal door
UPDATE – Sweden through
UPDATE – through Serbia
UPDATE – through Norway

WORTHLESS NETHERLANDS KEEP OUT

End of live blog.

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